No Tomorrows

                I haven't blogged in days. I haven't had time or made the time to sit down and actually get it out. After work I have been more depressed more of a WTF attitude if anything gets done. If I don't cry out loud , I cry inside from the end of my work day to the time I go to bed. I have never been so exhausted by doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I have aged 10 years in almost 5 months. I have been trying to get my business back to being somewhat organized. I have let paperwork, computer entries, curriculum, cleaning, storage just be a mess and its only getting worse. Nothing in my life is organized. I am usually and was a super organized person and I have just realized that whatever it is will get done at some point or another.
               I used to be the person who had to get it done yesterday, right then and there, had a list, a deadline for EVERYTHING. You read those little verses about how you should live, love and experience ever day because tomorrow may not come. NOW it is just that. The tomorrows never came for you and won't, but the days that I am left here with I don't feel like things are important.
            As I breakdown in the stream of tears that is nothing new to me. I can only think of all the tomorrows that should be, that should be as our family of 4. The tomorrows with you boys together, being friends, being together being happy, full of (still at your age) mischief, sarcasm and you and your brother having love for people and life in general.....,The tomorrows with your dad and both his boys hanging out, your friend, mentor and someone who can relate to things that only guys can. The tomorrows that I would be living, loving life to my fullest, enjoying every minute of everyday because I have the 3 most important pieces to my story of life.
             It's not anything that is new news to you, but the tomorrows with you will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER , EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  be again............... Yea Yea Yea I read and hear all the time about the tomorrows of getting to a better place, a time of more peace??????????? A time of a new different living, a feeling like I can enjoy life again,  new type of life, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I DON"T FEEL LIKE IT CAN EVER BE THAT. A time that we can celebrate you and your life.  
I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AND I CAN'T EVEN SAY HATE, CAUSE THE FEELING IS WAY MORE THAN THAT. WHATEVER IS WORSE THAT HATE AND WORSE THAN THE WORD THAT IS WORSE IS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT IT.  I will say that 99.9 percent of the time I breathe I am numb. I am glad that I can put on a face other than that of extreme torture.
      
I CAN'T SAY IT, THINK IT OR SCREAM IT LOUD ENOUGH TO WHOEVER WILL LISTEN OR JUST MYSELF, OVER AND OVER THAT LIFE IS NOT SOMETHING WE ARE LIVING, IT IS A SOMETHING MORE EMPTY THAN SPACE WITH NO STARS.
          I want to live with a type of life that you would want me to live, or something that I didn't feel like crawling into a hole and closing it for the rest of my life. Not to be in the horrible existence that is what my life has become. A life what seems like a better purpose, At this time my purpose is YOUR BROTHER AND DAD. They are the 2 of the 3 pieces left of the story of my life. They are the most important parts, the parts that make up my whole being. I don't, can't, and won't give into the thoughts of what is the purpose..... WHY? because I love you and them with everything I have and couldn't let them experience life without another piece of their lives.