A mind so FULL

                     My world is consumed of so many thoughts, feelings of pure emptiness, and STILL QUESTIONS..........................I KNOW QUESTIONS that will NEVER be answered. So why bother to dwell on them??????????? WHY? Because knowing nothing makes me feel more emptiness. would I not have it if I had those questions answered? Hmmmmmmmmm probably not... OK! NO, NO IT WOULDN'T.
I HATE - CAN'T STAND that My youngest baby is without his Partner in crime, the brother who filled his heart with sometimes anger and annoyance lol from antagonizing, teasing, but all done with so much love.. His heart is missing so much fun, laughter and life. His daddy is not only missing his son, but one who is a third of the musketeers, that is a  part of him, had so much in common with, the boy who he mentored, and 1 of my 2 who are his best friends.
                 My heart is just in such excruciating pain, unexplainable.... unexplainable to the people, people who have not experienced this never ending hole of hell. The feeling of ....maybe you could slam your head against a concrete wall nonstop and feel nothing. Our friends, family, acquaintances, people who don't really know us. They support, care and love me/us SO MUCH, but have no clue.... no clue of how this nonstop turmoil is affecting me/ us. Not just our hearts, but our souls, minds, bodies, health My whole existence.
                   I really do understand that our family, friends, supporters don't know what to say. I know, we know. I don't know what to say to you either. Sometimes things are said with good intentions to try to make us feel better, take away some of this pain. Sometimes at those times the feelings inside me are so mixed. In the mind is WHAAAAT did you just say?, NO NOT really... that is not it, you have no idea!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL. More things swirling around like I don't understand how I am feeling. YES I FEEL THE SAME AS ALWAYS EMPTY, SAD, MAD, SO MANY HORRIBEL FEELS AND MOST times I don't know. All these thoughts and more ALONG with.( I'm not really mad at you. Am I coming off like a bitch , Am I making a face like shut the fuck up? I am not meaning to if I am.... I am being selfish, I care about me, my Ky and Pete. I am horrible for sometimes feeling so upset inside like I could just scream ("Gooooooooooooooooood I know you mean well, I know I don't reply to messages sometimes, I know you want to help.. I do.
                      I know you say "Call me if there is anything you need Dawn!!!!....Night or Day, Anytime. Ill come to you if you need. Just let me know, you have to let me know.)  Would you do it? really know what to ask for? Would you know how? I am not being a bitch y any means. We are not askers normally so asking now is no different besides that we have so much support we don't know how to. I TRUELY and HONESTLY love and appreciate all of your love, concern and support, but this new life that has been given to me/us. This is something we didn't ask for or deserve. has not been something I have had before..........or want, Something that is not fair, not fun, not SUPPOSED TO BE, anything but just confusing, black, like in the middle of space with nothing to feel. Instead of the light carefree floating you are weighed down, heavy, a feeling of a semi on your chest.. 

                Me to Everyone:
        I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL , WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, WHAT TO ASK FOR, FEEL BAD THAT I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, WITH ALL THESE I DON'T KNOWSSSSS.  I KNOW I MAY SEEM UNGRATEFUL, DO I, I DON'T KNOW.   I AM NOT! I AM CONFUSED, AND TOTALLAY LOST, LOST WITHOUT A ROPE TO GRAB ONTO. IF I OFFEND I DON'T MEAN TO................
PLEEEEEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL, PLEASE DON'T STOP TALKING TO ME, DON'T STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES. I HEAR AND SEE IT ALL, BUT JUST DON'T KNOW AND NOBODY HAS THE ANSWER, THERE IS NO BOOK! NO TIME SPAN! NO F^&%$#% RULES TO FOLLOW...........................I DON'T KNOW THAT I COULD FOLLOW THEM IF THERE WERE.
ME, PETE AND KY DEFINATELY HAVE EACH OTHER AND THAT WILL STAY STRONG NO MATTER WHAT. WE DO NEED ALL OF YOU, WE KNOW WHY....JUST DON'T REALIZE WHEN OR WHAT FOR. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
PLEASE DON'T STOP TRYING LOVING ME/US JUST BEING IN OUR LIVES. EVEN IF IT IS SILENT.
I know I/we have so much out there. 
THE FOG IS SO THICK AND THE ONLY THING I KNOW AND AM SURE OF IS..... TREVOR IS GOOOOOOOOONE!  I CAN'T STAND THAT I HAVE TO THINK, KNOW AND FEEL THIS, WHATEVER THIS IS. I AM LIVING FOR MY HUSBAND AND SON AND THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE. THEY ARE MY HEART AND SOUL, MY REASONS FOR LIVING.