Thanksgiving ... Wherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre is the happy?????

              Yesterday Thanksgiving was ultimately without the happy in front of it. I look back on yesterday and my heart feels just as empty. We went to our annual 9 pin bowling tap at Beloit lanes as we do every year.  Pete runs a big group and he thought it would be good to have our family and friends around us. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning I was hesitant . There was a pit in my stomach and I dreaded having to see or interact with people and smile knowing my heart was hurting with the most intense sadness. I think the drinks drowned the tears that could of flowed all day, but all the while in my mind you were there, seeing your face, wishing with my everything that I could hug you and tell you how thankful we are to have you. Not just because you are gone, but as I would express to you not just thanksgiving, but everyday of my life.  I made sure to let you know you were my world as your brother and your dad are. All day between the smiles laughs and every breath I took my heart felt the stabbing pains of not having you here.
             In between all the hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs and new memories being made was the biggest void because you weren't here to share it with us. You not here to join in the festivities with family and friends. I held it together most the day, silently wanting to scream, run screaming like you see crazy people do who are out of control. I didn't want to draw attention to myself by crying or shedding tears. I didn't want to make it seem like poor me, I didn't want to make it anything about me, I tried, tried so hard to keep it in, but in the end it was inevitable that my heart was the shattered mess I thought it would be. The thoughts that we there all day just brought me to an emotional mess at the end.

            Throughout the night I cried till I was tired and felt so exhausted. I couldn't stop yawning, then cried some more. I lay in your bed and try so VERY hard to feel happy thinking of you and all the memories, looking at your pictures loving you. It NEVER works, IT NEVER WORKS. I can't even keep myself from crying so hard my chest hurts. I tried so hard to keep my mind busy with online scrapbooking, Facebook etc.- Reading all the messages from some who wrote on your wall and on mine reminded me how much we are and you are loved still. It is a heartwarming feeling but the tears always return by the smallest of love that is shared. 
             I TRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!TO KEEP A POSITIVE MIND THINKING DAWN! YOU/WE ARE THANKFUL FOR SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES, THANKFUL FOR OUR HEALTH AND HEALTH OF LOVED ONES, HAVING EACH OTHER, HOW WE CAN STILL LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN EVER. APPRECIATEING HOW WE CAN HOLD EACH OTHER. HOW I HOPE THOSE AROUND ME TRUELY DO KNOW I DON'T JUST SAY IT, BUT FEEL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY/OUR HEARTS HOW THANKFUL WE REALLY ARE. HOW MUCH WE APPRECITE ALL THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US, HOW MUCH LOVE WE HAE BEEN SHOWN, HOW MUCH PEOPLE STILL DO FOR US. WITH THE HANDS ON, MESSAGES, CARDS, CALLS, WHAT THOUGHTS ARE GIVEN TO US AND SO MANY POEPLE PRAYING FOR OUR FAMILY.  WE ARE SO VERY THANKFUL EVEN THOUGH I FEEL I AM UNABLE TO REALLY RELAY IT ENOUGH.
           Even though I thought those things nothing seemed to be able to take that wretched pain away and in the end nope..... the tears streamed down my face. The heartache unbearable and that feeling of crawling in a hole returns with such a urgency.
           I am THANKFUL for so many things in life really I AM, but life without you, the sadness, the emptiness trumps the happiness I want to feel. IT JUST DOES!!!!!!!
I never imagined in my lifetime I would feel the daily emptiness, the extreme sadness that I do.
MISSING YOU IS THE MOST EXTREME FEELING EVER. I LOVE YOU.......................................................... SO MUCH IT HURTS EVERY INCH OF MY MIND, MY HEART, MY BEING.