Random Thoughts

 

Saying this with a very strained exhausted voice in my head, tears running down my face.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Things I say to you that are not even out loud echo like the grand canyon in my mind.
I CONSTANTLY STILL JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING LIKE A MAD WOMAN.
I FEEL LIKE SMASHING THINGS AS I WALK THRU OUR HOUSE.
While im in your room I get so frustrated I would love to throw something or punch a hole in the wall.
Would I though? No because it might ruin something that belongs to you.
Should it matter you don't need anything anymore?????
I think about all the pictures and scrapbook layouts of you, all your projects, all of the art I kept, all your report cards, baby book, the whole rubber maid container JUST FOR YOU.
It was all saved and documented for you..... For you to reminisce and be able to look back at your life.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT ALL! I WANT YOU TO SHOW PEOPLE! YOUR WIFE< YOUR KIDS! I just want you to be able to choose who to show and to just have just because.
That can't and won't happen now.
Pictures we take as a family......... You are and will be missing. My heart breaks with so many hundreds, thousands, millions of endless things I think of, remember, wonder.
There isn't a second I don't think about what if someone could of saved you.
I CAN'T STAND TO EVEN HAVE A MIND ALOT OF TIMES, LIKE I WISH MY MIND WAS AS EMPTY AS MY HEART.
I should be happy tomorrow is Friday and I have most the day off.
My therapy starts tomorrow......
Worried I won't even like this person?
How is she gonna help me?????
Can't imagine what she is gonna say that will make any kind of difference, cope Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Cope ?????
You can't even try it out, there is no warranty and you can't just exchange easily.
I promised Pete at least 5 visits then we will see...
just the black hole life I live.