So Much Yearning

 April 10th 2:50am early morning family gathered around a wonderful woman who would be your Great Gramma Gen, I stood at the side of her holding her hand whilst she took her last breath.  I stood on the side of the bed as I watched her intently not wanting her to go but for her to be out of pain from the cancers that ate through her body.
                                     WHO WOULD OF THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
                                                                                               81 Days                                            
                                                                                               2 Months and 20 Days
                                                                                               11 weeks and 4 days
                                                                                               1944 hours 
                                                                                               116,640 minutes
                                                                                               6,998,400 seconds
                 TO THE DAY I FOUND OUT YOU WERE DEAD..................................
Losing one of the most loved women in my life was extremely hard. Even though she was ill for a very long time and we slowly watch her waste away. You just are never ready to say that last goodbye.

BUT..........I did get that chance to tell her I loved her and tell her it was ok to go, that I would always love her, that I would never forget how much she helped me with her 2 oldest Great Grandsons! How I would miss her terribly.
                                      TREVOR .....................I GOT THAT CHANCE!!!!!!
I NEVER wanted that chance with you, not that I got it cause I got nothing. All I got was the run around from the police station AFTER CALLING SEVERAL TIMES saying I'm sorry I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE.....cant give you any information over the phone?????????? We would like you to come to the station so we can talk to you........
WHAT?  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  IS MY SON ARRESTED OR WHAT? WAS HE IS A ACCIDENT?  IS HE OK? WHATS WRONG?  CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME HE IS OK??????????????? 

                                      So saying goodbye to others in my life some harder than OTHERS.
BUT YOU TREVOR, LOSING YOU IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER EXPLAIN TO ANYBODY WITH THE TRUE UNIMAGINABLE, MOST ENORMOUS PAIN AND THE FEELING OF BEING BREATHLESS IN A WORLD OF JUST GETTING THRU. 
WHEN? TREV WILL I BE DIFFERENT. I CAN'T LIVE MY NEW LIFE AND ACCEPT IT. I JUST CAN'T. IT'S NOT BETTER, EASIER, LESS PAINLESS, USED TO IT, NEW, DIFFERENT, 
DIFFERENT IS NOT WORKING NOW AND NEW THAT IS A UNACCEPTABLE UNFATHOMABLE WORD. 
I'M JUST TIRED TREV JUST TIRED. 
XXXXXXXXOOOOOOO
Your Mom