The closer it gets

          As vacation has gotten closer we have brought up the suitcases.  Obviously we cannot keep them in our room due to limited space from kennels for our horses.  I hope you don't mind we have taken over some of your room for our preparation.  On a everyday basis I go into your room its a struggle. Going in there to plan to go away for what is supposed to be a vacation with our children is overwhelmingly torturous.  I am grateful we are going with friends very close, great friends ( Richie and Amy  and Troy and Vanessa) I am also grateful that Ky can take a friend, but YOU should be his other half, YOU should be a part of it all.  We should be paying for YOU to go too. Your brother should be able to have laughs with YOU, to hangout with YOU. He should be able to hear all about YOUR escapades around the resort. We should be able to laugh at YOUR antics, YOUR humor, the stories we could tell when we get home of yYOUR special personality traits that make/ made YOU the original you are ( were ).
                  So many memories from our past vacations flood my mind.  So many happy times, but being happy about them in the past knowing there wont be anymore is something I can't bring myself to accept.  I HATE THAT I HAVE NO CHOICE AND HAVE TO LIVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People say I am strong, that I am being positive. I DONT FEEL it I feel like my world has crashed down around me and I am struggling to get that little bit of air thru a straw like opening.  Sucking trying to inhale enough oxygen as to not pass out.  My chest constantly feels like it has a huge boulder with a giant sitting on top of it, bouncing, with my heart just waiting for that one last bounce. My heart literally hurts, my head painful with pressure of so many memories horrendous visions overtaking every nerve in there. I WANT SO MUCH TO BE ABLE TO TRUELY SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY INSIDE. I smile and laugh.... but every minute I want it to be because you are here, because the nightmare is over, because we can see you, your face, your smile, your eyes, hear your laughs, your jokes.
                STRENGTH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS REALLY...... I DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER PARENTS GET ON WITH THE NEW ( as they say ) or DIFFERENT LIVES. I DON'T want a new life Trevor............ Sometimes I feel like I CAN"T live this life or the life I am supposed to be able to live. I am forced to open my eyes every morning, get out of bed to pay the bills.  I do know laying in bed isn't good for me and it does nothing to help me, but doesn't mean my whole being couldn't do it day after day. 
              Like I said Trevor, I know you would want me to have a good time on Vacation, I will dance, laugh, smile, but inside you will be there every second of my days looking into the sunny sky and my nights looking up into the stars.

 

NO MATTER HOW HIGH, WHAT SPACE, WHAT FORM,

YOU ARE....

I HOLD YOUR HEART SO TIGHT IN MINE, YOUR LOVE IN MY SOUL, AND YOUR MEMORIES

WITHIN MY MIND

FOREVER AND FOREVER.

LOVE YOUR MOM

XOXOXOXOX