Thinking and RETHINKING

             Today as I sat on the couch in the front room looking out the window. Your 11x14 senior picture was positioned on the end table a little crooked but I could still see the 1 in a million smile.
I am home alone your Brother working at the police station and Dad at bowling.
          So I sit slouched against the back of the couch with my arm up and my face in my hand. As I gaze out the window I realize my eyes are looking outward but drawn in to look at your face, gaze out the window and start to think of so many things. My mind it's so full of so many things. Its like a flip book with no time frame. Pictures flash of you young, baby, to older, to a baby, to a teenager to football, to your birthday parties, you and your brother, you and your dad, and in between the bad images that I cannot shake out of my mind no matter how hard I try.
          Today my thoughts included going back in time, yes I would love it to be of happier times but it was to your funeral. Even though it all seems so foggy, there are clearer moments. I Never left the spot I was in. I  was told of the enormity of it all but never saw how many people showed their care and concern. I didn't go to the bathroom, I believe I greeted every person, I know I told every child that came thru the line. Even if you fight and sometimes don't deal well with rules etc. PLEASE TO NEVER DO THIS TO THEIR PARENTS along with how miserable they would be, how broken, lost and empty. I didn't eat anything except for a piece of cheese that I remember I didn't even want to eat. that do to I would have to be in hundreds of peoples faces. I didn't know some people but I was told that I greeted everyone personally and hugged each one. I  just think of myself, looking from the outside in at me. So out of it drugged, drugged with one of the types of pills that killed you. I didn't know at the time or I wouldn't of even taken it. Im sorry Trev I was so out of it. I can barely deal well now, much less 9 days after the day we found out you were dead. I just needed something to keep me from falling into the arms of every single person who told me they were sorry.
       I go back to that night walking in and seeing you dressed and looking so handsome. JESUS COME ON REALLY DAWN HANDSOME????? You were though Yes Dead ugly and still so beautiful to me. I think about how I didn't want to even have your grandparents go to you, how I didn't want to share you, I didn't want anyone touching you, talking to you, standing by you, I just didn't want that night to be real, but if it had to be then I didn't want anyone else taking my last night with you away from me. Should I have stood by your side, right next to you, letting your dad greet people and me just to worry about you and only you? Why though right I mean what was going to happen to you? Its not like you were going to get hurt, or people would pick on you or I DONT EVEN KNOW what I AM thinking right now. Babble can you say Babble.
         I ask myself a lot should I have gotten up and said something to the rooms full of people, should Even though people did get up SHOULD I HAVE told them how amazing you were, how much I LOVED YOU, HOW MY WORLD IS SO SHATTERED, BUT THAT I APPRECIATE ALL OF THEIR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, SHOULDERS, GIFTS, HUGS, EARS, CARDS, MONETARY DONATIONS, SO MUCH THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THIS NIGHT???????
I KNOW people know my thoughts but sometimes I feel like I should of made an effort to make my way to the mic and say something. Looking back I really don't know if I could of made it up there without falling, screaming PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
making a total spectacle out of myself embarrassing your dad and brother.
I am so lost Trevor my emotions so desperate that maybe even right now I would take that night back just to have you with me, to touch your face, even if a shell, I would accept that shell to feel my baby's skin, just to be able to TALK TO YOU in your ear, yes you wouldn't hear me but I could whisper in your ear, brush your hair off your forehead with my fingers, so I could kiss your forehead nonstop telling you HOW MUCH I FING LOVE YOU. I HAVE NOTHING TREVOR NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTHING! I have your ashes, well the urn's shell is cold and hard and even though you were too I had you still on this earth. I THINK ALL THE TIME HOW YOUR DAD HAD TO LEAD ME AWAY OUT OF IT, EXAUSTED AND SOBBING OUT OF THE ROOM. I WOULD OF STAYED TREVOR............. I WOULD OF STAYED TILL THE LAST MINUTE WITH YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A BROKEN RECORD BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU BACK............... O HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE 1 WISH JUST 1.