The start of a New Year ???? My life is Angelas words

by Angela Miller

. . .
A new year
used to be
hope for a chance
to make all that was wrong,
right.

But what is
a new year
when none of the wrongness
of losing you
can be made right?
. . .
What is new about a year
when the one thing
I wish to change,
the one thing
I’d give my life
to change,
cannot be changed,
or undone,
no matter how
many New Year’s resolutions
are thrown its way?
. . .
I cannot say
‘Happy New Year’
anymore.
It is simply one more
painful reminder
that I could do without,
one more slap in the face,
that it’s been another
three hundred and sixty five days
of “living” without you.

Another year
of trying to survive
the endless minutes, hours, days,
months,  years,  without you.

Another year
of battling the heartless
clichés thrown my way.

Another year
of listening
to people’s bullshit
about “time healing all wounds,”
and “God needing another angel
so he picked you”–
. . .
Another year
of people ignoring
your very existence
on this earth,

Another year
of learning how to be
the best parent,
the best mother,
to you,
my oldest son
who never grows older.
. . .
Yes, a new year is
another blank book
of pioneering–
of still mothering you,
my dead child,
the best way I know how.
. . .

Meloncholy

Being home alone silence on the outside and loud babbling thoughts on the inside

 

Tis the season to be happy, joyous, and celebrate , be grateful for things in your life and love those around you. Smile at the millions of great memories and look forward to the millions more to be made.

It is not a pity party I ask for and I don't share to bring attention to myself or the nightmare our family lives. A part of me does share to bring attention to the pain and devastation it brings to those left behind. I just vent sometimes and I guess I feel if people read instead of a silent diary it somehow is healthier. Maybe someone is as lost as me and feels this this vast desolate being lost on the moon feeling and I just want it validated. Maybe it is the support even though it doesn't change me right now and who knows if it will it is appreciated. I don't know maybe there really is no reason I just do it and feel that maybe a individual dealing will see it, maybe a family member will pass it along to one of their friends and MAYBE , JUST MAYBE it will reach someone and save someone another parent because their loved one has realized oh god that is a horrible existence. Or I those who know me will read and just be there for me no matter what and for those who don't really care well....... they wont take the time to read my sometimes lengthy depressing desperate novels.

 

I am not able to describe or make you fully understand the pure devastation and agony I endure on a daily basis. Only those who have lost a child can grasp it. A parent understands their void and the void another must be feeling yet each individual loss is different and none like the other. As everyone's relationship has its own dynamics. Each loss is different its own way and for each experience and circumstance has its own repercussions in ones mind and soul, so in actuality you really don't know what they are going thru or feeling, you don't understand how some are or seem better than you or deal with it in a better way than you. In the back of your mind you know they are hurting but to the extent well that is a mystery to everyone but them.

 

There is a indescribable guilt that you have because in your mind your husband cant mourn the way you think he should because you are a complete disaster and although you are there to support him in every way you possibly can, he is there making sure you remain as sane as you can in the midst of what you wish was unrealistic life. He is like the strongest piece of concrete on earth. I am so lucky for this so far could have torn us apart, we could resent one another for one thing or another that we said to Trevor or something we think should of been dealt in a different way. I could be alone and yet we are together loving each other, holding on to one with the strength to not let the other fall into a no return mode.

 

You are sincerely and truly grateful for those you still have in your life. You not only love your other children as much as you did, but it is a different love them more... than you ever could ever imagine (more) being. You realize that you thought you made every second count, but in reality you can make it all count so much more. You study their mannerisms, the subtle facial expressions, the way their hair lays, watch them sleep, the way they say things you want to learn all there is to know. You don't want to not know something, You are TERRIFIED that it could be taken from you in a instant and you will be left with so many more voids than just not having them to fill that spot that belongs to them and them only. You are so very proud of their accomplishments, the future that will bring them fullness, the ultimate happiness and success. You want to give them every ounce of yourself. give THEM, the living breathing soul everything since they deserve it all and their is only them to be able to give it to. You feel guilty because although they are here you are unable to let that other half free to concentrate your whole self on the person who is still aware, able to feel and be loved. There is always a question of do they really know how much you love them, because you are so utterly lost, and consumed with what should be and can never be again.

 

You want so very badly to be who you once were and yearn to have that fullness and feeling of being whole. you also mourn the person you were.

When ( the those around you) is minus one utterly important piece of you, the one who should be laughing, joking, enjoying his auntie Becky's Oreo bark and wearing his Santa hat. you are beyond overcome by all emotions, Melancholy I believe its the word. The missing piece, they are a part of your everyday life, the thoughts good, bad and horrid, the questions and wishes , the what ifs and should ofs, the guilt YOU TRY TO TELL YOURSELF NOT TO HAVE and the (words) of I KNOW ITS NOT MY FAULT are said over and over, but your heart tells you something totally opposite. The guilt everyone tells you not to have NEVER goes away. It is burrowed deep and eats at what feels like the already shriveling part of your heart. It brings the feeling of lightheadedness and suffocation. gasping on the inside, That fading into blackness and the feeling of being on the brink of passing out. You want that to be so and when you come to you have your old life back.

 

Unfortunately the old life is not able to return, it is never going to be the same. and all you can hope for is whatever that something is other than the misery you feel. What it is exactly, what could it feel like and will it ever come.

 

MISSING PIECE

I️ remember these days so clearly, how you and the boys were still so silly , happy and oblivious to the reality of the big bad world. Not yet ready to jump out of the nest, what I thought was the safe haven of your moms wings protecting you from all that I possibly could. Filling your  mind, trying relentlessly to teach YOU things to keep you out of harms way. Tried to give you all the knowledge  I could to keep you away from the dangers of the world . Trying I TRIED TREVOR!!!!! to keep you safe, hoping you would just think before acting and just to be scared enough to do things that would take you away from me. I've watched all your guys grow into men. YOU SHOULD ALSO BE TREVOR, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DEAD. I SHOULD HAVE TO HAVE THIS UNDESCRIBABLE PAIN THIS OVER POWERING PAIN. You are the one that is supposed to be included in the common things they r all still sharing.

 

 I️ can’t even express how pictures and memories cause such a rollercoaster of emotions. Remembering... shreds my heart and makes my days and a lot of simple things confusing,makes my mind foggy and let’s not forget about the sobbing, screaming out loud , muffled and silent. I️ wish the smile from those pictures and millions of memories would stay and erase the nightmare I’m NOT suppose to ever see, experience or feel. I️ wish there was a book, some sort of directions, words of comfort. WHY CAN'T THERE BE SOMETHING?????  I know most don’t understand, but wish I didn’t feel so fake or like I am lying when ask the kind and caring question of “How R u, Pete, Kyle ?” I have become pretty good at sugar coating my outer self, because there’s no reason to bring others down with me. I️ WISH so badly that there was a thing called the END, But it’s really just a flood. I’m trying with ALL my might to stay above the waves, grasping at the liquid that is supposed to let you float, but it doesn’t pull you up, but let’s the gravity continue to drag you further and further down. I️ can’t find the log  strong enough to hold me long enough to catch that breath or sigh of a calm/pause. In my smiles and laughter I just feel the that sinking feeling, the panic, the fear and the ultimate feeling of despair. I am just simply drowning Trevor, drowning a little bit more everyday. I want to tell you that I love you, that I don't approve of your choices, that I am angry that you didn't share with me YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TRY AND HELP YOU TREVOR. I MISS YOU TERRIBLY TREVOR.

FaceBook Post Oct 7th 2017

I Remember this night 5 years so clearly. LAST game LAST walk across the field to Kenny chesneys boys of fall. (which Ky played at Trev's funeral ) for what for would be the LAST TIME HIS GUYS WOULD BE TOGETHER. I think every players heart was moved when Pete laid TREVS #26 jersey that his teammates signed on top of his still chest. The last night of football there was not a dry eye. The day Trev was found dead our home was FILLED with so many tears. Even Trev's bedroom filled with his friends reminiscing. Some with beers that they felt were maybe a comfort. A tower of cans on his desk, stories told, memories shared. Tears of love. Looking at this picture knowing the closeness these two shared the bond even from hundreds of miles away from each other Every time I see this Or think of it I cried before. Now The lump in my throat makes me breathless the tears that fall with the pit in my stomach deep. Sitting here in your room the house empty, pain is all so very real. close the windows and scream into your pillow With the vision of me shaking your lifeless body with all the strength I have SCREAMING WAKE UP......PLEEEEASE!!!!! ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.......HARD TO CATCH A BREATH I SCREAM ANYTHING THAT FILLS MY HEAD, MY HEART, MY LIFE. I HATE THIS PART OF ME, MY LIFE , MY EXISTENCE. I HATE THAT IYOUR BROTHER DOESNT HAVE HIS OTHER HALF, THAT YOUR DAD IS MISSING SUCH A HUGE CHUNK OF HIS BEING AND THAT I AM LEFT WITHOUT YOU!

(EVEN FOR ALL REASONS NOT SO RIGHT, IT IS SO FITTING THAT THIS COMES THE DAY AFTER YOUR BEST FRIENDS BIRTHDAY)

 

So Many Wonders

It has been 816 days. That number doesn't seem real big does it. It isn't in the whole scheme of things I guess.  I guess I really don't know what that number means. the amount is bigger but in the same thought why does it literally feel like yesterday that I never received an answer from you.
That text I no longer have because I had to get a new phone this year.
Should I really want that to remind me that you never answered me
That I now know you were breathless, lifeless and gone already from me.
I still question WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I was not called as soon as possible to be informed
You were found early morning and it took me to inquire with no straight answers to the police station and got nothing till almost 4pm
 Why is this grief so UTTERLY RELENTLESS.
 I am consumed with just plain missing you. The unfairness that I don't have you here is so VERY DEVASTATING.
Every time I walk down the hall I feel like throwing up.
I want to drop to my knees and scream so loud our windows blow out
I look into your room and even though reality says different I want you would be there to say sup Mom.
I would give ANYTHING to have you laying in your bed or playing video games, doing homework SOMETHING, JUST ANYTHING TREV
I hate that the wonders are so stuck in my mind, they just don't go away Trevor.
Its like my mind is hollow and it echo's so loud that stuff on the outside are drowned out.
My caring is sometimes nonexistent
I want to know where I went wrong
What didn't I say or did say to you
What is it that your dad might of said
Did we pressure you too much
Did you feel like we nagged you too much
I thought I was doing a good job loving you
Do you know no you don't know how much this makes me question so many things about myself of being a mom
I have this pressure that fills my head makes me feel like I've been banging my head against a wall for hours.
Even on medication I feel so not right
I almost hate going places and doing things, I feel like I am the Debbie downer.
It is indescribable how and what I feel , think.
I can say it but I cannot make anyone understand this horrible existence I feel I am in.
I still feel like people look at me differently,  I am not who I once was and never will be again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know everyone says I need to, not just sit around and your dad is the biggest one to tell me.
I just want to lose my mind sometimes and tell everyone to just go to hell.
Knowing its wrong keeps me from doing it and holding yet another thing in.
I know its not right its not nice and it is bitchy and the emotions are just uncontrollable so often
I don't know how other moms deal with this.
Am I so weak that I cannot evolve whatever that means
Am I so weak that I am not like other moms
Is it because I am not religious
I hate who I am now, how my mind feels, how my heart hurts all the time, how empty I feel even though there is so much to be grateful for.
I am grateful for all those who put up with me who, who stand by me when I just want to be left alone.
Why did you feel the need to continue this knowing all the risks
What made you start taking pills
Was it when you broke your back in football
The pain pills and muscle relaxers
Why did you take my pain pills and I never noticed, to have me find them in your room after that fact.
The number in the wallet in your room who does it belong to
should I call it? Do I want to?
I read your death certificate more than I should and still cannot comprehend all this
I know it wont make anything better.
WHY CANT THERE BE SOMETHING TO HELP ME TREVOR?
I feel suffocated by my own thoughts and feelings
feeling like I it has been long enough where I cant break down out of control like I feel like constantly inside, like my inside is really doing but on the outside there is a force field showing an illusion.
So many of the repeats
What if anything were you feeling, thinking as you laid there with nobody to help you
Who sold it or gave it to you
I can't even go on because my head feels like its going to blow up
MY GOD TREVOR THIS COMPLETELY SUCKS MORE THAN ANYTHING.
THATS NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
I JUST HAVE NO MORE ENERGY WORDS RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM BABBLING.
MAYBE THIS IS WHY I DONT WRITE AS MUCH HERE IS BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH OF THE SAME THING.
REDUNDANT IS WHAT I FEEL WITH LIFE IN GENERAL.
WHATEVER I GUESS I JSUT KNOW I LOVE YOU I WISH I COULD KNOW YOU ARE HEARING ME, THAT SOMEONE COULD TELL ME SOMETHING GIVE ME A TRUE MESSAGE FROM YOU.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU TREV
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The definition of grief to me

What this Grief has done :

It has collapsed me

It has taken my being to a out of body experience

It has taken my breath away

It has shattered my heart

It makes my world hazy

It has made my mind numb

It has brings fear to me

It isolates me

It has taken the feeling of the confidence I once had

It gives me nightmares

It brings endless sleepless nights

It has mixed up my days

It has made me stay in my pajamas for days

It has made me not want to leave the house

It makes me physically sick

It has me hug and lay talking to a cold metal container

It makes me lay in your bed and cry myself to sleep

It confuses me

It has made me question life

It has brought less patience

It brings uncontrollable crying

It makes my eyes so puffy It hurts to open them

It makes me miss enjoying outings

It has made me throw up

It brings horrible visions

It brings screaming out of control outbursts

It has made me selfish in ways

It has taken me to sit by a name plate in your memory

It takes me to the parkway locked in my car screaming my brains out

It makes me say things I regret

It feel darkness I never knew existed

It has made me want to choke and torture every drug dealer

It gives me a sickening sence of proud seeing hundreds of people come to your funeral

It furiates me to know kids brought drugs to your funeral

That some sick bastard took pictures of my dead baby laying in his casket

It stills makes me angry and sorry at your

It makes me ugly cry in front of people

It makes feel fake

It has made me want to slap someone

It has made me feel mean

It makes me question how close we really were vs how close I thought we were

It makes me feel guilt

It makes people feel sorry for us

It makes them not know what to say and I know they mean well

There is nothing they can to make it better

It has made me literally feel hollow

It makes me feel I need to pretend I'm ok

It has given me crippling anxiety

It gives my heart enormous gravity to look at pictures of you

It has made me fake smile

It has terrified me when Ky leaves the house

It gives me such a aching heart to watch your brother cry and live forever without you

To see your father cry

It makes me feel a void like I never thought I could feel

It makes me feel like a horrible friend

It brings an uncomfortableness to conversation

It has made my personality different

It makes me furious that I couldn't hug u one last time, that the simple last kiss wasn't enough

It has taken a piece of me

It makes me want to strangle the GREENFIELD parents who feed our children drugs

It has made me not want to live

It gives me the feeling of pure agony of missing someone so completely

It changes my mood in a split second

It makes me think the last 10.00 I gave you bought the drugs that killed you

It makes me wonder why you tried it

It makes me wonder what you were thinking

It makes me question who we're your real friends

It makes me question who knew and hides it lying to me

It kills me to know you died with someone there

And he didn't get any repercussions of admitting he gave it to you

I am paralyzed wondering if you were in pain as you died

If you wanted your mommy

It makes me want to be able to touch even your cold,  still face just to have you with me

It makes me question if you thought I loved you so unconditionally I would have given my life to save yogi much more it is endless of thing feelings others don't realize there r

It makes me at times feel like a bad wife

It makes me wonder if Kyle truly knows how much I love him

It has made me second guess the mother I was 

It makes me question the mother I should be

It makes me question the mother IAM

TREVOR YOU BEING GONE IS DEVASTATING 

AND SUFFOCATES MY ENTIRE BEING

The definition of grief to me

2 years of THE LAST TIME

                  I have the Memories, the thousands of pictures and and stories, but they are just never enough Trevor. They don't undue, unfix, take away the damage to my heart, The endless nightmares,  the emptiness or the pain with every breath I can take.

Today 2 Years ago over 1100 or so Friends, Family from near and so far and our community came to say goodbye to you. 

                  I NEVER thought I would see the day I would have to stand in pure agony next to your body drained of every ounce of life it once had. I didn't want to share those last hours, minutes, seconds with anyone, but you touched so many people that they deserved to visit you one last time even if it were in your silence. I would of sat on that floor rocking and holding you as tight as I could Never wanting to let anything or anyone pry you away from me forever. I couldn't eat, drink without feeling like I would throw up my entire insides.

                  I NEVER left your side and for over 3 hrs of winding lines or the overcrowded nesx room I never saw. I greeted every person personally to let them know how much I appreciated their support for our family and having their presence, Warning and pleading with every young person never to do this to their parents. I TRIED to share the already enless grief that it causes. Over an hour of Heartfelt speeches from those who choose to share their stories of the life with you in it.

                  Except for every line in your face, every eyelash or piece of hair, the still stubble of your beard It is all still so very blurry as I unknowingly at the time was taking one of the very things that contributed to you laying there right by my side. It was a image that will forever be engraved in my mind as your dad had to make me leave holding me up from full collapse, looking back at you with no more energy left in me knowing that would be the very last time I could see your face. That would be the LAST time you were tangible to me. It would be the LAST time I COULD CUP YOUR FACE, KISS YOUR FOREHEAD, CHEEKS, STROKE YOUR HAIR, BRUSH YOUR HAIR BACK & WHISPER IN YOUR EAR HOW MUCH I WILL MISS AND FOREVER LOVE YOU.

 

JUST A CHANCE

                    Tourney planning and organizing phase is now in session, I have been off for my hand and it seems like that time I have been obsessing about how perfect this has to be for you. This day we need to count on so many to make it possible, it has to be great, go smooth and MOST IMPORTANTLY I want YOU to be in the FOREFRONT of EVERYONE'S MIND. I HATE that we have to remember instead of have you here. I really wish you could be the here and now. 
                    You know your buddy is in a serious world of hurt and he is fighting Trevor FIGHTING so very hard. We are unaware of the damage done, but the most important thing is that he is alive and he has so many pulling for him. He has what has been said a terribly long road, a slow road ahead of him, but those of us who know each other will be there for his family as everyone has been for us. 
                  My heart aches for them, the unknown is such a horrible place to be, they must take 1 day at a time, and take what they are given cause they don't have a choice, their lives revolve second by second and all they can do is wait, hope, pray, hope and love , love him and fight for and with him to try to make his life as good as it can be for him to be as healthy as he can be and let him have a future.
                The second by second I experience, but unfortunately Trevorrrrrrr you did not allow me to Fight for you, you didn't allow me to be there for you and with you, You didn't allow me to even try, You gave me the seconds by seconds of life the emptiness and void, I would of  FOUGHT for you  daily, FOUGHT SO VERY HARD to help you do what you needed, helped you to try and overcome whatever addiction you had, I would have stayed by your side night and day, given my ALL EVERY OUNCE OF LIFE I HAD MY LAST BREATH TO SAVE YOU TREVOR.

EXPECTATIONS SHATTERED

  Robynne Matusak was the woman you came thru to when she was reading Amy at her work right after you died.  She told Amy things she wouldn't of known and even things we didn't even know at the time.  It was incredible the details she was able to give and then we had her come to the house and she didn't disappoint. She paced back and forth with her eyes closed and then open and concentrating. She gave us so many things in the hour she was here that there is no way we could question if it was you who she saw giving her images of things that would make us know it was you who knew we wanted to hear from you, to know you know we miss you and how we are grieving. She gave and gave and didn't really ask questions and still gave concrete connections.
     I have been wanting to see her since around your birthday but she for some reason has not been doing reading, maybe her life is busy or she needs to concentrate on other things and isn't able then to give fully to her clients???? Anyway so there was an opportunity to see someone else and it was not expensive so I thought I would try to reach you again maybe thru someone else.

So On April 27th 2017 I went to this woman's house for a reading
Wellllllllllllllllllllll I hate to say it was a waste of time, but it WAS a total waste of time and money even though it wasn't much. During she asked and asked and fished and fished and gave info that was not fitting that was totally wrong and she would try to cover Reach and Reach with something else when I would say No, it wasn't true, it wasn't it, no he didn't,
I really don't know what I'm looking for Trev I don't know what I think I will get out of connecting again with you, more info, more answers, I don't think those will ever come but I guess I just want what the movies share. Like a Ghost movie of sorts. I want to know you are hearing me, seeing me, with me truly with me, listening, knowing things, seeing things.  I will take the smallest anything I can get Trevor. I just want you and anything I can have. I don't even know if it will make me feel better, but I am just grasping at whatever I can get to connect with you somehow now, still.
I felt so emotionally drained after that reading and my heart still yearning with a vast emptiness, still with no answers and not one iota of connection. Maybe having such a genuine reading with concrete connections from Robynne I was expecting too much, but I just feel like she had no connection and the things she did say were words that were from fishing constantly.
JUST SAD TREVOR, SAD ABOUT IT ALL, EVERYTHING IS SO PLAIN PAINFULL

.

The MOm I should be and Racing thoughts

As my eyes are opening in the fogginess of waking no matter what time waking up for the day , being woke up or with yet another dream or nightmare. I think to myself it was juuuust a dream.....As the fogginess wears off I literally can feel reality slap me with full force in the face. My eyes well up.... I think to my self today has to be better right?, PLEASE let it be easier, less a feeling of my heart shattering feeling that pain of every single sharp edge exploding inside me taking my breath to a stand still. I breathe in an it is glued there until I let out the first silent whimper and flush of air that escapes trying not to scream outloud yet again this CANNOT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! OH GOD YOU ARE GONE TREVORRRRRRRRR. I fully am in reality now reminding me that another day without you here, realizing yes I am without your smiling face, without your voice, the laughs you will give today,  and that 1st hug of the day whether it be 8am or 1pm.
      So yes work days I get out of bed and push through another day, Why Trev cause I have no choice......Bills need to be paid, people count on me. Even going thru the motions you are right there in the forefront of my mind. I want you there Trev and you will never be out of my mind. I just want to be able to be able to see, hear and deal with the day with a lighter pain, I want to give your brother the mom he deserves. I don't want to be preoccupied by this pain. He deserves more and I should be able to focus fully on the here and now and be about him. I am so proud and so happy and love him so very much I just think to myself he has to feel left out if you will, like GEZ Mom I'm still here ya know. I don't love him any less because of this in fact I couldn't I love him more and more everyday for who is is, who he is becoming, what he has accomplished and continues to accomplish and his true perseverance in life. It is just so hard to explain almost impossible Trevor to explain the guilt I have because you have taken me apart and the whole Old me is gone. I just feel like I am not the mom he deserves. I cant help to have that bit of anger that you have taken me and broken me apart and the pieces are giving the image of a person, but it not together, its not me and I cant seem to find myself, I want me back TREVORRRRRRRRRRR I know you didn't do this on purpose but YOU DID IT YOU LEFT ME HIS WAY. 

If I am woke early I lay suspended in thoughts or after a dream about you, something to do with you or with you. I immediately get up and write it in the beautiful journal that Audrey gave to me. I then go back to bed and there I lay. I try so hard to go back to sleep and maybe some days I do because I am so exhausted but its after some time, most times I cant go back to sleep whether it be a half hour after going to bed, midnight, 2- 3am ( which is when I usually wake up or dad wakes me because I am sobbing uncontrollably) It could be a dream where I see you and am so happy but inside my mind even in the dream I know you are dead, or with you talking to me real in the flesh but in the end it is only to know its not real for as much as it seemed to be.

SO I LAY EYSES OPEN OR CLOSED and it starts

THE RACING

the first time you got a forensics award, doing your Santa Claus forensics speech, your spiked blonde hair with flowers for your teacher, parents night for football, you and your brother sitting in your playroom at the ages of 1-2 years of age, getting your first set of tubes,people speaking at your funeral, learning to ride your bike by yourself for the first time, your geography bee saying a gondola was from Poland when your best friend was Italian, visions of my baby as people walked by paying their last respects, getting your tonsils out, wondering where you were the day we couldn't find you and you wouldn't answer your phone, sitting with our first dog on the kitchen floor and in the kennel, walking around with your butt crack hanging out after your first birthday party, going thru the millions of pics for your funeral boards, sitting next to a huge Paddington bear in your crib, 8th grade football practice at Greendale high school, using a axe to cut branches that fell in the front yard, learning to use the rider to cut the grass for the first time, your track meets, winning a coloring contest at the library when you were in kindergarten, going to make arrangements at the funeral home and seeing you for the first time laying motionless with Auntie Becky, Uncle Kevin, Your Brother and Dad, and Amanda, hurting your ankle in St Francis game in jr hawks, you first homecoming, you singing at a honor society awards, being inducted into the national honor society with Chesca, Visiting you everyday at the funeral home till your funeral, the speech you gave about coach Palama in 6th or 7th grade banquet for jr hawks, swim lessons when you were about 6years old, having a crush on Maria Lucio, hanging out a the fennigs with your friends and the guys with capes like super hero's, all the kids who filled our home and your bedroom the day we found out you were dead, going to cool waters with T-bone, Randi, Kyle h, Amanda f, taking you snowboarding, having to tell the lady at the funeral home to fix your make up it didn't look right, REALLY ???? I shouldn't be doing this, your dad posing with you as you were a month old, going to see your first concert, you in the incubator on al lighted blanket with you foam sunglasses on, How I can feel my heart hurt with the beats it takes, getting a hematoma in a high school game at Browndeer and not wanting to come out, you and your brother at Disney world, sitting with me in bed after you and your brother made me breakfast in bed for mothers day, breaking your finger at 8 and having a infusion for you platelet defect, your concert at elm dale with a circus theme when you were in 3-4th grade, playing catch with your dad and brother in the backyard, becoming vice president of the national honor society, leaving for you people to people trip that you were nominated for in 8th grade, running into the car mirror thru the garage in West Allis when you were 5-6 and cutting your right eyebrow and needing stitches, Laying in your underwear under the Christmas tree as we were decorating it, building a airplane, cub scouts at a retirement home you playing chess with one of the women residents, the excitement of going thru your stockings at St. Nick, Graduation, Moving you to Minnesota, and leaving you there the first time.

I could go on and on and on and on but this Trev is what goes thru my head in no order what so ever just constantly swirls wildly in my head with my eyes open, closed, sleeping or not, crying or not smiling or not everyday and minute you have been gone. 

I sometimes find my self thinking I just don't want to do this anymore, I JUST DON'T, I is so much work to open my eyes another day and take that 1st Breath of Pain

REAL .......IS THE HELL I LIVE

  
      I have not been able to write lately.  Well I guess that's not entirely true. Maybe I have been able to, but just don't want to or can't bring myself or want to yet again acknowledge that I don't have you here. That I am living my worst possible nightmare EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY WITH EVERYBREATH I TAKE.
I want to write, but there are so many words sentences, thoughts, feelings that it sometimes just is jumble in my mind. Everything seems to swirl together like I am a crazy person talking in tongues like I at one second know the words and know what I want to say and hear myself saying it all, but then again I feel like what in the sam's hell are you saying cause it is so very loud and so many things going thru my head it's like what the hell are you saying.
 I know ONE DEFINATE thing I want you back and I HATE that you are not here. That I miss you so so so very terribly,  I want to just hear you, see your smile I have never wanted to hug you more than FOREVER.
      I find myself watching your French toast video over and over sometimes what could be over a hundreds of times wanting to scream the entire time crying till my chest literally hurts. As soon as it stops I press play all over again and again and again.  My
 insides still churn with sickness of the images of what that day held, what they found, the scene of what it was, your face with no life, the images of them putting you in a body bag, That I was not there for me to hug you in my arms one last time. Dead or not I would be able to have you my arms cradling you, to talk to you even if you couldn't hear me. To touch your face, to kiss you. I am so still VERY PISSED THAT IT TOOK ALL FING DAY AND FOR ME TO CALL INQUIRING THAT I FOUND OUT. NOBODY..... NOBODY CAME TO ME. WTF  7 IN THE MORNING AND IT WAS ABOUT 4:30 PM TILL I HEARD MY SON WAS DEAD WITH A HEARTLESS DETECTIVE SAY "WELL IT WOULDNT OF MATTERED IF WE CAME EALIER IT WOULDNT HAVE BROUGHT HIM BACK) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME AS I AM OUT OF CONTROL WRITHING IN A PAIN I DONT EVEN KNOW THE DEPTHS OF AT THAT POINT, NOT EVEN IN MY BODY, ERUPTING WITH SCREAMS AND CRYING SO LOUD I CANT HEAR MYSELF, BUT YET I SEE GLASS BREAKING FROM THE SHEER SOUND OF MY SCREAMS, WHAT AM I EXPERIENCEING CAN BE FOR REAL. SO TELL ME AGAIN WTF YOU JUST SAID TO A MOTHER WHO JUST GOT TOLD HER SON IS DEAD????? WHAT THE FUCK.......
I can't get the sound out of my head and the wonder of the
sounds at the funeral home while we made your plans we sat above a very loud swishing sound that maybe nobody else paid attention to, but with every swish my heart was stabbed over and over, This is believed to be the machine filling my poor baby's body with a solution to make it so I couldn't ever hug you, hold you in my arms like it should be.
GOD TREVOR! OH MY GOD! GOD DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT. This time that seems to linger in slow motion without you is so torturous. I DON'T know how people go on, not get passed it cause I know that is impossible in my lifetime, but just breathe another day without crazy thoughts or totally losing my mind, ending up in a padded room rocking back and forth with emptiness.
   I know you were all about science and were open about it not scared to share what you believed in sometimes to the point of an argument.


 Maybe religion would help some,  I guess if you do believe the words of the wise priests, pastors, and helpers of god. Maybe praying to whatever god is believed in makes it easier. Whoever that may be.... He/She didn't prevent this pain for us, they can't fix this,cannot take this pain away and NEVER bring you back and if he/she stole you to do some good deed upstairs like a lot of people have said and or say your did what you needed to do here as they say. Pardon my French to my friends who believe, In no way do I mean this with any disrespect because if you know me you know I DONT JUDGE YOU ANY OF YOU for your beliefs and SORRY if it offends, but if in fact that were the case... If it was your time..... WHICH IT WAS NOT!!!!!
whoever it is IS A ASSHOLE.  So those of you who pray may chose to pray to save me. As far as I'm concerned I have a don't give a rats ass attitude for something that may or may not be in his/her control. Please keep praying hard because my pain is far past my give a shit.  If there is a heaven and there is a choice to let me in the good white pearly gates with white clouds and life forever or the bad burn in hell because I cursed him then Hell wouldn't be any worse than what my insides are like , the never ending stabbing feeling in my heart so whatever the hell is, its nothing compared to the hell I feel and live.Sooooooooooo it doesn't matter to me.
       

  I still try to be a good person and be as good of a mom to your brother. I try to think rationally and believe it isn't gonna fix things for me to leave this earth. Yes there have been those moments of irrational thinking, more than I'd like to admit. I couldn't leave pain to those who love me especially your Brother and your Dad. I don't think I could do that by not giving them the choice of thrown more pain in their faces. Kinda like we didn't have a choice and we were thrown into a life I never thought I would have, know or live.  I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO IT ON PURPOSE TREV I KNOW THAT, BUT IT IS SO VERY HARD TO NOT BLAME YOU TREVOR. MAYBE THE DRUG TOOK YOU OVER QUICK MAYBE BREAKING YOUR BACK IN FOOTBALL AND THOSE DRUGS STARTED IT, MAYBE COLLEGE LIFE FED INTO IT. I DON'T KNOW AND IT IS THE WHAT???????? I  HATE, HATE , HATE. I KNOW YOU DIDNT CHOOSE THIS PAIN ON US, BUT AS FAR AS WE KNOW NOBODY MADE YOU DO IT. YOU WERE RECKLESS AND INDISTRUCTABLE, OR YOU THOUGHT. YOU ULTIMATELY PUT THE EVIL INTO YOUR BODY. IT STILL KILLS ME THAT I DIDNT SEE ANYTHING. I HATE THAT YOU HID IT SO WELL. YES THESE LETTERS ARE IN CAPITALS CAUSE I AM YELLING SILENTLY AT YOU WITH NOT JUST A LUMP IN MY THROAT THE SIZE OF THE WORLD, BUT A SCREAM A SECOND AWAY AND TEARS THAT NEVER SEEM TO STOP. Whether I'm smiling or not they are there always. I feel them even if they aren't streaming down my face.
 Maybe therapy helps some to cope somehow. I found no help to go to a stranger and cry the blues of my life about you, crying and saying the same things at every appt and yet I felt no release, no better, It didn't make it easier to not miss you, to not have images in my head of the permanent one of my dead son, It really didn't help  me sleep better, It didn't help me to feel like my chest is not exploding and so many other things it supposed to help with.
   I love my friend ONE WHO WAS A HUGE PART OF YOUR LIFE. I love her determination and caring and love for us and you. She like others wants to help in any way she can somehow, some way she hoped it would help. reaching for some sort of something, anything I know probably feeling useless, but grasping in hopes of somehow helping me. I appreciate every second of thought for me,about me and trying. I tried energy help release,  acupuncture mixed with raki and a shaman or gentleman who releases bad energy waved his hands over me and chanted with gongs and chimes in the dark with calming sounds. I tried so very hard to relax and let something take over like a magic of some sort, but in turn had nothing felt nothing. At the end of our session He told me he feels m energy is good..... I'm ok. ???? OK???? He must of really mixed my energy with someone else's. lol.
I vent, share and let go in this blog, but at the end of these writings I seem to be left with the same questions / unanswered, the same feelings of dismay, the feeling of can this be true,be my life, Is this my reality, left with a excruciating pain that takes over my whole being, makes me body and mind so very tired, so exhausted cause I'm so just so very tired of this life, I just want it to go away and ultimately I am left WITHOUT YOU TREVOR. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH THERE IS NO MEASUREMENT OF THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Holiday Sadness

              TREVOR...................................... The holidays are now past.  Another year not having you here, another year of a pain I could of never of thought could exist in my life. I hate that I know the existence of this pain, this heart break, this life. It is extremely hard to celebrate knowing there is a huge void in our family. Knowing how much and real Ky's pain is without you. We didn't even put a tree up last year and this year it went up ONLY because we had children coming to our home. We spent time with family and made it thru hour by hour. Many tears were shed in my down time and most times I felt it so hard to conjure up a smile or have a face that wasn't showing the real feelings of pure agony. Many times my heart constantly pounded so hard and I felt out of breath trying to keep it together as my heart was wrenched, twisted, without it even being physically touched. There was a permanent lump in my throat and me wanting to scream was like a tea pot whistling at full blast. The biggest joy of this holiday was of course seeing any smile that your dad or brother showed
           Last night I lay in bed like hundreds and hundreds of nights before. As my mind raced like every other second in my life. I felt like I should vent put into words some of my thoughts without screaming at the top of my lungs. Silently I typed as my eyes fill with tears and my throat felt like it could explode from the pressure of the emotions being held in.
        
fb post from January 8th
Like many nights I lay here in the pitch black with my eyes wide open with visions of the good and the most horrifying. I've been laying here for 2 hours. I HATE this EMMENSE PAIN my heart has, that life is so very unfair, That at times I feel so betrayed and i'm so mad at you, but miss you so terribly and then feel horrible for my anger. I HATE that I cant blame someone for your ultimate stupid fing decision, I HATE that you werent scared of pushing the limits, I HATE that I didn't see SOMETHING....... I HATE that you weren't saved, that Your Mom the one who is supposed to protect you could not save you, I HATE that my mind NEVER shuts off reliving that day, the disbelief, the words of " Trevor is dead!!!!!" I hate 1 last text to you with only silence in return. I HATE that everyday is that day playing over and over with no reprieve, no pause, just runs rampad thru every neuron of my mind. I HATE that I cant hug you and tell you how much I love you, I HATE that you will be forever 20. I HAAAAAAATE THAT U R NOT HERE TREVOR!!!!!

         I in between the millions of visions and darkness of our room with the hint of moonlight shining thru the window I pleaded silently to have a interaction with your spirit, find you at the side or end of my bed like others have claimed to have seen with their family members or loved ones. I at one point was caught off guard and caught frozen breath held and thought for a second in time thought there was a dark figure at the door. Only to refocus, join reality again and remember it was your dads suit for his X-Mas party this coming Friday.
        I want so badly to have you here back in my life, WHAAAAAAAAAT? I KNOW ITS STUPID, DUMB UNREALISTIC, NOT AT ALL POSSIBLE, JUST DREAMS WISHES THAT WILL NEVER COME TRUE. I want so badly to have something, JUST SOMETHING with you.... of you. I want true visits, I want to see you even if it is a figure and I cant actually touch you. I want your being to be alive, WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY CANT I JUST HAVE 1 WISH LIKE IN THE MOVIES??????? JUST ONE IS ALL I WOULD ASK FOR.  This coming weekend is your balloon release to celebrate the day you blessed me/us with your life.  Its weird cause I don't want to celebrate, don't really consider it a celebration if its not fun, happy everything is great, life is perfect because you are not here and that is nothing to celebrate. BUT I do love having people come together, to see that you haven't been forgotten by everyone. My heart is touched knowing people still love you too even if your still not here, they support us and it is so wonderful to know we have so many behind us, and there to try to help with the unknown, because they don't know what to do or really say and we don't know what anyone can do, THERE ISN'T ANYTHING AND THAT TRULY SUCKS

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND THAT CAN BE CELEBRATED AND CAN'T EVER BE SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY FROM ME.
              I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW TREV.......