No Direction

 I find my depression has kept me uninterested in so many things since Trevor died. For years now I know I've slipped waaaaay down past the dirt, Way out to sea not engaging in much. Feeling no joy is so extremely exausting, especially when others just cant comprehend. I wish they but not with the consequences. Yes, others also lost Trevor, but all that matters to me is I DON'T HAVE HIM HERE. When I say uninterested it means caring about nothing! House, friends, family, events, Can you imagine being genuinely happy and full life with a full family. To go from that, to feeling desolate, dead, dark and empty. It is something I could never have predicted would ever take over my being. If u know me you know I went from outgoing, bubbly, productive, creative, good friend and HAPPY, TRULY HAPPY person. I until recently, found no hope or so little joy in things. I still reach far into my soul, but missing a huge part of me takes the air out of me, like a blow up santa.  Some days I have good intentions of not sitting on the couch all day, day in and day out. Staying in my pj's not wanting to roll to the edge of the bed and step into another day without Trev.  I try to pep talk myself, but yet the motivation is 1 out of a billion and most times so rare that it constantly plays hookie from my life. I lean so hard on a man who.......( if you don't like mush its your time to go) supports me immensely. Loves me for my diagnosis's of crazy and is there to love me for me.

I used to vacuum every day, my house clean and organized. Since Trev died he picks up my half of responsibility in house duties and has now for years. Along with working full time and doing his own things. That guilt along with so much more eats at me. Soooooo there's another area of crazy, cause I know he loves me unconditionally and I would step up if he needed the support. I have seen that tiny spark of joy and wonder and hope it stays and continues to grow. I'm really not sure where this blog would take me. Not sure if it even makes sense,but I started it with not really a direction. So in the past week, I've done dishes, laundry, cleaned the fish tank and tried to focus on that spark. 

I'm not saying the days of bed, couch and Jammie are over, but it's a step.... and I hear it's 1 foot in front of the other.

💗 me

HOPE

 I haven't posted in forever, but today was a day I just needed to revisit diarrhea of the mind and mouth, really fingers lol.

This was today's blog and I thought I'd share. 

Today I sit here reflecting on so sooo many things. # 1 I now have been taking ketamine micro dosing treatments for 3 months.

Ketamine - Known for its anesthetic effects and therapeutic potential, ketamine is increasingly being used as a treatment for anxiety and depression. 
At lower doses, ketamine can disrupt negative feelings and preoccupations and help the brain create new, healthier patterns. Ketamine is a transformational medicine of the mind. It can rapidly —often within an hour or two— lift the symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other conditions. When people suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, their neurons become stunted with fewer connections. Ketamine helps repair this damage by stimulating the production of chemicals that act like fertilizer for the brain, restoring and strengthening connections between neurons. Ketamine can also offer relief from negative thoughts by normalizing activity in a part of the brain known as the default mode network. By altering connectivity in this part of the brain, ketamine can help people to break out of old thought patterns that cause anxiety and depression.

Most of my blogs have been with raw emotion, distress, exhaustion, Devastation, Desperation, panic, physical pain, disassociations, isolation, a lot of descriptive words sharing my complete heartache. 

My grief so vast, the void echos daily reminding me of what's missing to make me whole, that my friends and family will stay FOREVER.

I had never in my life thought I could have so many feelings, words to describe pain, in phrases, sentences. Its endless really, although it all feels the same to me.

I feel these hurdles the many I have are treacherous and feel so Un accomplishable, yet I continue to muster the strength to live another day. When you wake though there's been no miracle, no dreams come true, you wake bammmm there it is reality. The devastation starts over again and its evil and ugly, redundant and just so exhausting. I always hope that the next morning won't be so hard, the day be so meaningless. The air stale and a cloud of darkness hanging over you, even on the sunniest day. I yearn for an easier day. I'd like to feel a bit lighter, to feel a genuine smile and be ok with it, laugh and not feel the guilt and embarrassment of others and what they may think of me as a mother of a child who died from an overdose. Why is she smiling? Why is she laughing? How can she find joy? or Judgment well I guess she's over it because she is doing something (other than crying curled up in a ball on the floor.) These are things that I know can and can't be true, but I will say this with the loudest of voices and this is something TOTALLY unexpected for a lot of you that I am even saying these words.  

I DO DESERVE TO HAVE HAPPY TIMES; I DESERVE TO ALSO STILL BE DEVASTATED THAT MY SON IS DEAD. I AM ALOUD TO HAVE HORRENDOUS DAYS, HOURS, MINUTES, SECONDS, BUT I ALSO DO KNOW TREVOR WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE SAD. THAT IS SOMETHING I KNOW IS TRUE, BUT I KNOW HE ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A SAY, BECAUSE OF HIS STUPID DECISIONS AND BEING A LEADER THAT FOLLOWED. I ALSO DON'T THINK THERE IS ANY PLACE BETTER FOR TREVOR THAN RIGHT HERE WITH US, SOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOO, NO HE'S NOT IN A BETTER PLACE!! THAT IS FOR DAMN SURE.....

There is so much I need to work on and I'm definitely NOT close to getting over those hurdles, but after these 3 months of Ketamine, I CAN say those words and believe it. After 3 months I feel something!!!!, something other than being dead all shriveled up and rotten inside. Like you're on a plane looking at Chicago lights from thousands of miles in the air. I feel that just 1 streetlight is on. Thats in my heart. I feel the beats, and not having it feel like its buried sunken treasure at the tippiest (I know probably not a word.) part of my toes.  I have not had suicidal contemplations or plans. That in itself is HUGE, I think anyway. I'm not saying I still don't have thoughts of no pain at all, but a flighting irrational thought is just that, flighting and that's a step in the right direction.

I guess I just wanted to jot some words down and toot my own horn for lighting that 1 streetlight. I STILL AM ALL THE HURDLES, BUT THERE IS A GLIMMER OF HOPE!

REFLECTING

                It's been so very long since I have felt  like sharing on the blog. I forget how painful it is to start a new post.  I question if I want to dive into stories, thoughts, feelings. I start with a numbness, and then my fingers reach the keys and I start to type. I don't know why I try to block the feelings, because it's inevitable that they will push the gates wide open and the flood of emotions takes over. 

                As I sit here and contemplate what I want to get out today I think to myself why do this to yourself? Why do you want to get upset and end up feeling so full of loneliness for you Trev and the agony of so many things that have come with losing you. It brings a enormous sadness, one that is so completely painful I never thought there could be a level such as this. 

              It's been so long Trevor, yet it seems like just yesterday that I heard the dreaded words that destroyed who I used to be forever.  1948 Days you have been gone. It doesn't seem like a huge number by just looking at it, but IT IS!  It is 5 Years 3 Months and 29 Days. I never thought I would have to live my life without you in and knowing it's forever gives me the sickest feeling and the deepest of sorrows.

              I never thought Pain could bring me to think , say, do so many things that a person should never think about. Knowing that those things can destroy a persons very existence, and can bring loss and devastation and change lives to those who love me, yet I attempted. Not so long ago I took a scissors to my wrist.  The whole time thinking I don't want to bring pain to those who love me, but I also don't want to feel this pain anymore. In those same thoughts also thinking all my mental health issues would disappear with one simple act

A pain so vast

 

Days that the heaviness of your heart feels like it will burst out of your soles, your lungs feel like they are collapsing with every exhale. The pressure in your head makes your whole head and face hurt. Your mind is foggier than a cloudy/dreary day. There is no creativity. The sadness is unforgiving and you just want to crawl under whatever you can and disappear from the world that your life has become. The guilt makes your stomach so sick you aren't sure if you should throw up or eat your way thru the day to try and put that nauseous feeling at bay. On top of the rest of my mental health it all feels so useless. You work and fight so extremely hard ,so extremely hard for the better days and the bad days just completely defeat you.

Just a mom who misses one of her children so hard that getting hit by a truck would be
painless.

Missing you Trev my grief so very vast and my love indescribable

TOURNEY FINISHES

  Well...… All Raffles put together and wrapped, All titles, labels and numbers applied, Hopefully I have all Donators listed on our appreciation board and info logged in my records.

I think we now have teams set, all my wonderful volunteers are confirmed. Cars are packed and soon to have tables picked up.

        I STRESS FROM THE 1ST DAY OF PLANNING, I WORK SO VERY HARD TO TRY TO MAKE THIS DAY AS GREAT AS IT CAN BE. i DONT ASK FOR MUCH HELP BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY THING I CAN DO FOR YOU. I CAN'T HOLD YOU, KISS YOUR CHEEKS FEEL THAT HUG AND CAN'T SAVE YOU SO THIS IS WHAT I HAVE.

       MANY SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, RACING THOUGHTS, WORRY, ANXIETY AND FALLING ASLEEP WITH TEARS IN MY EYES. YOUR DAD SUPPORTING ME EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY. CHEERING ME ON, HOLDING ME UP AND LOVING ME ENDLESSLY TELLING ME THAT IT WILL ALL TURN OUT FINE.

       TODAY FINALIZING EVERYTHING IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE SUCKER PUNCHED ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN.  YOUR DAD HOLDING ME AS TIGHT AS HE CAN AS MANY HARD SOBBING TEARS HAVE FALLEN. As I sit here writing this I still can't believe tomorrow even exists..

      ALL THIS TREVOR, ANOTHER YEAR OF PREPARATION FOR A DAY WE SHOULD OF NEVER HAVE HAD TO HAVE FOR YOU..

I HOPE YOU CAN SEE TOMORROW HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED BY OTHERS STILL. I HOPE STORIES CAN BE SHARED, SMILES FROM THINKING ABOUT YOUR ANTICS, REMEMBERING YOUR BIG BROWN EYES AND THAT LAUGH AND SARCASM, YOUR 1 AND ONLY PERSONALITY.

I, YOUR DAD AND YOUR BABY BROTHER LOVE AND MISS YOU BEYOND ANY WORDS. 

Just some of my inside

I did not know exactly what it was that Trevor died from. At his funeral though some people knew and some assumed. Some had the audacity to have drugs there. If I would of knew wrath like no other they would of seen. Some there fed into and sold or gave him something we had no idea about until his death. So called friends, and although my son chose to follow the steps of these so called friends there is resentment, There is anger, disgust, feeling of betrayal, a furious hate at times, wonder how much they truly did care for my son. A furious bubbling inside would like to show them how furious I am but, it won't bring my son back and wont change their ways so it's useless so inside I am forced to struggle with my own mortality. So many of them yet they smile to our faces and go on with their life as my sons is dead and gone and we are left with shattered hearts they cannot even fathom. I am left with emotional and health issues I will suffer for life, I'm stuck WITH THE IMAGES OF MY DYING SON, MY DEAD SON, AND HIS ASHES FOR THE REST OF MY BREATHING DAYS. Everyone knows now and whether there are some that may judge. they are supportive to us. I say do what your heart tells you. I was embarrassed and still feel like a tremendously horrible mother that I did not know he started using heroin, some say a mo before but there were also pill bottles( MY Pill bottles found from my back surgery ) so who know how long he was doing pills. I WILL NEVER know for sure, since my baby is silenced forever. Even though the embarrassment is gone, I put it out there my raw pain in Hope's it will hit home for someone and save their family, their Mother or Father or best friend close sibling or even their life. It's so rampant and out of control. Our kids are statistics but we can still have a voice and be proud of all the good they had, accomplished and who they were and be extremely proud they were our flesh and blood.
I am allowed my feelings and should not have to hold my tongue. I dont have to forgive because I have had my flesh and blood stolen, those others really dont have a say in how I feel or what I want to say. Trevor died in some apartment with ( I wont go into the extra feels I have for him,)of a Xanax/Herion accidental OD.
WITHOUT HIS MOMMA, BY HIMSELF WITH NOT A PERSON THAT GAVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM. BET I bet those "friends" dont even it a second thought.

Nobody misses you and loves you LIKE YOUR MOMMA.

4 years of continued excruciating pain

Do I even know where to start.  Of course I do!!!!!  Opening my eyes, knowing its the day, THE DAY I DREAD every year more than the other days I hate, Balling with a completely broken heart. with the start button put on REPLAY OVER AND OVER.

4 years ago I started my day like every other, loving my life and feeling blessed because my family was whole.  I knew I had a awesome husband who loved me and had my boys my heart and soul who I thought would be with me forever, my  whole world.

Did I know that normal day I would hear unbelievable words , words I never expected to EVER hear?

Did I know I'd be a part of what you see in movies and collapse  on the ground, people staring from afar as I lost my mind screaming in agony?

Did I know that my child was found dead at 7AM in some apartment that belonged to someone who I didn't know and that loser was not a friend and neither was the loser that was with Trevor the night before.

Did I know my life would change forever that day, that I would lose a piece of myself.

Did I know I would never ever be the same.

  What I did find out is that his girlfriend at the time came to the house at 1 PM searching for him, cause he didn't show up for work.

I did know that was out of character and that he wasn't home.

I do know it took me to inquire calling the police station with no response from anyone after calling 3 times, then to get a call back saying we should probably come to the station (AT 4PM).NOT 7AM

I do know I thought why could the detective just tell me that Trevor got arrested?

I do know I ask him to just let me know he was ok.

I do know I thought he couldn't tell me because Trev was 18 yrs old.

I do know that even after pulling into the lot and seeing his girlfriend on the steps crying

I do know I had no clue that ANYTHING was wrong until I hit the steps of the police station and heard TREVOR IS DEAD.

I do know that my youngest baby came out of the double doors and fell into his dads arms.

I do know that at that moment I thought this could not be my life.

I do know I said No!!!!  about a million plus times before that collapse.

I did end up finding out the loser called his mommy before 911 or the police.

I did find out that my baby ended up still ,cold and laying in a morgue ALL DAY and  NOBODY...... NOBODY contacted me to let me know that my son would never take another breath, give me another kiss or never ever say I LOVE YOU to me again.

I do know that as I was distraught and bouncing from one wall the other, asking where my baby was, that I wanted to see him and being told no I wasn't aloud to see him.

I ASKED WHYYYYYYY I WASNT CALLED.

I DO KNOW THAT THE DETECTIVE TURNED TO ME AND SAID WELL...… EVEN IF WE WOULD OF CALLED YOU IT WOULD NOT BEING YOUR SON BACK!

WHAT?????????? WHAT DID I JUST HEAR??????

HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU SON OF A BITCH.

I do know that being held up walking out of the police station I didn't know what just happened to me.

I do know I went home feeling completely empty

I do know that our whole house was full of his friends and their parents and our family and friends that same night, some sitting in Trevs bedroom, some in the kitchen some outside ALL IN DISBELIEF.

I do know I didn't believe seeing my baby for the first time at the funeral home, laying still on a gurney in a hospital gown.

touching his face, kissing him and he was cold and hard, the was no expression in his face, he wasn't moving, there was no breath coming from him, and when I put my head on his chest sobbing there was complete silence just like the silence when I pleaded screaming with him to wake up, when I asked why????

I do know I was numb picking out flowers and casket and urn.

I do know that I went to visit him almost every single day until his funeral.

I do know those days  leading to the funeral I was in a haze don't remember a lot.

I do know there were literally well over 1200 people that came to support us and I greeted every person personally numb and still in disbelief.

I DO KNOW I NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE MY BABY THAT NIGHT KNOWING I WOULD NEVER SEE OR BE ABLE TO TOUCH OR KISS , TALK OR HEAR HIM

I DO KNOW I STILL SOMETIMES THINK HE IS GOING TO COME THRU THE DOOR

I DO KNOW I HAVE NIGHTMARED OFTEN,

THAT I HAVE ANXSIETY THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM DYING

THAT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND NO ANSWERS WILL EVER COME

THAT MY SHATTERED HEART CAN NOT EVER BE REPAIRED

THAT I STILL CANT COMPREHEND THAT MY BABY IS GONE!

AND

I DO KNOW I WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH A VOID SO VAST I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH

AND I DO KNOW A GUILT LIKE NO OTHER

THAT I GRIEVE TREV, I GRIEVE THAT LIFE THAT IS NO MORE, THAT I GRIEVE WHO I USED TO BE AND WHO I WILL BE FOREVER, THAT IM TERRIFIED THAT I WILL LOSE MY YOUNGEST BABY

I DO KNOW THIS PAIN IS INDESCRIABABLE,THAT I  MISS TREVOR MORE THAN ANY WORD CAN DESCRIBE, THAT I FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATED, THAT I FEEL LIKE IM SUFFICATING, IM DROWNING DAILY.

I HAVE FELT FEEL GUILT, I HAVE MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART FOR 48 MONTHS, 1,462 DAYS, 2,105.280 MINUTES AND 126,316,800 SECONDS AND I WILL HAVE GUILT, MISS AND HAVE A BROKEN HEART TILL I DRAW MY FINAL BREATH.

SO EVEN WITH MY NOVAL THERE IS STILL NO, NO WORDS