The loneliest place

                  This morning I woke up SCREAMING so loud and reached over to feel for your dad. I forgot he had to work for a few hours this morning. So he wasn't there to hold me, let me cry, my tears falling making a small puddle on his chest trying to console my emotional shell.  These times are the times that are my loneliest. I cried so hard and screamed so loud. After writing in the journal book . I got up I wasn't going to go back to sleep. I checked Fb, picked up my t-shirt blankey and laid in your bed. I cried to you, I talked to you, I screamed at you and about you and about this whole horrendous life you have left us. I was so extremely  upset. I must of cried myself to sleep, because By the time I woke up your dad was home.
I just want dreams to be dreams that I can at least like and not have to be distress everytime I wake up or have dreams with you and feel at peace or feel good that I was close to you. I don't though no matter how the dream is bad, good , neutral I wake screaming out of control.
the initial feeling of seeing you this morning I thought was going to be happy in the dream, but it ended in being distraught.
There was no real surroundings I just looked at you, I was close to you and I said Hiiiiii very softly.
It didn't look like a casket that you were in but it did have sides because my face was kinda inside something close to your face. The first time I said Hi you slowly opened your eyes where it seemed like they were focused on me, like a relief look on your face, but it turned so quickly, went from maybe me saying hiiiiiiiiiii loving you and you just looking at me butnot moving about 3 times as you opened and closed your eyes. Then your eyes rolled in the back of your head and I started screaming noooooo. NO NO NO its ok Hiiii Hiiiiiiiiii HIiiiiiiii baby Hiiiiiiiiii baby its momma, PLEEEEEASE momma is here. It got to the point of I was just saying It's Momma PLEEEEEEEEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEASE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
screaming just wanting you to open your eyes one more time I just want to see your beautiful brown eyes. As I was screaming relentlessly your face went from looking live, pink, soft alive, alive to pale then a dark grey with the same blotchiness on your cheeks that you had by the end of your funeral because there were so many people and it was warm for so many hours.
Grey blotchy and hard it ended up looking just like the last time I was able to see, touch, kiss you. YOU WERE DEAD! The whole time I was screaming the same words to you. That is when I woke up.
As I sit here typing and tears streaming down my face almost unable to hold in a full blown cry. I glance up to look at you, the platinum urn that you reside in. HATING  IT! HATING IT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF ME!