Cold.... Dark..... Days

                                       Winter has come and the added depression, the actual physical short dark days and shitty weather is upon me. OH WHAT FUN it is to ride this new life of mine..... It seems as though life gets worse with every passing day, harder and harder. There is NO nothing, NO gifts, NO weather, NO smile, NO hug, NO sunny day, NO words of any kind, NOT any night or day is it better, easier. NO MAGIC PILL. A MAGIC PILL is my wish for X-mas Trevor. I know really Mom...... get real....How dumb right???? Yea stupid dreams and impossible wishes.
                                                                I thought I could multi task before, maybe physically I could, but my mind has become a professional at it with the CONSTANT thoughts of happier days of the past,  along with the horrendous thoughts and visions of the past almost 15 months. In the whirlwind of mess in my mind is also the thought's of  the present and the future Trevor. The future with the void of you. A humongous piece of me, the spot that is yours and only you could fill, the space that is a empty of your smile, laugh, the twinkle in your eyes of witty and humorous personality, and the amazing love you gave to me. I miss your whole being, everything about you, but most of all it is your genuine caring and your affection. When kids hit that age of being embarrassed, or distant from their parents you were NEVER EVER that way. ALWAYS you loved me as unconditional as I love you. If only my unconditional was enough Trev, IF ONLY..........
                                Your dad and I go out, we laugh together and can't enjoy each other enough. He spends time away from the house with his guys because it breaks up the monotony and keeps us from just settling in a chair deteriorating as life passes us by. He forces me to go places even when I don't want to because my friend's love me, and the only thing they can do is smile, hug and love me because there IS NOTHING else ANYONE can do. I do laugh, smile, joke around, but there is ALWYAS the EVIL SADNESS and devastating grief that torments my whole being. It is that of a Harry Potter DEMENTOR, not searching for me because it has already found me, but following me, chasing me, overshadowing me, NEVER letting me relax, breathe, enjoy life to the fullest anymore.
                              The real world is like Wild Fires, Tsunamis and the strongest Darkest Tornadoes filling the space in my head and sucking the life out of me. This year seems so much harder than the last.  Although I think reality is becoming more real as time goes on, the numbness is wearing off and the pain has become overwhelming. How much more overwhelming can it be? I thought it was as overwhelming as it could get. I thought the pain hit the its highest level possible................... I was WRONG TREVOR so VERY WRONG!!!!!!   I could easily lay in my bed with the covers over my head, lay in your bed staring at the walls with a continuous stream of tears down my face listening to the ongoing screaming that fills my mind, the flashes of so many millions of things like a fast forward x5.  I could become a shut in sitting and holding what I have left of you. A COLD HARD CONTAINER MADE FROM PEWTER the storage of your remains.
 
                                        IT KILLS ME TREVOR to look at you, and know your whole body, casket fits inside A JAR. There is no way I could bury you and have visions of you rotting away. I couldn't totally be without you so instead I burned you into pieces, I BURNED YOU TREVOR, I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR TURNING YOU INTO DUST WITH CHUNKS OF BONE, SHARDS that didn't reduce in the 1800 degree oven. I gave them permission to sweep you into a container to be put into a shaker to break up the rest of you into the smallest parts they can. DO YOU REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS TO ACCEPT NOT ONLY THAT YOU ARE DEAD, NEVER COMING HOME......... BUT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO THE BEING YOU CREATED, CARRIED AND WATCHED WITH AMAZEMENT MOVE INSIDE OF YOU, NUTURED, BIRTHED, HELD, DEPENDED ON YOU FOR SO MANY THINGS ( WHAT SHOULD OF BEEN FOR LIFE) SOMEONE U LOVED AND NEVER PICTURED YOUR LIFE WITHOUT.  I KNOW THE WAY YOU LIVED AND YOU WOULD WANT ME TO MOVE FORWARD MAYBE NOT PAST BUT LIVE ON. YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME THE CHOICE .........................IT IS NOT FAIR THAT YOU DESEEVED ME, I FEEL SO MANY THINGS. YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I GO THRU ON A DAILY BASIS TREVOR. THE TYPE OF AGONY WAS SO UNIMAGINABLE AND NOW I KNOW IT LIKE A BEST FRIEND, IT HAS BECOME INTERTWINED INTO MY BODY AND MIND.  YOU HAVE NO CLUE, YOU COULD NOT KNOW IN A GAZILLION YEARS WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME.
I WISH YOU COULD OR WOULD OF MAYBE THOUGHT OF THE PAIN IT WOULD CAUSE THE LIFE IF WOULD SUCK FROM ME.
I WISH YOU WOULD OF THOUGHT ALL THIS BEFORE YOU TRIED THE LIFE THAT KILLED YOU.

Thanksgiving and everyday

IT IS NOT OK TREVVVVOR!!!!! LIFE IS NOT OK, I AM NOT OK. PRETENDING, COVERING TRYING IS SO EXAUSTING.

I wonder does it all matter????

                    TREVOR,  I went to bed last night barely able to keep my eyes open. I had short periods of sleep waking on and off all night. I woke more awake not able to sleep peeking over your dad to see the clock....... at 3:09am. Maybe it is hard or impossible to know that waking before I can even open my eyes you are the first thought in my mind Trev. My eyes well up, the screaming in my head starts and that day plays over in my head the moment I couldn't believe I was hearing, the moment I looked into your brothers eyes as he cried, the moment your brother and dad grabbed each other tighter than ever, the moment I fell unable to feel myself, like it was a scene from a movie IT ONLY HAPPENS IN MOVIES TREVOR!!!!!!!!!! My stomach drops, my heart hurts and I DREAD GETTING OUT OF BED TO FACE THE REAL WORLD..    
                     I am so grateful for your dad and I am extremely blessed to have your brother, but waking is so extremely hard not wanting to get out of bed everyday. This morning hearing the rain is calming to some and maybe in the past it would of been something I didn't even think about. It today is not a calming sound, it is knowing it was not going to be a sunny day weather wise, making it even more difficult than the days before to raise my body and get my legs off the side of the bed. I laid there closing my eyes trying to make myself believe its gonna be a better day. I picture you and your smile, wishing I could hear your voice. I beg with all my heart knowing what I want is not possible.
                     As I work today on my birthday I cry and luckily I only have the babies so they don't don't care or notice. I think to myself ........"IT IS JUST ANOTHER DAY" MY AGE IS ANOTHER YEAR , BUT MY BEING IS SO MUCH OLDER, MY HEALTH STRUGLING, I CANNOT BE MYSELF, THE SELF I WAS, I AM UNABLE TO BRING THAT BACK TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!! I am stuck in a hell like no other. I KNOW FOR REAL that you are not here and are not coming back yet I find myself constantly wanting, wishing, begging to the all mighty whoever that  I would give ANYTHING, PLEEEEASE just give you back to me.
                         I am wished so many happy birthdays and well wishes. I read them and think to myself I appreciate the thought's I really and truly do, but IT DOESNT MATTER, EVEN IF IT WAS SUNNY, TODAY IS JUST ANOTHER DAY, SO I AM A YEAR IT TIME OLDER, I FEEL YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD MY HEALTH IS SUFFERING. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME THAT ITS MY DAY, I DONT MATTER, THE DAY IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE, NOTHING MATTERS MUCH EXCEPT ITS ANOTHER YESTERDAY, TODAY, HOUR, MINUTE, SECOND I BREATHE THAT I DON'T HAVE YOU HERE. THE PAIN I HAVE, THE HEART BREAK YOU LEFT ME TREVOR . THE AGONY LIKE NO OTHER IS NOTHING TO CELEBRATE.
                           
 I WISH YOU WERE HERE, I REPEAT IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER TREVOR, YOU LEFT ME BROKEN, SO BROKEN I FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO REPAIR, TIME GOES ON BUT STANDS STILL

.
                         I JUST LOVE YOU..................................................... XOXOXOXOXOX

My Baby

                I woke up crying so extremely hard this morning. I couldn't stop Trevor. I grabbed my dream journaling book that Audrey bought me. I ran out of the book that you wrote your stories in from the many dreams and nightmares that I have had since you died.
                I went to the bathroom to write planning on going back to bed laying there trying to get the horrible visions out of my head, screaming to my self in my mind, begging for something, something that tells me why Trevor..... Instead I couldn't control my sobbing it only got louder and louder as I sat on the toilet waiting to calm enough for my hands to stop shaking to write. Your dad was awake wanting me to calm down. I CANNOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like he is just saying be quiet!!!!! I know he does it because I get so out of control sometimes where I can't breathe which then it brings on a asthma episode. Even when I physically stop it NEVER stops inside. I can be talking to someone about something, may be looking right at them, maybe laugh, smile talk and all the while that screaming is going on in my head. IT DOES NOT STOP, DOES NOT TREVOR...........................
                So I went to your room grabbed one of your pillows sat holding it as tight as I could I always end up rocking and crying doing a somewhat silent scream into it. I sat there forever crying looking at all of your things, the things still left in your room just like it was when you died, well except its dusted vacuumed and cleaned up.  I look at your pictures from one of the funeral boards I made and hung in your room still hold your pillows, clothes anything I can draw your scent from.  It is the only thing I have tangible that is you.
                  I just HATE that I can't have you home. I would take a filthy room, no gas in the car, you just being lazy I WOULD TAKE ANYTHING....... I think to myself I would even take you back at the funeral home the first day we saw you, the numerous times they let us visit before your funeral and the night of you funeral. I would take back those hours minutes seconds and cherish having you whole being able to touch you your face EVEN to talk you no with no answers I am exhausted missing you hating this new life Trevor
                  Remembering all these moments of the video and those apply to watching you grow, holding you watching you. All the moments that I should have WILL NEVER BE. I will always have the memories and pictures and movies of my baby but those don't even compare any to what could of been that was stolen from me.

https://www.facebook.com/todayparents/videos/10154040297262984/?pnref=story 

BE SCARED !!!!

Trev this is yet another post i shared about what and how your fearless life left us.
What hot hell I breathe EVERY SECOND I inhale and exhale NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK ON THE OUTSIDE

As I lay here again up since 3ish I sob uncontrollably remebering the emotion and love shared this night. Not just then but always. Although there was space in between with your different things going on in your lives. You were always there for each other. There wasn't any question of how much Trevor loved you Brayden Campagna I believe he would of done ANYTHING for you. EVERYTIME not just because Trevor is dead but since this picture was taken I cry everytime seeing this. This picture showed the raw, unedited, true emotion of love between friends that there is. He considered you a brother, and even though we dont see u as much consider you a part of our family. I am sorry you share part of our agony, I wish he would of told u something and if he did I wish we would of known to try and save the soul he apparently was being drawn into.
 I WANT TO SAVE YOUR PARENTS from the hell that Peter and I are living. We thought we would know.... You would think you would see, but THERE WAS NO APPARENT SIGNS, TREVOR WAS SMART, HE WAS PART OF DARE, TAUGHT FROM EARLY ON, HE WAS GIVEN INFORMATION TO MAKE SMART CHOICES, HE KNEW THE DANGERS.

**PEOPLE NEED TO BE SCARED!!!!
**PARENTS U NEED TO KNOW THIS COULD BE YOUR CHILD!!!!
** I WAS A THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US, TREV IS HONEST, DOESNT HIDE THINGS, HAS TOLD US ALOT OF THINGS A CHILD WOULDN'T TELL THEIR PARENTS. .......BE NOSEY, CHECK ROOMS,  ASK QUESTIONS. READ AND LEARN THE SIGNS THE LINGO, WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, ITEMS TO USE....STRAWS, ENDS OR CORNERS OF CREDIT CARDS, BAGGIES TIED OR RUBBER BAND WITH A SMALL POCKET AT THE END, INSIDE BOOKS THAT MAY BE CUT OUT INSIDE. IN AREAS OF CARS.... ASHTRAYS POCKETS, GLOVE COMPARTMENT, ITEMS THAT BE ABLE TO HOLD A TINY BAGGIE
 IF YOU PAY OR HAVE ACCESS TO PHONES GO THRU, TEAR ROOMS APART!!!!!
IF U SUSPECT DONT CARE IF YOUR KID GETS EXTREMELY PISSED AT YOU.
IT IS YOUR HOUSE AND IT COULD SAVE YOUR CHILDS LIFE.
PARENTS.......... DONT BE PISSED IF A PARENT IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY SOMETHING TO U EVEN IF YOU DONT SEE ANYTHING.
PLLEEEEEEEEASE DONT BE SCARED TO DO ALL THIS OR ASK, QUESTION. DON'T BE NIEVE AND THINK NOT MY CHILD
************BECAUSE ***** IT CAN BE********* YOUR CHILD OR YOUR CHILDS FRIEND.

I DONT WANT TO SEE U LIVE MY LIFE.
THIS LIFE THAT FEELS NO DIFFERENT THAN THE DAY I HEARD TREVOR IS DEAD!!!!!!!
 HOURS OF SLEEP OR NOT SLEEPING, EEEEVERY WAKING HOUR, WORDS THAT HAUNT EVERY MILLISECOND I BREATHE, THE CONSTANT IMAGES OF FEELING A PART OF THE SKULL OPENED, KNOWING YOUR CHILDS BODY HAS BEEN CUT INTO, EMPTIED AND THROWN BACK TOGETHER, YOUR CHILDS FACE SEWN /GLUED SHUT LAYING MOTIONLESS NEVER TO TALK, SMILE, LAUGH, INHALE OR LOVE U EVERRRRR EEEEVERRRR AGAIN.

THE SILENCE...............

                       Recently our cousin Gail made a comment that I received beauty in our family. I truly do appreciate the compliment I really do, but not only body and especially mind, I feel I have aged right before my eyes this past year. I am extremely blessed to have your brother and your dad and LOVE THEM PAST INFINITY and grateful for the love they give to me along with the support. Also I am blessed to have a world of others who have been there for me/us. I have been told and I honestly know that I have much to live for, but there are tears that stream down my face with a endless pain. That ball in your throat that feels like you can't swallow, me trying not to scream at the top of my lungs with agony.  There is a darkness that surrounds and torments my days and nights. The unfixable excruciating pain that reshatters my heart with every breath I take. IT IS Sooooooo unbelievable and proves to be the nightmare I never thought I would much less have, but LIVE, the one I have to live without you Trevor.

                     I still to this day in a unrealistic world, my subconscious mind, my daydreams think sometimes if I stare long enough at the door you will come in. I think you will walk thru for me to see that mischievous smile of yours and pep in your step your go get em or do anything outgoing personality and your truly loving spirit.

                      If I just PLEAD RELENTLESSLY PLEEEEAASE , IF I CLOSE MY EYES TIGHT ENOUGH OR HOPE HARD ENOUGH, OR BELIEVED THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES. IF I BELIEVED OF A HIGHER BEING, IF ONLY MY PLEA'S WERE HEARD CAME TRUE.

      INSTEAD I PLEAD TO COMPLETE SILIENCE, IT IS SO DEAFINING AND GO UNANSWERED. COOOOOOOOOOOOOME ON TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just ask 1 thing, just 1 wish, onnnnnnnne thing the only thing in the world I want.

                       

 I just want you to walk in, thru the door appear there so I can touch you. come back thru what some say the light. Like in the movies WISH HARD ENOUGH TREVOR, TALK TO YOURSELF SAYING I CANT GO YET, MY MOM AND DAD AND BROTHER CANT LIVE WITHOUT ME, IT WOULD CHANGE THEIR LIVES FOREVER, MY MOM WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME NEVVVER, SHE WOULD BE LOST, WHAT WILL MY BROTHER DO FEEL, MISS. WHAT WOULD DAD SAY HOW MUCH HE WOULD BE MISSING, IT WOULDNT MAKE SENCE FOR ME TO GO. SOOOOO I WANT TO GO BACK, JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE REAL WORLD. I JUST WANT YOU TO IN THAT LIGHT KNOW YOU ARE WANTED AND LOVED. JUST BREATHE TAKE THAT BREATH, PPPPPPPLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE OPEN YOUR EYES.

                 YOUR MOM IS BEGGING YOU PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAASE

REACH FURTHER, GRAAAAAAAAAB MY HAND HONEY, TREVOR WALK BACK INTO MY LIFE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY CAN'T MY LIFE BE A MOVIE?????

WHERE IS OUR HAPPLY EVER AFTER????

WHY IS IT WE WERE GIVEN THIS NIGHTMARE TREVOR?????????

 I JUST WANT TO HEAR, I WANT THAT ANSWER, NO I WANT THIS TO BE A NIGHTMARE WE CAN WAKE FROM

MY HEART BREAKS AND CRYS, MY CHEST SO HEAVY KNOWING NOT ONLY DO I NOT HAVE ANY ONE LAST ANYTHINGS

BUT MY NOW'S WITH YOU ARE SILENT AND GONE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

STANDING STILL

                            Its been awhile since I last talked to you here. It isn't that I haven't talked to you, it's just been other places a lot in your room, sometimes not knowing what to say cause its all been said before, its bee thought and felt. Sometimes by your tree I lay on your bench and look into the sky the emptiness that I feel. I just sit and stare at your tree still wondering why US yes.... US. I know there are other families, but I don't at this point care so much about them I don't want ours to be one of those statistics. I hate this torture, sadness, emptiness, PAIN, PAIN describes everyday without you. PAIN describes the stabbing feeling that is in my heart EVRY DAY, PAIN is what we live without you. I CAN"T STAND THIS TYPE OF PAIN. I think the pain of cutting my leg off without being numb would be less than this pain I have.
                            Every time I see a picture of you I remember your smile, but want so badly to HEAR YOU, HEAR YOUR HUMOR, YOUR LAUGH, YOUR VOICE.  I wish I had a message from you to listen to over and over. Instead...... I have a text on June 29th 2015 of .......  WHERE ARE YOU?  TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE R U? That is all I have Trevor. We do have movies from when you were young, but I want now, I mean then, I mean BEFORE, BEFORE all this silence. All I hear is the screaming I have done, the crying I have done, the noise in my head of saying over and over I want you to be here, to have you ALIVE. It is repeated even though I know it is not possible. ALL I CAN SAY IS THIS IS SO UNFAIR, SO HARD, SO NUMBING, SO CATASTOPHIC, THE PAIN UNDESCIBABLE. 
I CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE AND WILL TALK ABOUT YOUR TOURNEY SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUPPORT WAS AMAZING AND THE TURNOUT GREAT.
I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU AND FEEL THE PAIN OF THAT DAY AND THE VISIONS SO VIVID IN MY MIND STILL AS IF TIME HAS STOOD STILL.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My Last Night

On this date 1 year ago we walked into double doors tormented with the sight of u in a casket at the front of an empty room. My baby so handsome, but not a dream as we would of wanted it to be. It was very real as I reached you with trembling everything I draped my arms over you as my face met your chest and then your face. I cupped your cheeks, I spoke to you with no response. You so very cold and no heartbeat to hear. I would of laid there the whole night if I could of. I couldnt, I would have to share this very last night with you with others. I didnt know how mant but it was alot. I really didnt have to, but you deserved to be honored and talked to and prayed over. You deserved the over 4 hours of non stop constant people coming to say goodbye. Hundreds and hundreds over 1000 people cared for u, about u, about us to wait hours I was told to reach, us, you. It still kinda of a haze. I NEVER LEFT YOU..... After it all, the people, the music, the stories the tears, an empty room again held you in the same place. Reality hit my medicated being and I knew then, this was IT, it was the very last time I would see u, your body, your real face, hold your cheeks, kiss my babys forehead and tell you I LOVED YOU OVER AND OVER. I COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO LEAVE, MY BODY STILL, MY MIND SUCKING UP EVERY CURVE, WRINKLE ON YOUR FACE. I WAS NOT LEAVING YOU!!!! I JUST COULDNT LEAVE MY BABY, YOUR MOM IS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU, TO SAVE U TO KISS YOU AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER. IIIII CAANT ITS DONE!!!!!!! TREVOR!!!!!! THIS CANT BE REALLLL. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. Iwant you to just pop up and say OH MOM IM JUST KIDDING..... IT DIDNT I KNEW INSIDE IT COULDNT. I was slowly moved like slow motion back from you, NEVER TAKING MY EYES OFF OF YOU. I was sobbing uncontrollably PLEEEEEASE PETER!!!!!! PLEASE I CANT, DONT MAKE ME LEAVE MY BABY, as your dad lead me away I kept telling you I loved you, im sorryyyyy, I LOVE YOU ONE LAST AS MY HEART FELL OUT OF MY CHEST AND THE EMPTINESS CAUSED A HOLLOWNESS INSIDE. I LOVE YOU TREV, MOMMY LOVES YOU ONE LAST TIME LOOKING FROM THE SAME DOUBLE DOORS I DREADED GOING THROUGH AT THE BEGINNING OF THAT NIGHT. THE NIGHT I HAD TO SAY GOODBYE FOR THE LAST TIME.

                    Treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeev I am in such a horrible place. People think I am so strong, that I am moving on, that its getting easier or time makes it better. IT IS NOT TREVOR............. EVERYDAY TO THIS DAY I could scream at the top of my lungs still, punch whoever I come in contact with. slam my head into a wall. I can't ask for more wonderful support from our friends Trevor, our family Trevor and even acquaintances. We couldn't ask for anymore love and support, but for me TREV it is just not enough. It isn't at all that I don't appreciate it cause I do, but in this I feel so alone. Yes your dad has lost his son, Ky has lost his brother, our family have lost a grandson, nephew, cousin and friends they have lost your spark, spunk and lust for life, the laughs and the fun you gave every single day to someone.....Anyone who came in contact with you.
   I am so extremely desperate to have you back, I know you aren't able to come back. WHY? Because I have you sitting right in front of us everyday as we sit in the family room. I have your ashes by my heart daily in my necklace, I have you in my heart but it is NOT ENOUGH. In my mind sometimes, ALOT OF TIMES I feel like you are just out and about and somehow I will be surprised when you get home, to tell me about your day, about stupid things, happy things, things that pissed you off, how tired you were how you didn't want to do your laundry. ( mooooooooooom could you just this time do it for me?????) and me I would give in cause you were my son and that's what mom's do.  
 ME TREVOR I have not only lost my son, a spirit I made, Who I would watch with amazement when you would move inside me, who I watched grow up, that I taught things to,  I not only lost my son, I was excited beyond belief to see and feel, kiss and touch when you were born. I have lost literally a piece of me, A HUGE chunk of me. TREEEEEVORRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO R. WHEN I SAY ME. I MEAN ME my being, It isn't that I don't feel for others but it is so very different for your mommy. I TREVOR OH GOD I hope you knew that I couldn't of loved any more if I tried. I still could love you any more if I tried its still there honey. I LOVE YOU.

LONG.... OUR MEDIUM CONNECTIONS

THIS POST IS PERSONAL AND SOMETHING SO TREASURED BUT TO READ THROUGH AGAIN IT AND SHARE BRINGS SO MANY THINGS TO LIGHT AND IS JUST SO TRUE AND MADE ME BELIEVE YOU WERE WITH ME, AROUND ME OR AT LEAST THEN IT WAS A STRONG CONNECTION. I DONT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE TREV, BUT MY NIGHT TIME SLEEP HAS MISSED YOU. I WISH IT WAS NIGHTLY I COULD SEE YOU, YOUR FACE, YUR SMILE, HEAR YOUR LAUGH FEEL YOUR HUGS. IT KILLS ME TO NOT HAVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU HERE WITH ME/US
Background story .......ONE OF OUR VERY BEST FRIENDS had this medium at her work for a group reading she was almost done and started to read Amy. This is what Amy sent to me.
Things in highlights is a truth connection or has or does happen.

So I set up a group Medium session yesterday for my Women’s Network at GE last night.  There was approximately 15 people in attendance.  She probably got to about 10 of us.  I did not expect her to get to me, in fact, I told her to not worry about me and to focus on all the others in the group session as I had set it up and didn’t want to take up time that could’ve went to another group member.  So she was there from 6 to 7:30ish.  It got to be 7:20 and I thought, well she’s not going to get to me, which is fine.  Then the last spirit energy came through…and here is what she said:

 

·         I’m getting a young male who has recently passed unexpectedly

·         She said he keeps telling me, “I just wanted to see what would happen.  I F’ed up.would have been something he would say  I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

·         She said he was showing her a long pill (Vicodin possibly(Xanax is a long white pill), she’s not a doctor) and 2 pink round pills (no clue what that means or what those are, but he kept showing them to her)( could be the generic of Xanax/Alprazolam)

·         She said it seemed as though he took something and on top of it the pills….and the pills are what put him into cardiac arrest ( he took Heroin and Pills)

·         She stated he coded twice….first time his chest hurt, breathing was heavy, but he wasn’t scared…he thought he’d be okay….then second time it occurred right after, he coded.  He wasn’t sure what was happening.

·         She said he’s a bit confused on the other side as to what’s happened

·         He keeps going back to his room, he’s asked you not to change anything in it yet…eventually, but not yet…he needs the constant right now( Have cleaned it but really Haven't changed it)

·         She mentioned a significance with spring/Easter?  She and I didn’t know what that meant???

S(She was talking about a chocolate bunny that I almost threw away, he had to have a solid bunny every year and hadn't eaten it all)

(

·         He was also showing her his mouth/teeth…..wasn’t sure what that meant either or what he was trying to show her???

·         She asked if he had a medium to bigger dog    that had passed/really hyper and full of energy. 

    I said yes, Hampton, and she said, know that he is with the dog.  I can see him playing and wrestling with him.  They are together.

·         She said he knows about the tree you planted,

     he showed it to her, and he knows of your necklace (I’m thinking the one you got with his fingerprint on it?)

·         He knows you lay in his bed and cry…he sees you; he keeps saying “I f’ed up….I didn’t know this would happen”

 

I wasn’t sure if I should share this with you.  I can’t even imagine how hard it is to read this.  It was hard for me to get this message, but I felt he used me to get a message to you and Pete.  This was the same Medium I saw after Rich’s mom passed.  She told me things no one else knew/could know. I just wanted to share what she told me….I felt I needed you to know what was said.

 

Love and XOXO’s

Me

_________________________________________________________________________________
We had Robynne Matusik ( she is a medium ) to our home on Sat the 19th of December. All morning I was anxious of what our visit would bring. She came in and I was nervous, so scared we would get nothing.  The doorbell rang and I got this feeling of OMG R U ready???? Please something just something to make sense. We came in I asked her where we should sit and if she needed a dim room ??? Light did it matter? She said where ever because she walks around alot, up and down in her seat so we sat at the dining room table. Very nice woman she explain her ethics to us and said she doesn't believe in charging if she doesn't make a legit connection that we feel is real and that she feels is genuine.  She stood up kind of closing her eyes, and trying to get a connection of some sort.
             Robynne = R
              Things in the ( ) highlighted is what I am saying or connecting with what she is saying, seeing or feeling
 
       She paced a few times and said "now I know I am hear to read and try and connect with your son. right?" We told her Yes.  She remembered that we were friends of Amy and Richie. She was with Amy when you came thru the first time to her group work reading. Then while with Richie she told him that your spirit was still strong in her. That is why I scheduled it as soon as possible I wanted to make it more apt to connect.
 
              She started .......
               R - I am seeing cross of some sort,
(We said Trevor wasn't religious at all) so she said just write and hold onto it.

R- I can pick up he had big brown eyes, he is being goofy, he's giddy and laughing....
( He had big brown eyes) 
 
R- He was a practical joker...... always smiling and with a cute smile.
( All the above)
 
R- Something with a blue shirt.................
(Yes he wore a blue shirt for his job at Mc Donalds)
 
R- Dimple on one of his cheeks.
(A small one)
 
R- Seeing or feeling something about a dentist????? We weren't sure ... A mouth guard maybe? she said 
(He had a retainer)
 
R- She sees Trevor mac and cheese and he hits a spoon and starts laughing.
(Ky recorded him making mac and cheese one day. He was goofing around and holding some old bananas and turned seriously to Kyle. Ky said WHAT R U DOING? and TREV answered MAKING FRENCH TOAST>>>> but he was making Mac and Cheese,  but he started laughing)
 
R- Birthday coming up?????
(January 4th is Kys and the 17th is Trevors)
 
R- Sees a brother of Pete's, Trev in a casket, the brother is standing there and the brother is taller than Pete.
( Pete's brother Kevin came with us the very first time we saw Trevor at the funeral home)
 
R- Asked Pete about a older brother? What is his name?
(Adam)
 
R- Did the other brother spend a lot of time with Trevor?
( Trevor was closer to Kevin than Adam and did spend more time with him)
 
R- Trev is showing her
he is sitting in a chair in a veg state, talk show on and zoned out at night.
( not sure what that meant?)
 
R- The number 8 she is seeing Trev showing her the number 8
(That is Kyle's sports number on his jerseys have always been that number)26 was Trev's

R- Feel Mom connected to Trev, but seems like I see something, like what????
(Don't know)
 
R- If Pete looks in the sky or up he trys to make a connection with Trev, but Pete is unsure just a odd coincidence
Not sure but pay attention to it in the future)
 
R- Pete thinks about Trev I am not sure if it is Trev or pete that is saying he is here...... She gets that Trev feels that Pete is afraid to grieve to let go.
 
R- She said Trev is saying you know I am here, but you as in me or pete need to put it together, not here and there but just together.
 
R- She mentions Fishing????? that Trev caught a fish, camping and maybe the fish was round but she isn't positive.
( He went fishing with Brayden and I think has caught but don't think it was a round shaped fish)
 
 
R-  mentions she reminds us of the night he did the pills the color and that what she calls coding as in heart stopping or breathing stopping.
She said Trev said he wasn't scared.
( same exact thing that she said to Amy in her reading)
 
R- She held our hands, she then mentions that he is showing her he is fucking around with pills and laughing.
Him saying I GOT IT TO PEOPLE. People would tell him all the time not to and he was always confident.
( He ALWAYs would say he had it no matter what it was that someone thought was not good for him or unsafe)
 
R- She said he was saying don't change it...... as we were in his room he said he's not ready and then she recognizes a sword and says that was the cross like symbol thing she was seeing at the beginning.
 
We walked past the bathroom
R- said she felt he did some things in there.
maybe hiding something in the bushes around his bedroom, or the sides of his walls along his bed
( don't know about those areas but definitely found things in his room after he died and I was going through things) Hid in cigarette packs and in a wallet
 
There was a heart that I made on his carpet...
R-  asked me if I made it?
(I told her yes)
R-  held a picture of him in a packer jersey wearing a Santa hat.

R-  said Trevor is saying he is so sorry to mom, he knows he hurt me so much
he's having a hard time facing dad almost like an embarrassment, that he represents Pete in a way but otherwise a good kid.
 
R-  said she felt he did it recreational, but it got out of hand. It was a part of his life, but he could still function.
There was a friend who said to watch it but Trev always said he knew what he was doing, he was good at controlling it he just took a little too much. More of one of the 2 types of something and there was a touch of something mixed so however he did it wasn't the normal and that is what caused it to happen.
( I read a text from manager of his telling him to be careful)
( NO FUCKING KIDDING)
R- Doesn't feel alcohol was involved but maybe a sip not a lot of it.
He wasn't aware that there was something else mixed with it, she is seeing a tiny like 3%
 
( we told her it was Xanax and Heroin)
We reminded her that when she read Amy she said how he coded
They found him in the morning
 
R- said he was calm that he actually left his body and watched
 
and then ended with not being clear about looking back and a table type plant
( I kept a couple plants but the only one that is lasted was one that my parents bought) 
 
There are ALOT of things in both sessions that connect with so much
 

Vacation Visit????

Wednesday May 18th, 2016

I thought of you daily, wished so much you were there with us all to enjoy the sun, to laugh, drink, be merry, make memories the way it was supposed to be. Wishing the whole time our life was turned back in time to being able to have you with us, to be 4 of us to have my boys together, to watch my 3 guys interact with each other and other people, horse around, tease, be guyish and just watch as you all loved each other's company.
We were in the pool in the afternoon, I had cried that morning missing you, just yearning for those days of happiness and fullness of having our family as one.
Your dad was to the left of me and Richie was to the right. All the sudden Richie brought it to my attention that there was a dragon fly on my shoulder. a small baby dragon fly, bright blue with bright yellow eyes. sitting on my skin, so light it was weightless and calm so still not scared of me.
I looked and watched waiting for it to take flight but it sat, and sat, and stayed without hesitation grabbed on to my finger as I brought my hand up to it. On to my finger it calmly climbed and I was able to watch as it sat on my finger for the longest time, not twitching , not moving, no it wasn't or didn't seem nervous. Tears immediately streamed down my face. I was unable to hold back the emotions connected with the interaction.
My baby, my Trev............was it you?????????? I want to believe it was, such a coincidence that you were in my emotions that morning. After sitting for a pretty lengthy time the small winged body went to my face and before I could fetch it from my face in a split second it was gone.
your presence was so felt, you were there to let me know you were there with us. Although it was an emotional experienced I felt a calm, a peace of sorts. I am grateful to have had those few moments with what could of been a sign from you, was you?????? Hoping it was all the above.

Thursday May 19th, 2016
We were waiting for our bus to go on our excursion for the day. The excursion consisted of zip lining, climbing Mayan ruins the only ones that are left to actually climb still, swimming in a cenote, visiting a Mayan village, Mayan village shopping with dinner and a Mayan show.
In my mind as we waited I thought to myself maybe I should zip line today, wouldn't it make YOU so proud you would smile so huge. A dragonfly sipped by me as my thoughts were busy with if I should. We traveled arrived and I decided YES today was the day I WAS GOING to DO IT. As I walked up the stairs of the tower I questioned my bravery................. I got strapped onto the cord, the man said ok lift your feet and legs up.................. In my mind I'm thinking to myself I am going to close my eyes and scream, I sat and off the man pushed. The whole time freaking out before I actually had my feet leave the platform. Surprisingly as soon as I lifted my legs I kept my eyes wide open, wasn't nervous, a calmness came over me and I watched my self fly over a huge body of water, high into the air, not crying, not closing my eyes, not screaming jut feeling my hair bow as the wind whipped thru it and I just held you so close to me, your memory, your smiles and the laugh you would of had when you hugged me and told me you were so proud of me.
After all the excitement and busy day we went to a restaurant and had dinner with a Mayan Show. Right before they served dinner on the chair kind of in back of me, but to the side of me was an EXACT SMALL BRIGHT BLUE, WITH BRIGHT YELLOW EYES BABY DRAGON FLY coincidence ???????????????? I have to say NO. IT WAS A SIGN FROM YOU........ I MISS YOU SO TERRIBLY BAD, THE PAIN TO THIS DAY IS EXCRUSITATING. MY HEART IS SO EXTREMEMLY BROKEN. I HATE THAT THIS IS MY REALITY, MY LIFE, MY EXISTANCE. I JUST WISH ITH ALL I AM THT YOU COULD BE BACK HERE.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day....... These pictures are what I have left from my last mothers day with my 2 children, 2 souls and lives I carried inside me, took care of, nurtured, taught, loved Unconditionally. Yet even though I tried my hardest to mother these men. I fell short by one of them. I was unable to teach well enough, I didn't reach the most inner part of one of them. He didn't hear me, he didn't worry, He didn't sway, He wasn't scared, he didn't think, he didn't worry, he never thought, his thoughts were he always had it all..............

This day was so happy, so fun to try and capture all these faces, moments in time I will NEVER be able to have again, NEVER be able to duplicate. My boys, my life. The 2 of you are never anything less than my world, my universe. I from the time I saw your faces for the 1st time till present you have been nothing less than the loves of my life. The ultimate happiness, the shine in my sun, the glue that holds my heart as a whole.

 

Faded Memory 4-29-2016

                                              Trev I KNOW I saw you and talked to you in my sleep last night. I can remember half waking up and knowing I needed to write it in my book, but fell back to sleep before actually getting up to get my book. I can only remember Gram Gen was in there and she was driving!!!! LOL DRIVING funny right? since she never had her license. I for the life of me can't remember what exact role you played. I just have the I know feeling you were there I JUST KNOW I TALKED AND SAW YOU, like no it clear but knew it was you, just so blurry now.
                                               Gram Gen Is she actually with you? R U with her? Who else is there? seeing her I wasnt even sad because your presence meant everything to me. I wish I could have clear visions like dreams all day long. see you move, talk, touch me, hug me, kiss me on the cheek like EVERYDAY................. It makes me so happy to hear you laugh, see your smile. I can't even describe how my heart just beats a million miles a hour, and then within second of realizing or waking I burst out into a full out sob.  I know I know why. I am beyond the mad at you part ( right now) don't know if it will come back at points. I am in the only mode I know how to be and that is MISSING YOU, WANTING YOU BACK, STILL WONDERING ,SAYING WHY TREVOR? I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE THAT THIS HAPPENED, HOW I DESPISE THAT YOUR GONE. Trev I don't even know sometimes what I feel. Nothing makes it better, no words, no hugs, no kisses, no prayers, no hoping, no memories, no nothing will even make this better. The ONLY and ONLY thing that would bounce me back would be to have you here with us. Since that will never happen. I will never be able to recover. I don't feel it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This sadness is so destructible, so very painful like a hard like a sharp rod impaling my chest.

306 DAYS 10 MOTHS AND 1 DAY

                             WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?????????????

THERE CAN'T AND WILL NOT EVER BE TOO MUCH OF OVER AND OVER. NEVER TOO MUCH OF HOW I LOVE YOU.  

THE EXTENT OF THE PAIN, MISSING YOU, AND THE LONG LOST DAYS LONGING TO HAVE YOU BACK ARE INDEFINATE TREVOR!!!!

MY MIND IN REALITY KNOWS YOU ARE GONE FOREVER AND CANT COME BACK, BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD ITS TOLD, MY HEART

CANNOT COMPREHEND.

Today marks another month, another 29th day that you are gone, that we miss you , that our hearts break on that continuous revolving wheel of time, horrendous pain and the never ending sadness.

I hadn't had a sleep vision ( what some call dreams ) since March 13th.  I was having so many and then all the sudden they were gone, gone from the usual nightly or few in a week. I WANTED YOU TO COME.... IS IT A VISITATION CAUSE IF SO I DESERVE ONE TREVOR. LISTEN TO ME, I WANT TO SEE YOU, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, SEE YOUR SMILE, HEAR YOU, I WANT IT ALL.

Yes I end up crying , sobbing breaking totally down every time, but I don't want them to stop.

I'm not forgetting you, I'm NOT mad at you HONEY, I am mad that you are not, here but I LOVE YOU. I want the slightest bit of you ANYTHING, ANYTHING I CAN HAVE.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE DON'T STOP COMING TO ME.

I woke this morning about 5:05am. As I lay there my mind races. I think about your baseball tourney. Will we be able to make it the success that the Campagna's and all your friends made it last year?

We want to be able to donate, donate TO CHARITIES in your name,  A TREVOR HOLMES SCHOLARSHIP to someone deserving.

 

Anyway I must of thought myself to sleep again. I realized after waking again at 5:45am that I did see you that you did come to me, that you talked to me, I talked to you. even though it wasn't a clear vision of your face it was your voice, your being that was talking back to me.
I dreamt that there was another puppy in our home....... I know your dad will choke me......lol I don't remember the whole thing but remember looking up ansd saying to you where did this some from????? It was another wire kennel folded down, as I knelt and was opening it I also noticed a carrier like a tiny dog would be carried in................ WTH anyway you replied to me FISH!!!!!, Meaning Micheal Kaifish you got it from Kaifish? I said and as you were getting ready to answer me I woke.  DAMMIT. I cried as soon as I realized it was you I saw you I heard you, I didn't have a clear vision like usual but it was you. The now recent time you come after I ask you ............... I have you and your gone just like that. NOT AGAIN, its like losing you over and over. Is it torture to want this? Is it stupid? I don't think so. Why do I want these visions, visits,
BECAUSE I MISS YOU LIKE THE OCEAN WOULD MISS THE WATER,
AND THE UNIVERSE WOULD MISS THE STARS.
I WISH IT WAS TRUE, I KNEW WE WERE AND I FELT IT.
 
I JUST MISS YOU, THERES NO DIFFERENT WAY TO SAY IT, TO KNOW IT TO FEEL IT. I HATE IT I HATE MISSING YOU, NOT HAVING YOU HEAR FOR ME TO LOOK AT IT, TO HUG AND KISS AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU. 

The closer it gets

          As vacation has gotten closer we have brought up the suitcases.  Obviously we cannot keep them in our room due to limited space from kennels for our horses.  I hope you don't mind we have taken over some of your room for our preparation.  On a everyday basis I go into your room its a struggle. Going in there to plan to go away for what is supposed to be a vacation with our children is overwhelmingly torturous.  I am grateful we are going with friends very close, great friends ( Richie and Amy  and Troy and Vanessa) I am also grateful that Ky can take a friend, but YOU should be his other half, YOU should be a part of it all.  We should be paying for YOU to go too. Your brother should be able to have laughs with YOU, to hangout with YOU. He should be able to hear all about YOUR escapades around the resort. We should be able to laugh at YOUR antics, YOUR humor, the stories we could tell when we get home of yYOUR special personality traits that make/ made YOU the original you are ( were ).
                  So many memories from our past vacations flood my mind.  So many happy times, but being happy about them in the past knowing there wont be anymore is something I can't bring myself to accept.  I HATE THAT I HAVE NO CHOICE AND HAVE TO LIVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People say I am strong, that I am being positive. I DONT FEEL it I feel like my world has crashed down around me and I am struggling to get that little bit of air thru a straw like opening.  Sucking trying to inhale enough oxygen as to not pass out.  My chest constantly feels like it has a huge boulder with a giant sitting on top of it, bouncing, with my heart just waiting for that one last bounce. My heart literally hurts, my head painful with pressure of so many memories horrendous visions overtaking every nerve in there. I WANT SO MUCH TO BE ABLE TO TRUELY SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY INSIDE. I smile and laugh.... but every minute I want it to be because you are here, because the nightmare is over, because we can see you, your face, your smile, your eyes, hear your laughs, your jokes.
                STRENGTH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS REALLY...... I DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER PARENTS GET ON WITH THE NEW ( as they say ) or DIFFERENT LIVES. I DON'T want a new life Trevor............ Sometimes I feel like I CAN"T live this life or the life I am supposed to be able to live. I am forced to open my eyes every morning, get out of bed to pay the bills.  I do know laying in bed isn't good for me and it does nothing to help me, but doesn't mean my whole being couldn't do it day after day. 
              Like I said Trevor, I know you would want me to have a good time on Vacation, I will dance, laugh, smile, but inside you will be there every second of my days looking into the sunny sky and my nights looking up into the stars.

 

NO MATTER HOW HIGH, WHAT SPACE, WHAT FORM,

YOU ARE....

I HOLD YOUR HEART SO TIGHT IN MINE, YOUR LOVE IN MY SOUL, AND YOUR MEMORIES

WITHIN MY MIND

FOREVER AND FOREVER.

LOVE YOUR MOM

XOXOXOXOX