I NEVER THOUGHT......................................

Trevor…………………

                IIIIIIII   NEVER............NEVER………….. In my lifetime did I think I could know maybe some of what pure torture is? WHAT IS MIGHT FEEL LIKE.

I NEVER thought my days could be so very dark.

I NEVER thought that my soul would be filled with so much sadness.

I NEVER thought that I could produce a never ending amount of tears.

I NEVER thought I could feel such an enormous void.

I NEVER thought I’d feel like someone has kicked me in the gut for weeks on end.

I NEVER have felt such a sickness in the pit of my stomach.

I NEVER thought I would feel an emptiness so great it consumes everything I AM

I NEVER thought I even had the capability to feel these worst emotions.

I NEVER thought I could experience trying to get thru days, hours, minutes and seconds without sir combing to just not going on.

I NEVER thought I would feel like I’m stuck in quicksand, sinking rapidly, literally finding it hard to draw the slightest bit of air.

I NEVER thought I would dread each morning knowing the feelings to follow

or to find it extremely difficult to even open my eyes or MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO GET UP.

I NEVER thought my mind could storm SO VIVID inside my head, with screams loud enough to break glass.

I NEVER thought your dad would have to weep harder than I have ever seen

I NEVER thought that I would ever see your brother drape his body over yours in a state of immense sadness and just weep UNCONTROLLABLY, because his big brother is gone and he is lost not knowing anything else.  

I NEVER EVER thought I would wake up one day to be what I thought was just another normal day when in fact………………. it would turn out to be THE WORT DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!

I NEVER, NEVER EVER thought I would be the mom to hear the most dreaded words a parent could possibly hear.

I NEVER thought I would have to hear “TREVOR IS DEAD”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEVER thought I’d see the day that I walk into a funeral room and see you laying on a steel table covered with a quilt, in a gown light enough to see the scars of the autopsy, to see the blood that leaked from where they injected you to prepare you for us to see you for the 1^st time since you lay dead in some shit hole.

I NEVER thought I would have to PLAN A FUNERAL, PICK OUT FLOWERS, and CLOTHES

GO INTO A ROOM AND CHOOSE A CASKET FOR YOU TO LIE IN, MAKE SURE YOUR MAKE UP……… YOUR FING MAKE UP AND HAIR WAS PERFECT. I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO LOOK BAD. OH YA YOU ARE DEAD…. HOW CAN THAT NOT LOOK BAD?????.

I NEVER thought HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WOULD COME TO YOUR FUNERAL TO SEE YOU TO SUPPORT US TO LOVE US.

I NEVER THOUGHT MY FIRST BORN WOULD BE GONE

GONE FROM DRUGS

FROM HEROIN/XANAX…. WHAT??????????????

HOW COULD THIS HAPPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?????????????????????????

 I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT 10 MONTHS OF MY LIFE COULD FLY BY SO QUICKLY BUT HAVE IT SEEM LIKE JUST YESTERDAY, THRU MOTIONLESS TIME THE DAYS KEEP ON GOING EVERYDAY BEING JSUT AS LOST AS THE LAST. I FEEL AN EXCRUCIATING PAIN DRILLED INTO MY HEART, THE HEART THAT WITH EACH BEAT PUMPS MORE AND MORE OLIFE UT AND SADNESS IN, THE GUT WRENCHING FEELING OF THAT ENORMOUS VOID, THE MIND THAT IS TAINTED BY THE CONSTANT HORRIBLE IMAGES I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO SEE IN MY LIFETIME

I FIND IT EXTREMEMLY DIFFICULT TO GO TO BED THINKING I MUST WAKE TO ANOTHER DAY OF YOU NOT BEING HERE.

THESE PAST 10 MONTHS HAVE BEEN SO EMOTIONAL, EMPTY, PAINFUL, EXHAUASTING, SLOW MOVING AND PLAIN DRANING, EVERY OUNCE BEING SUCKED FROM ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH OF THIS PAIN I CAN HANDLE.

I TRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SO VERY HARD TO SAY …..OK LET’S TRY TO DEAL BETTER, DEAL BETTER????????? WTF AM I SAYING, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHT THAT IS…………..

I TRY TO THINK MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS, REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ON OUR SIDE, SUPPORTING AND LOVING US, DOING ALL THEY CAN DO KNOWING THEY CANT REALLY DO ANYTHING.
I GO TO THERAPY AND TALK, BUT THE TALK SUBSIDES AND THE PAIN THAT CONSUMES ME TAKES OVER IN FULL FORCE.

 

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE LIVING A TRUE NIGHTMARE, HAVING YOU TAKEN FROM ME. STUPID CHOICES TREVOR.

WHY TREV???????????????????? OH MY GOD TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I MISS YOU TREVOR ...........

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXO

 

 

10 MONTHS

Trevor - Celtic- The Careful Traveler      
      Jason - Greek for The Healer

Tuesday January 17th 1995 10:30pm you were born
6lbs 3.5oz and 19.5 long
Going home Friday January 2nd 1995

January 23rd - 1st trip to the ER and admitted 1am for high bilirubin almost needing a blood transfusion.
(found out you have VSD Ventricular septic defect) - 6 holes in your heart.
went home Wednesday January 25th
30TH - Reg doc apt - gained 8oz

Feb -
7th -  shots
 17th - 1 MONTH OLD
21st - 1st Cardiologist visit
22nd - 1st smile
26th - ate cereal / spoon
28th - noticed your eyelashes and eye browns are getting darker

March-
8th - find your hands/recognize momma
9th - sleeps thru the night
10th doc apt - 11lbs 5oz / 21 1/2 long
12th - ate bananas
14th - turns toward sound
15th - 1st trip to zoo
17th - 2 MONTHS OLD - 1st pics taken
18th - 1st sST.PATTYS DAY
19th - special visitors NANCE AND AUD
21st - first trip to park
23rd - recognize daddy
24th - slept from 9pm - 7:30am
29th - creeps

April -
4th - 2nd set of shots
10th - doc appt
15th - reaches for objects
16th - 1st Easter
17th - 3 MONTHS OLD - 14 lbs 8 oz/24 long
19th - finds thumb
20th - 1st laugh out loud
30th - rolled over from tummy to back 3 times to the right
 
May -
3rd - your GONNA HAVE A BABY BROTHER....
8th a little cold went to doc
10th - 1st vegie ate carrots
13th - went to your first party
17th - 4 MONTHS OLD - 16lbs 11.7oz / 251/2 long
18th - rolls from back to front
23rd - CARDIOLOGIST ALL YOUR HOLES ARE HEALED......
24th - grabbing things
 
June -
1st - found you all the way around in your bed
3rd - Your christening
7th - started holding bottle
17th - 5 MONTHS OLD - 18lbs / 25 3/4long
19th - doc apt stomach flu
30th - Doctor - 1st ear infection
 
July -
1st - up on hands and knees going backwards - discovers toes
2nd - sits alone stable
4th - 1st 4th of JULY
13th - love bouncing forward and back on your knees - doc appt
14th - Sit without any assistance
15th - started 2nd foods
16th - Plums
17th - 6 MONTHS OLD - 18lbs 8oz / 27 long
19th - Pictures taken - 1st shoes
23rd - 1st birthday party
24th - moving in your walker
 
August -
1st - copy sounds we make
2nd - chicken vegie dinner
5th 1st company picnic
6th - full blown crawling
7th - drinks from regular cup real good
9th - don't like beets
10th - Doc apt/ shots you like cream spinach - 1st ice cream sandwich
16th - unassisted holding/using sippy cup
17th - 7 MONTHS OLD - 19lbs 14oz / 27long
                    pulling yourself up on me.
                      Copy funny faces
28th - started crawling
 
September -
1st - knows bang toys together to make noise10th - walking moving along furniture sometimes letting go
14th - feeding self
15th - stands alone
17th - 8 MONTHS OLD - 21lbs /27 1/2long
18th - starting to walk alone from thing to thing
23rd - 1st bruise from falling
26th- finally getting teeth bumps - NO TEETH YET
Sleeping 10hrs, barely spill when drinking, love great gram don applesauce
 
October -
1st - go from squatting to standing
13th - waves bye bye to self when mentioned
16th - open mouth kisses
17th - 9 MONTHS OLD - 21lbs /28long
20th - doc fluid in both ears
22nd - ate a whole graham cracker/love mac and cheese
23rd - 1st actual clear word dada
26th - first steps
28th - first real momma
29th - 1st trick or treat as a clown
30th - said baba
31th- walking 5 or so steps at times
you love crawling, finding things we ask for, play ball rolling back and forth, you hate chunky foods,
you love when we chase you saying gonna get you.... Where's Trevor? you find a mirror and look in it.
 
 
November -
                     *************10 MONTHS***************
1st - walks alone all over
4th - right ear infection
8th - crawls up stairs
14th - 1st lower tooth
17th 10 months old
21st right ear infection
23rd - 1st thanksgiving
will share your cup, nuk, bottle when asked, understand a lot of phrases, love playing on our bed, push your ball thru your tunnel and follow
 
TREVOR .......................... This is just a minuet amount of information that was in your first year calendar. I kept meticulous journaling in not one, but 3-3 books, scrapbook pages,  awards, Keeping track of shots, eating, sleeping, food, likes , dislikes, holidays, trips, birthdays, visitors, gifts from who and what they were, teeth, doc appt, weight, length, percentile on the charts, school awards, ribbons, homework, projects, pins, letters for you. ALL your MILESTONES What I wouldn't do to turn back the hands of time.  

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 


        

DEFINITIONS

                There is NO question what so ever that you are in my mind endlessly never missing a second, my soul and my heart FOREVER. Nothing can change the NEVER ending LOVE I have for YOU. Unfortunately nothing can be changed in what life we are living with you gone Trevor.   I realize even almost 9 months, 9 MONTHS later people still don't know what to say.  Some feel like they can't approach us because they don't want to upset us. Some people just are distant because we have stepped back with our initiation of contact. I know and I am sorry I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY EITHER. The uncomfortable moments, my pain and just plain sick, gut wrenching feeling of me not knowing how to answer " How are you/Pete/Ky?" How r we??????????" hm............... I want to say something upbeat and positive...............Really...`` I don't want to make people more uncomfortable to approach us, to have them avoid us to be Leary36 of conversation.  Do we just say, were ok........... pretty good......... eh........... as good as to be expected (usually that's a go to)................  better........  Better TREVOR, WHAT IS THAT NO, NO we aren't even close to that, we cant be. We don't have any choice, no possible way to change this life as we know it now, to know what that is.
 
HEALING...............Is a word we hear often.......NO .............that word is not right, it isn't a process of healing....
 
Definition of Healing:
 
1. To ease or relieve (emotional distress)
2. To be relieved or eliminated
3. To set right; repair
4. To recover from an illness or injury; return to health.
5. To restore to health or soundness; cure. CURE hmmmm
    Ultimately there is an END RESULT to a cure.
 
                     YES I have others to love me and I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE , but there IS NO END RESULT, NO relief to this horror, the pain like no other will not EVER lessen,  Images of your lifelessness body are NEVER going to be eliminated from our minds, my/our hearts will NEVER be whole, NO FIXING THIS TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO......... WITHIN THE REST OF MY DAYS I WILL FEEL THIS GUT WRENCHING, SICKNESS, I AM SO MAD THAT I HAVE TO HAVE THIS PAIN. IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. I LOVE YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR DAD WITH ALL I HAVE LEFT, BUT THIS AGONY WILL BE PRESENT TILL THE END OF MY EXISTANCE.
 
On the other hand there has to be something right???? Whatever that is. At this point I HAVE NO IDEA what, none what so ever.
FUNCTION................ I believe there is something called Function, Functioning. Is this our life now? I believe we are left to just function.
 
1. An activity or purpose natural to or intended for a person or thing
2. A relationship or expression involving one or more variables.
3. Work or operate in a proper or particular way
 
                       Learn to exist in a fashion that will get you thru days that will always be missing a enormous piece of A PART OF ME, MY BABY, THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME AND I HATE IT. I CAN'T SCREAM IT LOUD ENOUGH.
We will Work, Spend time with friends, Buy things, Go on Vacations, Breathe and Smile. I know this because this is what we are living now.
I truly do enjoy some of those things.  ALWAYS Intertwined is that constant heaviness, the feeling of having a void that will never be filled with what it is supposed to be filled with, THAT IS YOU TREVOR, YOU SHOULD BE HERE ,THERE SHOULD BE NO VOID.

Pained and Drained

                     
 

  Everyday since you died I have been lost in a world of dark days, days of just not wanting to go on, days I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall, mostly just painful, PAINFUL, EXTREME PAIN AND EXAUSTION.  It feels not only like MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN SLOW MOTION, but yet like June 29th has stood still, A PERMANENT SCENE FROM THE WORST HORROR MOVIE ANYBODY COULD SEE, A MOVIE YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO LIVE, A MOVIE LIKE NO OTHER, A MOVIE YOU CAN'T FATHOM TILL IT HAPPENS TO YOU, SLICES YOU OPEN SLOWLY, GRABS YOUR HEART TILL IT FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE,  RIPS IT FROM YOUR CHEST AS YOU WATCH IT EXPLODE INTO A MILION PIECES OR LIKE A DEMON IS SUCKING THE SOUL RIGHT FROM YOUR MOUTH AS YOUR BODY GOES LIMP.

I constantly repeat to others out loud, writing how much I MISS YOU and how I LOVE YOU TREV. I WILL NOT APPOLIGIZE FOR IT, THERE IS NEVER TOO OF TALKING ABOUT YOU, REMEMBERING YOU, UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS A OVERFLOWING AMOUNT OF TEARS. With that being said, can you imagine how many times I say it in my mind? I'll tell you IT IS EVERYDAY, EVERY SECOND I BREATHE, THE BEGINNING, THE MIDDLE AND THE END OF EACH BREATH IS LIKE PAIN FROM A HOT STEAM BURNING YOUR INSIDES OUT. I go on with my days, talk, do things, force myself to function, but all the while it is my mind that thinks, imagines, pictures, remembers, the day like it was yesterday. It's like a huge magnifying glass, the clearest glass possible. My pieces can never be repaired. I can have days that I am not hysterical, Days that we are distracted but the visions are there, I COULD NEVER KNOW HOW THIS FEELS!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS MY LIFE, I STILL CANT BEEEEEELIEEEEEEEEEEVE YOU ARE NOT HERE.
                        I truly try to have good days, but the darkness seems overshadow it all. It is just constant that I just want the crystal balls clouds to clear to change the life we are living.
I HATE THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE AND I HATE THAT IT'S REAL, AND MOST OF ALL
I HATE THAT I KNOW THAT ITS ALL THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE IS SO VERY TRUE, PRESENT, REAL.

LOTS OF WORST OF THE WORST DAYS

                                I dreamt last night and when I woke up it was different things I remembered. Unfortunately none of the dreams were with you, or of you. As I continued to get out of the grog, but not fully awake my mind wandered to visions of you. Visions I DONT WANT, visions of you that I NEVER in my life thought I would ever see. VISIONS I HATE, HATE, HATE. It was like I sunk right back to the day I found out you were dead. how I couldn't get a hold of you, my desperate texts never reaching you because WHY?????? You were DEAD, NOT BREATHING, GONE FROM THIS WORLD, GONE FROM MY LIFE, LAYING IN A MORGUE ON A COLD HARD GURNEY FOR HOURS AND HOURS BEFORE I WOULD EVEN KNOW YOU WERE GONE.   Ugly images of how you sitting in a chair when you were found. The chair you supposedly were the night before when the asshole left you there,  left alone to die, picturing you calling me as you possibly struggled to breathe, wondering what was in your mind, Did you even realize what was happening, what you had done, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????? I am reliving the hell of the days we weren't even able to see you because you were at the city morgue. The days that haunt my mind is where I was once again.  Nightmares of reality Swirling and echoing in my mind. All the while with a EAR PIERCING scream that never stops.
                                 Days continue to be torturous, I cry EVERYDAY, Not just once a day, not even 2ce, but sometimes I can't keep track. Besides out loud it is a ongoing cry within my self. I could SCREAM ALL DAY EVERYDAY, THROWING THINGS, SMASHING THINGS, HITTING ANYTHING IN MY PATH, BANGING MY HEAD till there is no sound. Guess what Trev........ The sound of NIGHTMARES/MY NOW LIFE NEVER STOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!
                               So I drag myself to get out of bed, sunny clear sky's and I am just dreading the day, we go on about our morning Laundry, vacuuming, tending to our little princess, all the while I have this lump in my throat the size of cantaloupe cutting off air. Wanting to just lose my mind, like a mental case just destroying everything around me. I retreat to my scrapbooking room. Maybe if I work on getting stuff ready for my crop it will keep something else in my mind so it isn't consumed with the hellish thoughts. YEA RIGHT! I don't know why I think I can fool myself. I CAN'T, IT WON'T HAPPEN, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE..............................................
                         I stand there for seconds before I start to stare at the pictures I have displayed. I feel it, without any effort the tears start to stream down my cheeks, my nose is stuffy and I'm sniffling within seconds. I try to talk myself into not being so upset, treasure the pictures, admire your handsome face, remember your humor, how you were loved by so many, how you accomplished so much in your short life, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!!!! make it stop. I am stranded on this island pictured like a abandoned town, empty bare trees, black and stormy, there is nothing in sight. I cry harder, but stifle the sound by keeping my sobs or trying to keep them quiet. I am to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing, my shirt soaked from the waterfall of tears. I CAN'T do it I CAN'T control myself. I am crying so hard I half choke just breathing in to try and catch a breath.
                         Your dad comes in behind me to find me with my head down, my posture feeling like its falling and my hands over my mouth. Even with my hands I couldn't quiet the whimpers that would be blood curdling if uncovered. I turn and fall into him, he just holds me as I cry so loud, Trev so out of control. I am wrapping my arms around him so 1 I don't fall and 2 to TRY to comfort him.  He cups my head to his chest and hugs me so tight trying to comfort me as I feel him cry. I want so bad to help him as he does me, but THERE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING TREV, NOTHING we can do for each other to take any of the pain away, our hearts so broken, breathing in what feels like shards of glass. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JUUUUUUST WANT HIM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cry to your dad. He knows this and he feels it too, I know, I know he says, but all he can say is WE DON'T get that option because you (Trev) made a stupid decision.
                    Your dad makes me take a break and I move from the scrapbook room to one of the couches I the front living room. I CAN NOT STOP, I CANNOT STOP THE TEARS AND PAIN. I CAN'T  stop the tears, the whimpers, the breaths I can't catch. It's like a racing train at full speed. Rhea comes in and she knows, all I can do is lay hugging her and crying.
         I KNOW YOU CAN'T COME HOME, I KNOW THIS BUT I WANT IT SO TERRIBLY BAD. I HATE THIS LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT US. DAMMIT, DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP THE THOUGHTS, THE IMAGES, THE PAIN THE MISSING YOU, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PRESENT AND IS FOREVER. I LOVE YOU TREEEEEVOR! I JUST LOVE YOU..................

Bits and Pieces

                                  This morning 5:14am I woke up to Dad coming back into the room before he went to work. I laid for a minute or two before I realized I had a dream with you in it.  It was not with you but of you. At that moment I said to myself..................."I will take it! It is a day before the last dream I had. so 1 day less than a month. That is the longest I have went without a dream. I have been badgering you every time I go into your room one of the things I have been crying to you about is not having a dream for along time. I ask you to please come visit me. I miss you so very much and when I dream of you. At least I get to sometimes touch you, talk to you, but most important just see you, your face, your moving parts, breathing ALIVE. OH HOW I WISH THAT COULD BE MY LIFE....
                                   I don't remember too much but what I do remember is that you seemed to be at a job place of some sort and you had called me to see if someone could pick you up to take you to Menominee Falls. You were in Waukesha Falls (which is not a place, Its just Waukesha don't know why you would say that) I don't like to go to unchartered territory and so I asked your Dad if he could go get you. I explained why and when he said no I was shocked.  He was very adamant that he was not going to go. I kept explaining to him how it was for your job and you had to get there for a meeting cause everyone was meeting there.  He was still firm on his answer. I went to Ky's room, he was laying on his bed and I said " and I guess you wont go either" and he just shook his head in a no motion. I wasn't going to let you down, be stranded, have you possibly lose your job. (I could so see that come ooooooon mooooooom face you used to give me) So I started to get ready and Dad said" "what are you doing?" Me "I am going to go and take Trev to his meeting". Your (Dad looked at me like come on Dawn..................) He said " He needs to do this, you can't bail him out of things forever".  I was like WHAT? He said" He needs to be a big boy and find his own way. Let him call a friend, but it is his responsibility". I don't remember anything after that but faintly I remember you were very disappointed because the answer was no. I think in the back of my mind I knew your dad was right, but what was just one more time.......................
                                  
                        *****With all this I try to understand why I dream what I dream or see a meaning in it.
                            I am pretty sure you worked in Menominee Falls with your friend Nick for awhile for AT & T. ( You were always so jacked up about that job at first because you made good sales and made a lot of money) So that would make sense. The not wanting you to have to worry or be stranded, well I am your mom and I am supposed to catch you when you fall and SAVE you and I felt I was just doing my job.  I didn't want to let you down.
                             I now think that the connection could be that for a bit before you died you would come to me a lot for small amounts of money. You were always going out bowling, and eating out etc) So you would always be broke as you would say. You would come to me for 5 dollars, but you would say or ill take anything you can spare mooooooooom......Most times you were just happy to get anything. How could I say no to those big brown eyes with that sad help me out PLEEEEEASE mom face. I would usually have at least ten. I would say " you know...................... your dad wouldn't give you any and be mad if he knew I was giving you money cause you need to budget better" I don't know why I would say it like it was going to be a secret cause I would always end u telling him anyways. Your Dad would just give me a ohhhhhh "OH MOMMY......  I NEEEEEEEED and you WILL GIVE IN TO ME look! I would always try so hard and in my mind I would say to myself "no I'm not gonna do it anymore" ( whatever it was gonna be) but I would always give in............
                                At this point I wish I would of said no to you at least in the month or so previous to you dying. I wish I would of stood my ground and said no. You came to me a lot and now knowing that you were doing this, OH GOD I wish I would of been more observant less trusting of you ( but why should I have been? You were always honest with us. If we asked something you would just tell us. You were never worried or scared because you knew we were always there no matter what). 
                      With a huge lump in my throat and the tears flowing. I think to myself all the time.........If we just would of asked maybe that would of been a honesty answer. I should of knew after all the things I have read, shows I have watched,  learning about symptoms, signs. I should of seen something I should of been stronger.
              I SHOULD OF NEVER STARTED TO GIVE YOU MONEY, ALL THOSE TIMES.......... WAS I FEEDING THE GROWING ADDICTION TO COME????( I DONT KNOW ) BUT IT COULD OF BEEN????? MOST LIKELY WAS FOR DRUGS............ GOD TREVOR WHY IF IT WAS THE CASE DID YOU LIE TO ME?????? OR DECEIVE ME?????? YOU WEREN'T THAT WAY.............. I SHOULD OF NEVER, NEVER GIVEN YOU MONEY AT ALL.
          MY MONEY, SOME OF THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU COULD THAT HAVE BEEN MONEY THAT BOUGHT YOU THOSE DRUGS FOR AWHILE GETTING YOU MORE HOOKED, THE DRUGS, THE LAST DRUGS YOU BOUGHT, THE DRUGS THAT KILLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
             I AM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LET YOU DOWN. I DID............ I WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO CATCH IT. I TRUSTED YOU TOO MUCH.  I JUST WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW, (WHICH NOBODY BUT YOU CAN EVER KNOW, NOBODY CAN SAY FOR SURE" NO DAWN IT WASNT YOUR MONEY. THEY CAN'T SAY IT PROBABLY WASN'T YOUR MONEY. NO THEY CAN'T CAUSE IT VERY WELL MIGHT OF BEEN. I JUST DONT KNOW, BUT I JUST WISH I WOULD OF NEVER STARTED GIVING YOU MONEY IN YOUR TIMES OF NEED, EVEN IF IT WAS FOR GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO "EAT????".
JUST BEING A MOM IS ALL I THOUGHT I WAS DOING..................
                     IIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MUCH IT HURTS ME SO EXTREMELY HARD THE PAIN IS SO EMMENSE THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE. FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TREVOR WHYYYYYYYYY????????????
 PLEASE KNOW I JUST LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.....I tried to teach you all I could to prepare you to give you the best knowledge. IF IN FACT I GAVE YOU THE MONEY THAT BOUGHT THE EVIL THAT KILLED YOU, I AM SO SORRY HONEY.
I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU XOXOXO

219

              I sit here in my recliner Rhea in between my legs snoring away. I type these words in my ongoing hazy mind. Days have gone by, some faster than others and then some in the slowest of motions, yet the TIME has stood still in my heart, The heart that IS a muscle in my chest that strains to pump enough blood to allow my lungs to inflate. The excruciating pain is NEVER not felt.  Even though I function enough to push forward, all the while I seem to watch the world go on around me. Yes I get up in the morning, ONLY because we have bills to pay, If I could I would so just lay motionless where ever I could in one spot and think of every second I was able to have you, TRY TO REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE thing we did when you were little, what you have ever said to me, what things you liked to eat, your favorite toys, every time you sassed back, every time you made or gave me a card,  think about the breakfasts you brought to me in bed, Remember every time you ever were hurt and needed me to hold you. I was able to kiss it and make it better.
                ALL THOSE TIMES I WAS ABLE TO KISS YOUR CHEEK, FINGER, TOE, WHATEVER IT WAS ................................... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT IT, BUT HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO IT AGAIN.  I JUST WANT THAT ONE CHANCE ,THAT MOST IMPORTANT CHANCE TO FIX, TO SAVE YOU.
                I cry myself to sleep so often that Monday should of been nothing new.  I didn't want to keep your dad awake so I moved out of the bedroom. My plan was to just lay on the couch, but I cried harder and harder and didn't want your dad to be disturbed. I ended up in your room, my - you place.
I cried so hard and so long laying I the pitch black, I just covered myself with the quilt of your shirts and held your pillow with my face buried in it trying to muffle the sound. I eventually fell asleep and it was 5am the next morning when Dad got me up.
                  Yesterday as I knelt in front of your dad as he sat in his recliner my head on his chest. I cried so out loud, and sobbed. He rubbed my head and back in between wiping the tears from his own eyes.  He tells me all the time he wishes he could fix this for me to do something to help me. Nothing Trevor NOTHING is happening. EVERY DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY Trev I just want this to be a nightmare and I just want to be able to WAKE UP. We have worked, gone out to parties, out to eat, shopping, planning on our vacation, but everyday my heart is as fresh as June 29th. 
                 We still don't have your phone as the district attorney wont allow it to be released until after the pre trial and possibly as long as the trial.  After 6mo Dad canceled your service and I forgot. I call your phone a lot and I  called yesterday not thinking. Waiting patiently to feel the sound of your voice but instead the automated its not in service message. I immediately had this sunken feeling like being kicked in the gut. and just put my head in my hands and lost it. ITS BEEN 219 DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU PAST THE END SOF THE EARTH. MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN, I WOULD CUT OFF MY ARM AND IT WOULDNT EVEN START TO FEEL MY PAIN.