219

              I sit here in my recliner Rhea in between my legs snoring away. I type these words in my ongoing hazy mind. Days have gone by, some faster than others and then some in the slowest of motions, yet the TIME has stood still in my heart, The heart that IS a muscle in my chest that strains to pump enough blood to allow my lungs to inflate. The excruciating pain is NEVER not felt.  Even though I function enough to push forward, all the while I seem to watch the world go on around me. Yes I get up in the morning, ONLY because we have bills to pay, If I could I would so just lay motionless where ever I could in one spot and think of every second I was able to have you, TRY TO REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE thing we did when you were little, what you have ever said to me, what things you liked to eat, your favorite toys, every time you sassed back, every time you made or gave me a card,  think about the breakfasts you brought to me in bed, Remember every time you ever were hurt and needed me to hold you. I was able to kiss it and make it better.
                ALL THOSE TIMES I WAS ABLE TO KISS YOUR CHEEK, FINGER, TOE, WHATEVER IT WAS ................................... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT IT, BUT HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO IT AGAIN.  I JUST WANT THAT ONE CHANCE ,THAT MOST IMPORTANT CHANCE TO FIX, TO SAVE YOU.
                I cry myself to sleep so often that Monday should of been nothing new.  I didn't want to keep your dad awake so I moved out of the bedroom. My plan was to just lay on the couch, but I cried harder and harder and didn't want your dad to be disturbed. I ended up in your room, my - you place.
I cried so hard and so long laying I the pitch black, I just covered myself with the quilt of your shirts and held your pillow with my face buried in it trying to muffle the sound. I eventually fell asleep and it was 5am the next morning when Dad got me up.
                  Yesterday as I knelt in front of your dad as he sat in his recliner my head on his chest. I cried so out loud, and sobbed. He rubbed my head and back in between wiping the tears from his own eyes.  He tells me all the time he wishes he could fix this for me to do something to help me. Nothing Trevor NOTHING is happening. EVERY DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY Trev I just want this to be a nightmare and I just want to be able to WAKE UP. We have worked, gone out to parties, out to eat, shopping, planning on our vacation, but everyday my heart is as fresh as June 29th. 
                 We still don't have your phone as the district attorney wont allow it to be released until after the pre trial and possibly as long as the trial.  After 6mo Dad canceled your service and I forgot. I call your phone a lot and I  called yesterday not thinking. Waiting patiently to feel the sound of your voice but instead the automated its not in service message. I immediately had this sunken feeling like being kicked in the gut. and just put my head in my hands and lost it. ITS BEEN 219 DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU PAST THE END SOF THE EARTH. MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN, I WOULD CUT OFF MY ARM AND IT WOULDNT EVEN START TO FEEL MY PAIN.