I NEVER THOUGHT......................................

Trevor…………………

                IIIIIIII   NEVER............NEVER………….. In my lifetime did I think I could know maybe some of what pure torture is? WHAT IS MIGHT FEEL LIKE.

I NEVER thought my days could be so very dark.

I NEVER thought that my soul would be filled with so much sadness.

I NEVER thought that I could produce a never ending amount of tears.

I NEVER thought I could feel such an enormous void.

I NEVER thought I’d feel like someone has kicked me in the gut for weeks on end.

I NEVER have felt such a sickness in the pit of my stomach.

I NEVER thought I would feel an emptiness so great it consumes everything I AM

I NEVER thought I even had the capability to feel these worst emotions.

I NEVER thought I could experience trying to get thru days, hours, minutes and seconds without sir combing to just not going on.

I NEVER thought I would feel like I’m stuck in quicksand, sinking rapidly, literally finding it hard to draw the slightest bit of air.

I NEVER thought I would dread each morning knowing the feelings to follow

or to find it extremely difficult to even open my eyes or MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO GET UP.

I NEVER thought my mind could storm SO VIVID inside my head, with screams loud enough to break glass.

I NEVER thought your dad would have to weep harder than I have ever seen

I NEVER thought that I would ever see your brother drape his body over yours in a state of immense sadness and just weep UNCONTROLLABLY, because his big brother is gone and he is lost not knowing anything else.  

I NEVER EVER thought I would wake up one day to be what I thought was just another normal day when in fact………………. it would turn out to be THE WORT DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!

I NEVER, NEVER EVER thought I would be the mom to hear the most dreaded words a parent could possibly hear.

I NEVER thought I would have to hear “TREVOR IS DEAD”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEVER thought I’d see the day that I walk into a funeral room and see you laying on a steel table covered with a quilt, in a gown light enough to see the scars of the autopsy, to see the blood that leaked from where they injected you to prepare you for us to see you for the 1^st time since you lay dead in some shit hole.

I NEVER thought I would have to PLAN A FUNERAL, PICK OUT FLOWERS, and CLOTHES

GO INTO A ROOM AND CHOOSE A CASKET FOR YOU TO LIE IN, MAKE SURE YOUR MAKE UP……… YOUR FING MAKE UP AND HAIR WAS PERFECT. I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO LOOK BAD. OH YA YOU ARE DEAD…. HOW CAN THAT NOT LOOK BAD?????.

I NEVER thought HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WOULD COME TO YOUR FUNERAL TO SEE YOU TO SUPPORT US TO LOVE US.

I NEVER THOUGHT MY FIRST BORN WOULD BE GONE

GONE FROM DRUGS

FROM HEROIN/XANAX…. WHAT??????????????

HOW COULD THIS HAPPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNN?????????????????????????

 I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT 10 MONTHS OF MY LIFE COULD FLY BY SO QUICKLY BUT HAVE IT SEEM LIKE JUST YESTERDAY, THRU MOTIONLESS TIME THE DAYS KEEP ON GOING EVERYDAY BEING JSUT AS LOST AS THE LAST. I FEEL AN EXCRUCIATING PAIN DRILLED INTO MY HEART, THE HEART THAT WITH EACH BEAT PUMPS MORE AND MORE OLIFE UT AND SADNESS IN, THE GUT WRENCHING FEELING OF THAT ENORMOUS VOID, THE MIND THAT IS TAINTED BY THE CONSTANT HORRIBLE IMAGES I THOUGHT I WOULD EVER HAVE TO SEE IN MY LIFETIME

I FIND IT EXTREMEMLY DIFFICULT TO GO TO BED THINKING I MUST WAKE TO ANOTHER DAY OF YOU NOT BEING HERE.

THESE PAST 10 MONTHS HAVE BEEN SO EMOTIONAL, EMPTY, PAINFUL, EXHAUASTING, SLOW MOVING AND PLAIN DRANING, EVERY OUNCE BEING SUCKED FROM ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH OF THIS PAIN I CAN HANDLE.

I TRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SO VERY HARD TO SAY …..OK LET’S TRY TO DEAL BETTER, DEAL BETTER????????? WTF AM I SAYING, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHT THAT IS…………..

I TRY TO THINK MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS, REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ON OUR SIDE, SUPPORTING AND LOVING US, DOING ALL THEY CAN DO KNOWING THEY CANT REALLY DO ANYTHING.
I GO TO THERAPY AND TALK, BUT THE TALK SUBSIDES AND THE PAIN THAT CONSUMES ME TAKES OVER IN FULL FORCE.

 

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE LIVING A TRUE NIGHTMARE, HAVING YOU TAKEN FROM ME. STUPID CHOICES TREVOR.

WHY TREV???????????????????? OH MY GOD TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I MISS YOU TREVOR ...........

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXO