This morning 5:14am I woke up to Dad coming back into the room before he went to work. I laid for a minute or two before I realized I had a dream with you in it. It was not with you but of you. At that moment I said to myself..................."I will take it! It is a day before the last dream I had. so 1 day less than a month. That is the longest I have went without a dream. I have been badgering you every time I go into your room one of the things I have been crying to you about is not having a dream for along time. I ask you to please come visit me. I miss you so very much and when I dream of you. At least I get to sometimes touch you, talk to you, but most important just see you, your face, your moving parts, breathing ALIVE. OH HOW I WISH THAT COULD BE MY LIFE....
I don't remember too much but what I do remember is that you seemed to be at a job place of some sort and you had called me to see if someone could pick you up to take you to Menominee Falls. You were in Waukesha Falls (which is not a place, Its just Waukesha don't know why you would say that) I don't like to go to unchartered territory and so I asked your Dad if he could go get you. I explained why and when he said no I was shocked. He was very adamant that he was not going to go. I kept explaining to him how it was for your job and you had to get there for a meeting cause everyone was meeting there. He was still firm on his answer. I went to Ky's room, he was laying on his bed and I said " and I guess you wont go either" and he just shook his head in a no motion. I wasn't going to let you down, be stranded, have you possibly lose your job. (I could so see that come ooooooon mooooooom face you used to give me) So I started to get ready and Dad said" "what are you doing?" Me "I am going to go and take Trev to his meeting". Your (Dad looked at me like come on Dawn..................) He said " He needs to do this, you can't bail him out of things forever". I was like WHAT? He said" He needs to be a big boy and find his own way. Let him call a friend, but it is his responsibility". I don't remember anything after that but faintly I remember you were very disappointed because the answer was no. I think in the back of my mind I knew your dad was right, but what was just one more time.......................
*****With all this I try to understand why I dream what I dream or see a meaning in it.
I am pretty sure you worked in Menominee Falls with your friend Nick for awhile for AT & T. ( You were always so jacked up about that job at first because you made good sales and made a lot of money) So that would make sense. The not wanting you to have to worry or be stranded, well I am your mom and I am supposed to catch you when you fall and SAVE you and I felt I was just doing my job. I didn't want to let you down.
I now think that the connection could be that for a bit before you died you would come to me a lot for small amounts of money. You were always going out bowling, and eating out etc) So you would always be broke as you would say. You would come to me for 5 dollars, but you would say or ill take anything you can spare mooooooooom......Most times you were just happy to get anything. How could I say no to those big brown eyes with that sad help me out PLEEEEEASE mom face. I would usually have at least ten. I would say " you know...................... your dad wouldn't give you any and be mad if he knew I was giving you money cause you need to budget better" I don't know why I would say it like it was going to be a secret cause I would always end u telling him anyways. Your Dad would just give me a ohhhhhh "OH MOMMY...... I NEEEEEEEED and you WILL GIVE IN TO ME look! I would always try so hard and in my mind I would say to myself "no I'm not gonna do it anymore" ( whatever it was gonna be) but I would always give in............
At this point I wish I would of said no to you at least in the month or so previous to you dying. I wish I would of stood my ground and said no. You came to me a lot and now knowing that you were doing this, OH GOD I wish I would of been more observant less trusting of you ( but why should I have been? You were always honest with us. If we asked something you would just tell us. You were never worried or scared because you knew we were always there no matter what).
With a huge lump in my throat and the tears flowing. I think to myself all the time.........If we just would of asked maybe that would of been a honesty answer. I should of knew after all the things I have read, shows I have watched, learning about symptoms, signs. I should of seen something I should of been stronger.
I SHOULD OF NEVER STARTED TO GIVE YOU MONEY, ALL THOSE TIMES.......... WAS I FEEDING THE GROWING ADDICTION TO COME????( I DONT KNOW ) BUT IT COULD OF BEEN????? MOST LIKELY WAS FOR DRUGS............ GOD TREVOR WHY IF IT WAS THE CASE DID YOU LIE TO ME?????? OR DECEIVE ME?????? YOU WEREN'T THAT WAY.............. I SHOULD OF NEVER, NEVER GIVEN YOU MONEY AT ALL.
MY MONEY, SOME OF THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU COULD THAT HAVE BEEN MONEY THAT BOUGHT YOU THOSE DRUGS FOR AWHILE GETTING YOU MORE HOOKED, THE DRUGS, THE LAST DRUGS YOU BOUGHT, THE DRUGS THAT KILLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LET YOU DOWN. I DID............ I WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO CATCH IT. I TRUSTED YOU TOO MUCH. I JUST WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW, (WHICH NOBODY BUT YOU CAN EVER KNOW, NOBODY CAN SAY FOR SURE" NO DAWN IT WASNT YOUR MONEY. THEY CAN'T SAY IT PROBABLY WASN'T YOUR MONEY. NO THEY CAN'T CAUSE IT VERY WELL MIGHT OF BEEN. I JUST DONT KNOW, BUT I JUST WISH I WOULD OF NEVER STARTED GIVING YOU MONEY IN YOUR TIMES OF NEED, EVEN IF IT WAS FOR GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO "EAT????".
JUST BEING A MOM IS ALL I THOUGHT I WAS DOING..................
IIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MUCH IT HURTS ME SO EXTREMELY HARD THE PAIN IS SO EMMENSE THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE. FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TREVOR WHYYYYYYYYY????????????
PLEASE KNOW I JUST LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.....I tried to teach you all I could to prepare you to give you the best knowledge. IF IN FACT I GAVE YOU THE MONEY THAT BOUGHT THE EVIL THAT KILLED YOU, I AM SO SORRY HONEY.
I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU XOXOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment