Everyday since you died I have been lost in a world of dark days, days of just not wanting to go on, days I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall, mostly just painful, PAINFUL, EXTREME PAIN AND EXAUSTION. It feels not only like MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN SLOW MOTION, but yet like June 29th has stood still, A PERMANENT SCENE FROM THE WORST HORROR MOVIE ANYBODY COULD SEE, A MOVIE YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO LIVE, A MOVIE LIKE NO OTHER, A MOVIE YOU CAN'T FATHOM TILL IT HAPPENS TO YOU, SLICES YOU OPEN SLOWLY, GRABS YOUR HEART TILL IT FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE, RIPS IT FROM YOUR CHEST AS YOU WATCH IT EXPLODE INTO A MILION PIECES OR LIKE A DEMON IS SUCKING THE SOUL RIGHT FROM YOUR MOUTH AS YOUR BODY GOES LIMP.
I constantly repeat to others out loud, writing how much I MISS YOU and how I LOVE YOU TREV. I WILL NOT APPOLIGIZE FOR IT, THERE IS NEVER TOO OF TALKING ABOUT YOU, REMEMBERING YOU, UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS A OVERFLOWING AMOUNT OF TEARS. With that being said, can you imagine how many times I say it in my mind? I'll tell you IT IS EVERYDAY, EVERY SECOND I BREATHE, THE BEGINNING, THE MIDDLE AND THE END OF EACH BREATH IS LIKE PAIN FROM A HOT STEAM BURNING YOUR INSIDES OUT. I go on with my days, talk, do things, force myself to function, but all the while it is my mind that thinks, imagines, pictures, remembers, the day like it was yesterday. It's like a huge magnifying glass, the clearest glass possible. My pieces can never be repaired. I can have days that I am not hysterical, Days that we are distracted but the visions are there, I COULD NEVER KNOW HOW THIS FEELS!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS MY LIFE, I STILL CANT BEEEEEELIEEEEEEEEEEVE YOU ARE NOT HERE.
I truly try to have good days, but the darkness seems overshadow it all. It is just constant that I just want the crystal balls clouds to clear to change the life we are living.
I HATE THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE AND I HATE THAT IT'S REAL, AND MOST OF ALL
I HATE THAT I KNOW THAT ITS ALL THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE IS SO VERY TRUE, PRESENT, REAL.
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