LOTS OF WORST OF THE WORST DAYS

                                I dreamt last night and when I woke up it was different things I remembered. Unfortunately none of the dreams were with you, or of you. As I continued to get out of the grog, but not fully awake my mind wandered to visions of you. Visions I DONT WANT, visions of you that I NEVER in my life thought I would ever see. VISIONS I HATE, HATE, HATE. It was like I sunk right back to the day I found out you were dead. how I couldn't get a hold of you, my desperate texts never reaching you because WHY?????? You were DEAD, NOT BREATHING, GONE FROM THIS WORLD, GONE FROM MY LIFE, LAYING IN A MORGUE ON A COLD HARD GURNEY FOR HOURS AND HOURS BEFORE I WOULD EVEN KNOW YOU WERE GONE.   Ugly images of how you sitting in a chair when you were found. The chair you supposedly were the night before when the asshole left you there,  left alone to die, picturing you calling me as you possibly struggled to breathe, wondering what was in your mind, Did you even realize what was happening, what you had done, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????? I am reliving the hell of the days we weren't even able to see you because you were at the city morgue. The days that haunt my mind is where I was once again.  Nightmares of reality Swirling and echoing in my mind. All the while with a EAR PIERCING scream that never stops.
                                 Days continue to be torturous, I cry EVERYDAY, Not just once a day, not even 2ce, but sometimes I can't keep track. Besides out loud it is a ongoing cry within my self. I could SCREAM ALL DAY EVERYDAY, THROWING THINGS, SMASHING THINGS, HITTING ANYTHING IN MY PATH, BANGING MY HEAD till there is no sound. Guess what Trev........ The sound of NIGHTMARES/MY NOW LIFE NEVER STOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!
                               So I drag myself to get out of bed, sunny clear sky's and I am just dreading the day, we go on about our morning Laundry, vacuuming, tending to our little princess, all the while I have this lump in my throat the size of cantaloupe cutting off air. Wanting to just lose my mind, like a mental case just destroying everything around me. I retreat to my scrapbooking room. Maybe if I work on getting stuff ready for my crop it will keep something else in my mind so it isn't consumed with the hellish thoughts. YEA RIGHT! I don't know why I think I can fool myself. I CAN'T, IT WON'T HAPPEN, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE..............................................
                         I stand there for seconds before I start to stare at the pictures I have displayed. I feel it, without any effort the tears start to stream down my cheeks, my nose is stuffy and I'm sniffling within seconds. I try to talk myself into not being so upset, treasure the pictures, admire your handsome face, remember your humor, how you were loved by so many, how you accomplished so much in your short life, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!!!! make it stop. I am stranded on this island pictured like a abandoned town, empty bare trees, black and stormy, there is nothing in sight. I cry harder, but stifle the sound by keeping my sobs or trying to keep them quiet. I am to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing, my shirt soaked from the waterfall of tears. I CAN'T do it I CAN'T control myself. I am crying so hard I half choke just breathing in to try and catch a breath.
                         Your dad comes in behind me to find me with my head down, my posture feeling like its falling and my hands over my mouth. Even with my hands I couldn't quiet the whimpers that would be blood curdling if uncovered. I turn and fall into him, he just holds me as I cry so loud, Trev so out of control. I am wrapping my arms around him so 1 I don't fall and 2 to TRY to comfort him.  He cups my head to his chest and hugs me so tight trying to comfort me as I feel him cry. I want so bad to help him as he does me, but THERE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING TREV, NOTHING we can do for each other to take any of the pain away, our hearts so broken, breathing in what feels like shards of glass. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JUUUUUUST WANT HIM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cry to your dad. He knows this and he feels it too, I know, I know he says, but all he can say is WE DON'T get that option because you (Trev) made a stupid decision.
                    Your dad makes me take a break and I move from the scrapbook room to one of the couches I the front living room. I CAN NOT STOP, I CANNOT STOP THE TEARS AND PAIN. I CAN'T  stop the tears, the whimpers, the breaths I can't catch. It's like a racing train at full speed. Rhea comes in and she knows, all I can do is lay hugging her and crying.
         I KNOW YOU CAN'T COME HOME, I KNOW THIS BUT I WANT IT SO TERRIBLY BAD. I HATE THIS LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT US. DAMMIT, DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP THE THOUGHTS, THE IMAGES, THE PAIN THE MISSING YOU, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PRESENT AND IS FOREVER. I LOVE YOU TREEEEEVOR! I JUST LOVE YOU..................