21 IS GONE

            June 29th the day my world came CRASHING down around me like being BURIED ALIVE, SUFFICATING, GASPING FOR ANY PIECE OF AIR, feeling the earth enclosing my whole being.  Since the that day a huge part of me died days have been full of extreme pain. A pain I never was able to understand fully, sad for those who have lost their children but never able to even fathom how they could even go on. I could of never imagined, could of ever thought I would feel the horror of that life Trev, I don't want to know this pain, I hate living this life.     
            Everyday at one point of another there is a blackness that happens like I have suddenly gone blind, like I leave my body and am drowning in a thick black tarry substance. Days of darkness take over my mind so often, still unable to comprehend that you are actually gone.  In my right mind the mind that lives the reality, nightmare of hell I know you are dead, not coming back. My heart feels  as though someone is twisting it like a wet rag as tight as they can.  In my distraught mind the mind that still doesn't want to accept that your gone forever, the mind that is able to feel every inch of pain in my heart. That mind wants you still to be breathing, to sleep snoring on the couch, to be coming through that door, to antagonize your brother, to make stupid faces, I want you to complain about cleaning your room, about how you would have to shave to get your free meal at work lol.  I want you even in a hurry to come down to me at work and kiss me before you would rush out the door cause your late for work. There are so many things I daydream about in that mind that wants so much to just have you alive.
            The holidays were hard, but no harder than every single day I open my eyes. The pain never seems to change. With this Sunday coming I actually do feel a different pain. A pain like a arrow being stabbed through my heart, taken out and back in again repeatedly. 
             The day I found out I was pregnant was like the skies opening up and a rainbow appeared vibrant leading to a pot of gold. That pot of gold contained so may dreams for our child, our baby boy, another human being that could never be loved enough.  Pregnant with you. The best thing in the world my 1st pregnancy, I was healthy never sick loved every single minute of it. 20 years I loved you with everything I have, loved watching as you hit milestones, your first tooth, peeing standing up instead of sitting, your first lost tooth, your first stitches, broken bones, the way you grew and learned, the sense of humor that emerged, the array of interests, sports played friends made, hobby's you loved, success you had, the so many different things you achieved with such ease, the list goes on and on. In that 20 short years we tried with everything we are and knew to teach you the things that were necessary to be happy, confident, grow into a caring, loving, self independent, successful, respectful, responsible adult. We taught with personal experiences, concern and most importantly the utmost love and honesty. We never swayed things to make it seem anything other than what it was. You were never perfect and we didn't expect you to be,  you made your mistakes and learned lessons from them. We always stressed about smoking, drinking and DRUGS. Along with school, class, teachers, Your Mom and Dad warned you of the serious dangers and outcomes of using or experimenting with all of it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD that was one of the most important things we hoped would stick, would be ingrained into your head. Using the facts we would of hoped it would of scared you enough to heed the warnings we gave. 
               IT DIDNT TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????????
WHY COULDNT WE TEACH IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT TO WORK??????????????
It wasn't good and we didn't approve, but you smoked cigarettes, you drank, you smoked pot, I would take all of that back if you could only be here.  I AM SO VERY DEVASTATED. 
              This Sunday January 17th is suppose to be the day you would turn 21, change the same number age as your brother till next year. 21 years of being loved and taught right from wrong. Yes legal drinking age but still learning to be a adult, one more year using what we have given you these past 21 years to KEEP YOU SAFE AND ALIVE. THE FAST TRACK is what you believed in and LIVED, FULL BOAR, GIVE IT YOUR ALL, LOVING LIFE FOR THE DAY, DO WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY, NEVER GIVING UP, AND NO FEAR, NO FEAR TREV............  I on one hand am glad you were so happy so into life, doing what most people wish they could do by living each day for what it is. I then wish somehow the great things we taught you INDEPENDENCE AND GREAT CONFIDANCE didn't make you so RECKLESS. That is the part I can't stand to think about. If it wasn't the fast track you lived you would still be with me with us, with your brother.  
                 2015 wasn't a great year and from April when Gram Died was bad but from June on was ThEE worst possible. 2016 is starting with horribleness ( if even a word) you not being here is unbearable and Sunday is supposed to be happy Birthday to you. Happy 21st Birthday to our first born, Where should we eat, lets have a legal drink........
I JUST CAN'T SHED ENOUGH TEARS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN JUST HORRIBLE. MY HEART FEELS THE SHARP SHARDS EVERY TOF IT BEING SHATTERED EVERYTIME I INHALE.
 I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND i WISH i COULD GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG AND KISS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

Your Brother, his loss

                                          Yesterday the 4th was Ky's 20th Birthday.............. On Sunday and throughout the weekend I increasingly was more and more anxious for Monday to get here. Anxious not in an exciting way.  I know how can I be more upset????? Well I guess its not more upset cause that's not possible. This was an additional type of upset.  The sadness was overwhelming because all I could think about was Ky having his birthday without his big brother. You both were a pair, together from the start there was a special bond. Never being without you. Growing up together, grew the love for each other. You clicked and the world was about you and your brother. You had each other and were there for each other NO MATTER what. 
                                        You always showed your love for him maybe.....sometimes in what was teasing or sarcasm or nonstop irritating, antagonizing, but most importantly you had love for each other and showed it. Even when you would relentlessly irritate him wanting hugs and kisses he would smile like he knew you just wanted to get a rise out of him. Sometimes more on than not you did because you wouldn't take no for an answer. " Oh Ky I LOVE YOU..... COME ON GIVE ME A BIG HUG, GOING TOWARDS HIS FACE, WANT A KISS?????" It would always warm my heart to see how much love you both had for each other. I know at this point your little brother would take every bit of your sarcasm, teasing, antagonizing. He would accept every single hug and kiss you were willing to give him. He misses you so much.
                                       He does his things and hangs out with friends, but you can see that he is missing A HUGE part of him. That huge part that would light up his world. So often I seem to flash back to the day we found out you were dead. Seeing him on the steps of the police station like every ounce of blood had been sucked from him. The look of devastation on his face the emptiness that had already consumed him.  Not only me missing you IT KILLS ME daily, but it is that he doesn't have you here. The sight and knowledge of his devastation and sadness CRUSHES ME, MY HEART, MY SOUL.
                                     I would go through the most painful death to bring you back to him.  I apologize to him often that I cannot fix this. Mom's are supposed to be able to fix things for their kids, to make things better and I feel extremely helpless that I can't do a damn thing to make it even a slight bit better.

X-Mas Sadness

                                Christmas has come and gone Trev........................ We went, We ate, We drank, We gave our presents, We opened presents, We watched the kids open presents, We smiled, We laughed and We remembered, WE CRIED and Others cried too.  As I sat during xmas celebrations I caught myself several times zoned out with your face, smiles and laughs in my head, wanting so terribly bad for you to be able to be here with us. They say the firsts are the hardest.  Everyday is the hardest, still difficult to muster the energy or want to get out of bed.  Yes if it weren't for my job I bet I would be in bed more than
not.
    

 

           I went to the nature preserve on Xmas eve.  I know your not there, but it is a place of calm, fresh air, and just seeing your name I don't know it makes it another place to yet talk to you. I know I can talk to you wherever, but there are 3 places I feel like you can hear me or know I am there.  While in the family room as you sit on the T.V. Stand, sometimes taken down as I sit on the floor with you in my lap,  at the preserve and most importantly your room. Your room the place that still has your smell, the place I can lay for as long as I want to hold your pillow tight and a place that I cry for minutes sometimes hours and sometimes till I just fall asleep in your bed.
                              I have had to make calls for things that are coming in the mail with your name on them and it has been so very difficult. I end up every time upset with the person on the other end offering their sympathy. I try to hold it together but as soon as I have to say you died or give the date of your death I lose it. We should still be paying reg medical bills, getting tuition bills for college, having you ask for money, buying you food your favorite things and buying you X-Mas gifts. It is so HORRIBLY UNFAIR that we are left with this immense pain.

Empty Celebrations

                         Days prior to today.................the looking forward to Black Friday sales, Traveling miles to destinations of fun in the sun or family, busy bustling of shopping with packed stores and malls, happy jolly Christmas music, Christmas parties, Santa visits, decorating, Christmas lights, setting up your tree placing the ornaments on and placing your family's special something at the top, getting haircuts and making sure you get into the salon, making cookies, big blow up characters, sending out cards to share their love and appreciation and searching for that special gift for that and those special loved ones..............
                      Today just another day? A day or eve to attend church for some it is a day to celebrate a higher being,  lighting a menorah, celebrating different beliefs, still a day to do last minute decorating, This day..... for some it is last minute shopping, A day that starts family preparing of dinners, drinks of cheer, fancy clothes, presents, happy music, good food, laughing, the giggles of children as they run around houses in anticipation of opening their presents, wrapping paper tossed across carpets around the world, going to bed with warm fuzzy feelings, and happiness, the feeling of tummies full, children's excitement to leave cookies for the big jolly man who will come down the chimney and maybe for some to wonder how he got in with no chimney, the difficulty of falling asleep because they can't wait to wake up to a floor of presents wrapped around the bottom of the tree.
                         For us................................. it is a Thursday............ It is a Day with a name................Yes we are truly and genuinely grateful and have love for everyone who has been there for us, the people who have loved us and continue to love us, think of us. Those who still continue to keep us close to them in their thoughts and prayers, that keep you close in their hearts to remember you and Speak your name with memories, stories, Loving you and missing you, some with smiles of having the honor of having known you and how you touched their lives, having you be a part of their lives, and some missing you shedding tears because there is still disbelief that you are not here. That Trevor space is null and void in a physical sense, a sense that should be, but is not.
                           For us it is a house with 2 laser lights outside, room's of No decorations...... No cards sent out, No cookies made, No tree with pretty lights, ornaments.
                        Today is a day I opened my eyes this morning knowing this was a special day of sorts, a day that we are supposed to be excited to spend time with family, for me to take hundreds of pictures of funny silly faces of our boys interacting with each other and those around them, for family pictures, pictures of the 4 of us that will never be again. It is a eve for our boys still at 19 and 20 to go to bed and wake up in the morning still excited to open their gifts. It is a day that I just wanted to pull the covers over my head, a day that I dread to celebrate without one of my children, a day that I could just lay motionless in the dark with tears steaming down my face, a day that I don't want to smile that I don't want to cry because it is not about me, I don't want those around me to feel sorry for me, to walk on eggshells, to worry about what to say, a day that tears started to immediately fall with a growing cry, and knowing I am alone in the house. A morning that I that my breath gets stuck because my lungs feel suppressed, my chest heavy with a sinking feeling, my stomach in knots. Today is sunny, but seems like a dark whirl wind of black, like my mind is inside a raging tornado, I am drowning in a tidal wave. I find the umph to get out of bed feeling like there is a force drawing me back., like there are cement bricks stuck in quicksand. my head hurts pressure if wanting to blow up, my whole body is just in pain.  As I open my bedroom door. I see u and proceed to cry harder and louder. 
                         Today is a day that I know your brother and dad are hurting, a day that I know they have the excruciating feeling of a pitch fork slowly being stuck in them and being twisted back and forth. A day I know my son is missing his brother something fierce, that he has a heart with no happiness, no desire to have gotten out of bed to go to work, that he has no desire to hang out with people, he is not excited to open gifts, eat dinner and be merry.
                     The only thing I know he is excited about is going for a tattoo of your actual writing, a little note that you wrote, he decided that it meant enough to print it on his body for all to see. Something he is proud of being able to have to treasure for the rest of his life.
                    Today is a day that I am so glad to have your dad and your brother to hang on tight to that I know the pain your father feels not having his best friend, one of 2 sons he hold so dear,  someone I know he was proud of, someone he could have to joked with, made faces with, His concert buddy, someone who understood things nobody else did, only things that the three of them would know or get the humor behind.
                     I am nothing, nothing of what I should be feeling if you were here. I feel like a hollow shell. I could write a book of every single nothing I am feeling, but I will just say that not just today, but everyday I miss you, I yearn to have you here, to hear your voice, to hear that laugh and the funny , loving things you would say, to have your smell your hugging me just feeling the connection we had, a mommy and her son the bond like no other, I wish every second of my life that I would just be able to look into your big brown eyes and tell you how much I  LOVE  YOU SO SO SO  MUCH. Writing these simple letters, words is not enough and doesn't even scratch the tiniest of surfaces of how much I LOVE AND MISS YOU. How my heart just hurts like its being torn out. Although you are here on our T.V. stand and I know you are not there, I will visit your plaque and talk to you. For what it is worth Trev I will kneel holding you not wanting it to be a cold container wishing it was you in the flesh I could squeeze. I believe you can hear me and I will sit on your bed and cry and tell you how much I love you, and everything else I can get out of my mouth in between trying to catch my breath.  You should be here with us with the 3 of us and it kills us all that we have that emptiness.                   I cherish every X-Mas with you but will cherish my last more than anything.

 

 

                                     

Reaching Out

                                      

Tomorrow your Dad and I are meeting with a median. I have had this planned for a couple weeks. At the beginning all I thought about was I wish it wasn't so far away. It seemed like it was scheduled eons away, even though it was only a couple weeks. I tried not to think about it too much, because it would just seem still too far away. I am looking forward to this so much. I think to myself, Now...... I don't want to expect anything.... that way if there is something from you I will feel like it was a success. Depending on what it is I will know you hear me, that your still out there somewhere. I know there may be a chance that you don't come through. In that case I will be sad, sadder than I am now????? I don't know if there is even a worse place to be. This sad goes right thru the bottom of the very bottom of the bucket, thru the core of the earth and swirl continuously in the never ending blackness that is space. 
                                                    In my mind I know you came through to Aim and I believe it was you, because there were things she said about you and from you that nobody would of known. Because I am not really religious and I don't really have beliefs of a higher being or place to hang out with ultimate beauty. I want to know you are still with me in some form, whatever that may be.
                                   My heart is in so much pain thinking about you not being here, not being with our family Xmas Eve, no gifts for you, then there is those lucky parents that still have their children...ALL OF THEM whether it be one or 10. They have a abundance of merry cheer, happiness with smiles, laughs, warm full hearts, and lots of HUGS AND KISSES full of love from their children and them knowing they love their parents and them knowing it is genuine unconditional love that the parents have for them. I am truly happy for those families but when I have been in a situation with discussions of buying gifts, getting ready for the holidays, How some of the kids are so picky and they don't know what to buy or if they will like what they were bought.  I think at least you can buy a gift and give it to them, see them light up. I so want that, I want it with all I am. With all my heart I know you knew you were loved unconditionally no matter what. I know you didn't mean for this to happen........ I know, but it doesn't help me, doesn't give me a sense of anything, no happiness, smiles, full heart, peace and especially the gentle soft kisses and tight hugs from you.
                                 I don't have a list of things I miss about you............
                            IT IS THE EVERYTHING YOU WERE THAT IS MISSED
  THE PART OF MY HEART THAT IS YOUR PLACE FEELS LIKE IT IS SHRIVELED UP LIKE A OLD APPLE.




I am so anxious but extremely excited my insides are so churned up. I am so open, she said you have to be and feel open, My heart open, my mind open, My whole soul is open to any and everything that she can pass to me from you. PLEEEEEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO COME TO ME AND YOUR DAD. Everyday that passes there are other memories, duties that call and distractions, but even with everything you are at the forefront of my mind.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH HOW I WISH WITH ALL OF ME THAT WISHES COULD COME TRUE, MAGIC WANDS WORKED AND GENIES EXSISTED.
THE LIFE YOUR BROTHER, YOUR DAD AND ME ARE LIVING DRAGS US DOWN LIKE CEMENT BOOTS, AND FEELS LIKE WE ARE BEING SUCKED DOWN BY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
I am extremely grateful that I have your brother and dad to cling tight to.

WHERE R U?????????

                           Every day closer to the holidays is getting harder and harder lately. I don't have any ambition or want to do any decorating. We put the new laser's in the big trees. The ones they say are for the lazy decorators. Your dad and I don't even care about decorations or a tree. Your brother even said why? who cares....who needs a tree..... I don't know if he is just saying it or if he really means it. I don't know if it will make a difference for our emotional states. I doubt it really.
 It has been 25 days since I had a dream with you with me, in it, or about you. I realize every time I dream I wake up screaming or crying, but I am missing you terribly. I have been yearning for a dream even for a short burst of you being near me. I have my memories of your smiles and face, but in my dreams it is more real and you are tangible in a way in my dreams. They say that it is visits when you dream about your loved ones that have past. WHY????? WHY haven't you been there???? WHY won't you come even when I beg you. I beg you everyday to please come to me. I want you to be in my dreams, even in my worst nightmares I think its you coming to me. I see you in the flesh, I hug you a lot and have talked to you and you me even more so in my dreams. Sad or not, upset or screaming.  If you are not visiting me are you hearing me when I am in your room?

OH HOW I WISH FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF MY WHOLE BEING THIS COULD SOMEHOW BE TRUE

                        I kneel at the side of your bed with my head on your pillow or just draped, limp, crying, still wondering why????? what made you do this, think it was ok, think you would be fine knowing what this epidemic is doing to people.... to IT HAS DONE TO US................  I Sit in my chair at night and out of nowhere will have tears streaming down my cheeks. A waterfall rushing faster than I am able to wipe so I just let it fall, I sit numb with no expression knowing nothing but I am sooooooooooooooooo very sad, more than sad, my head still in a fog wanting this to be so unreal. The part of my mind that is aware of what the truth is knows you can't come back. I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I am so confused still, HOW COULD THIS BE? MY BABY, HOW COULD YOU BE GONE?  HOW CAN THIS BE THE REALITY OF OUR LIFE? WHY DID THIS TOUCH OUR LIVES?
          I have been physically sick for weeks now. I don't know if it is the exhaustion actually taking over, the strain on my emotions and my, mind, my body, if it has finally caught up and taking over. My health is different, I feel different more different that being just tired, deep breaths don't seem to release overwhelming feelings, they don't clear my mind, not that they did before but sometimes its like I ran miles and can't catch my breath, feel relaxed.
          I DREAD XMAS EVE, SITTING WITH THE REST OF OUR FAMILY, OPENING PRESENTS, EATING MISSING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKING FUNNY FACES, COMMENTS, SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER TAKING PICTURES, THE FEELING OF JSUT LOVING YOU, LOVING US TOGETHER, LOVING SEEING YOU AND YOUR BROTHER LOVING EACH OTHER, YOU AND YOUR DAD AND YOUR ANTICS. I DREAD XMAS MORNING, THE EXCITEMENT YOU STILL HAD EVEN AT 19, THIS YEAR WOULD OF BEEN 20.
EVEN THE BRIGHTEST OF DAYS ARE DARK, NIGHTS ARE EVEN DARKER AND I AM JSUT TIRED OF MISS
 ING YOU. THE DEPTH OF MY PAIN IS JUST LIKE SUFFOCATING.

Rhea

                  Well your dad decided after on and off conversations that he wanted to get a dog. Of course every time he talked about it Ky was all jacked up. Numerous times dad was like well...... I was kidding or half thinking about it, but nooooo we aren't. The this past weekend your dad was sitting in his recliner while we were all watching T.V and showed me a pic of a bullmastiff. ??????????????? I looked at him like REALLY???? AGAIN????? He said I think we should really get one. I said " A WHAT???" your dad: a bull mastiff Me: What? Really? Ky snapped his head around and said what? What are you talking about??????. I said your dad wants to get a dog again. I really have been against it because putting Hampton down was very hard. I thought the hardest thing in my life BUT NOW I KNOW IT WAS NOT.....
                    I thought about it and although it will not bring you back or by any means fill the part of our hearts that are crushed. I did think though maybe it would be a good distraction. I don't mean to not think of you, because that could NEVER happen since you are in the forefront of my mind EVERY SECOND OF EVRY SECOND. We are all very excited though and you would really think she is the most adorable thing ever.  I know she will bring smiles to us and that is something we really need. There isn't a time that I don't smile and then think how can I????? You are dead, not here, gone forever, your voice absent, hugs and kisses a feeling that I will never have again, I am sad, broken, crushed, empty, so extremely sad that I sometimes don't know how I can even think or break a smile. 
                    Somehow getting this puppy reminds me of all the time I spent with Pepper every night. She was your baby, your pet, I agreed to let you get her and although I took her over caring for her, you were the reason I found love in a ball of prickly little sticks. It broke my heart when she died. I held her till she took her last breath just like Hampton that is why I questioned taking on another life that will eventually end.  I am weak though and love animals. If I could save every pour soul that needs a home I would. so January we will get the little pup we will call Rhea. Your brother picked the name. It is Greek and means mother of all gods.
                 
I always end with how much I miss you and love you and how I am lost and so is dad and Ky We cannot believe 3this is still happening, happened real. It sucks that's all I have to say. Suck with a CAPITAL S and UCK which stands for so much