There is NO question what so ever that you are in my mind endlessly never missing a second, my soul and my heart FOREVER. Nothing can change the NEVER ending LOVE I have for YOU. Unfortunately nothing can be changed in what life we are living with you gone Trevor. I realize even almost 9 months, 9 MONTHS later people still don't know what to say. Some feel like they can't approach us because they don't want to upset us. Some people just are distant because we have stepped back with our initiation of contact. I know and I am sorry I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY EITHER. The uncomfortable moments, my pain and just plain sick, gut wrenching feeling of me not knowing how to answer " How are you/Pete/Ky?" How r we??????????" hm............... I want to say something upbeat and positive...............Really...`` I don't want to make people more uncomfortable to approach us, to have them avoid us to be Leary36 of conversation. Do we just say, were ok........... pretty good......... eh........... as good as to be expected (usually that's a go to)................ better........ Better TREVOR, WHAT IS THAT NO, NO we aren't even close to that, we cant be. We don't have any choice, no possible way to change this life as we know it now, to know what that is.
HEALING...............Is a word we hear often.......NO .............that word is not right, it isn't a process of healing....
Definition of Healing:
1. To ease or relieve (emotional distress)
2. To be relieved or eliminated
3. To set right; repair
4. To recover from an illness or injury; return to health.
5. To restore to health or soundness; cure. CURE hmmmm
Ultimately there is an END RESULT to a cure.
YES I have others to love me and I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE , but there IS NO END RESULT, NO relief to this horror, the pain like no other will not EVER lessen, Images of your lifelessness body are NEVER going to be eliminated from our minds, my/our hearts will NEVER be whole, NO FIXING THIS TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NO......... WITHIN THE REST OF MY DAYS I WILL FEEL THIS GUT WRENCHING, SICKNESS, I AM SO MAD THAT I HAVE TO HAVE THIS PAIN. IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY. I LOVE YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR DAD WITH ALL I HAVE LEFT, BUT THIS AGONY WILL BE PRESENT TILL THE END OF MY EXISTANCE.
On the other hand there has to be something right???? Whatever that is. At this point I HAVE NO IDEA what, none what so ever.
FUNCTION................ I believe there is something called Function, Functioning. Is this our life now? I believe we are left to just function.
1. An activity or purpose natural to or intended for a person or thing
2. A relationship or expression involving one or more variables.
3. Work or operate in a proper or particular way
Learn to exist in a fashion that will get you thru days that will always be missing a enormous piece of A PART OF ME, MY BABY, THAT WAS TAKEN FROM ME AND I HATE IT. I CAN'T SCREAM IT LOUD ENOUGH.
We will Work, Spend time with friends, Buy things, Go on Vacations, Breathe and Smile. I know this because this is what we are living now.
I truly do enjoy some of those things. ALWAYS Intertwined is that constant heaviness, the feeling of having a void that will never be filled with what it is supposed to be filled with, THAT IS YOU TREVOR, YOU SHOULD BE HERE ,THERE SHOULD BE NO VOID.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Pained and Drained
Everyday since you died I have been lost in a world of dark days, days of just not wanting to go on, days I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall, mostly just painful, PAINFUL, EXTREME PAIN AND EXAUSTION. It feels not only like MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN SLOW MOTION, but yet like June 29th has stood still, A PERMANENT SCENE FROM THE WORST HORROR MOVIE ANYBODY COULD SEE, A MOVIE YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO LIVE, A MOVIE LIKE NO OTHER, A MOVIE YOU CAN'T FATHOM TILL IT HAPPENS TO YOU, SLICES YOU OPEN SLOWLY, GRABS YOUR HEART TILL IT FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE, RIPS IT FROM YOUR CHEST AS YOU WATCH IT EXPLODE INTO A MILION PIECES OR LIKE A DEMON IS SUCKING THE SOUL RIGHT FROM YOUR MOUTH AS YOUR BODY GOES LIMP.
I constantly repeat to others out loud, writing how much I MISS YOU and how I LOVE YOU TREV. I WILL NOT APPOLIGIZE FOR IT, THERE IS NEVER TOO OF TALKING ABOUT YOU, REMEMBERING YOU, UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS A OVERFLOWING AMOUNT OF TEARS. With that being said, can you imagine how many times I say it in my mind? I'll tell you IT IS EVERYDAY, EVERY SECOND I BREATHE, THE BEGINNING, THE MIDDLE AND THE END OF EACH BREATH IS LIKE PAIN FROM A HOT STEAM BURNING YOUR INSIDES OUT. I go on with my days, talk, do things, force myself to function, but all the while it is my mind that thinks, imagines, pictures, remembers, the day like it was yesterday. It's like a huge magnifying glass, the clearest glass possible. My pieces can never be repaired. I can have days that I am not hysterical, Days that we are distracted but the visions are there, I COULD NEVER KNOW HOW THIS FEELS!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE ITS MY LIFE, I STILL CANT BEEEEEELIEEEEEEEEEEVE YOU ARE NOT HERE.
I truly try to have good days, but the darkness seems overshadow it all. It is just constant that I just want the crystal balls clouds to clear to change the life we are living.
I HATE THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE AND I HATE THAT IT'S REAL, AND MOST OF ALL
I HATE THAT I KNOW THAT ITS ALL THIS WHOLE NIGHTMARE IS SO VERY TRUE, PRESENT, REAL.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
LOTS OF WORST OF THE WORST DAYS
I dreamt last night and when I woke up it was different things I remembered. Unfortunately none of the dreams were with you, or of you. As I continued to get out of the grog, but not fully awake my mind wandered to visions of you. Visions I DONT WANT, visions of you that I NEVER in my life thought I would ever see. VISIONS I HATE, HATE, HATE. It was like I sunk right back to the day I found out you were dead. how I couldn't get a hold of you, my desperate texts never reaching you because WHY?????? You were DEAD, NOT BREATHING, GONE FROM THIS WORLD, GONE FROM MY LIFE, LAYING IN A MORGUE ON A COLD HARD GURNEY FOR HOURS AND HOURS BEFORE I WOULD EVEN KNOW YOU WERE GONE. Ugly images of how you sitting in a chair when you were found. The chair you supposedly were the night before when the asshole left you there, left alone to die, picturing you calling me as you possibly struggled to breathe, wondering what was in your mind, Did you even realize what was happening, what you had done, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??????????????????? I am reliving the hell of the days we weren't even able to see you because you were at the city morgue. The days that haunt my mind is where I was once again. Nightmares of reality Swirling and echoing in my mind. All the while with a EAR PIERCING scream that never stops.
Days continue to be torturous, I cry EVERYDAY, Not just once a day, not even 2ce, but sometimes I can't keep track. Besides out loud it is a ongoing cry within my self. I could SCREAM ALL DAY EVERYDAY, THROWING THINGS, SMASHING THINGS, HITTING ANYTHING IN MY PATH, BANGING MY HEAD till there is no sound. Guess what Trev........ The sound of NIGHTMARES/MY NOW LIFE NEVER STOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I drag myself to get out of bed, sunny clear sky's and I am just dreading the day, we go on about our morning Laundry, vacuuming, tending to our little princess, all the while I have this lump in my throat the size of cantaloupe cutting off air. Wanting to just lose my mind, like a mental case just destroying everything around me. I retreat to my scrapbooking room. Maybe if I work on getting stuff ready for my crop it will keep something else in my mind so it isn't consumed with the hellish thoughts. YEA RIGHT! I don't know why I think I can fool myself. I CAN'T, IT WON'T HAPPEN, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE..............................................
I stand there for seconds before I start to stare at the pictures I have displayed. I feel it, without any effort the tears start to stream down my cheeks, my nose is stuffy and I'm sniffling within seconds. I try to talk myself into not being so upset, treasure the pictures, admire your handsome face, remember your humor, how you were loved by so many, how you accomplished so much in your short life, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!!!! make it stop. I am stranded on this island pictured like a abandoned town, empty bare trees, black and stormy, there is nothing in sight. I cry harder, but stifle the sound by keeping my sobs or trying to keep them quiet. I am to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing, my shirt soaked from the waterfall of tears. I CAN'T do it I CAN'T control myself. I am crying so hard I half choke just breathing in to try and catch a breath.
Your dad comes in behind me to find me with my head down, my posture feeling like its falling and my hands over my mouth. Even with my hands I couldn't quiet the whimpers that would be blood curdling if uncovered. I turn and fall into him, he just holds me as I cry so loud, Trev so out of control. I am wrapping my arms around him so 1 I don't fall and 2 to TRY to comfort him. He cups my head to his chest and hugs me so tight trying to comfort me as I feel him cry. I want so bad to help him as he does me, but THERE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING TREV, NOTHING we can do for each other to take any of the pain away, our hearts so broken, breathing in what feels like shards of glass. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JUUUUUUST WANT HIM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cry to your dad. He knows this and he feels it too, I know, I know he says, but all he can say is WE DON'T get that option because you (Trev) made a stupid decision.
Your dad makes me take a break and I move from the scrapbook room to one of the couches I the front living room. I CAN NOT STOP, I CANNOT STOP THE TEARS AND PAIN. I CAN'T stop the tears, the whimpers, the breaths I can't catch. It's like a racing train at full speed. Rhea comes in and she knows, all I can do is lay hugging her and crying.
I KNOW YOU CAN'T COME HOME, I KNOW THIS BUT I WANT IT SO TERRIBLY BAD. I HATE THIS LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT US. DAMMIT, DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP THE THOUGHTS, THE IMAGES, THE PAIN THE MISSING YOU, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PRESENT AND IS FOREVER. I LOVE YOU TREEEEEVOR! I JUST LOVE YOU..................
Days continue to be torturous, I cry EVERYDAY, Not just once a day, not even 2ce, but sometimes I can't keep track. Besides out loud it is a ongoing cry within my self. I could SCREAM ALL DAY EVERYDAY, THROWING THINGS, SMASHING THINGS, HITTING ANYTHING IN MY PATH, BANGING MY HEAD till there is no sound. Guess what Trev........ The sound of NIGHTMARES/MY NOW LIFE NEVER STOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I drag myself to get out of bed, sunny clear sky's and I am just dreading the day, we go on about our morning Laundry, vacuuming, tending to our little princess, all the while I have this lump in my throat the size of cantaloupe cutting off air. Wanting to just lose my mind, like a mental case just destroying everything around me. I retreat to my scrapbooking room. Maybe if I work on getting stuff ready for my crop it will keep something else in my mind so it isn't consumed with the hellish thoughts. YEA RIGHT! I don't know why I think I can fool myself. I CAN'T, IT WON'T HAPPEN, IT JUST ISN'T POSSIBLE..............................................
I stand there for seconds before I start to stare at the pictures I have displayed. I feel it, without any effort the tears start to stream down my cheeks, my nose is stuffy and I'm sniffling within seconds. I try to talk myself into not being so upset, treasure the pictures, admire your handsome face, remember your humor, how you were loved by so many, how you accomplished so much in your short life, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T !!!!!!!!!!!!! make it stop. I am stranded on this island pictured like a abandoned town, empty bare trees, black and stormy, there is nothing in sight. I cry harder, but stifle the sound by keeping my sobs or trying to keep them quiet. I am to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing, my shirt soaked from the waterfall of tears. I CAN'T do it I CAN'T control myself. I am crying so hard I half choke just breathing in to try and catch a breath.
Your dad comes in behind me to find me with my head down, my posture feeling like its falling and my hands over my mouth. Even with my hands I couldn't quiet the whimpers that would be blood curdling if uncovered. I turn and fall into him, he just holds me as I cry so loud, Trev so out of control. I am wrapping my arms around him so 1 I don't fall and 2 to TRY to comfort him. He cups my head to his chest and hugs me so tight trying to comfort me as I feel him cry. I want so bad to help him as he does me, but THERE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING TREV, NOTHING we can do for each other to take any of the pain away, our hearts so broken, breathing in what feels like shards of glass. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JUUUUUUST WANT HIM BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cry to your dad. He knows this and he feels it too, I know, I know he says, but all he can say is WE DON'T get that option because you (Trev) made a stupid decision.
Your dad makes me take a break and I move from the scrapbook room to one of the couches I the front living room. I CAN NOT STOP, I CANNOT STOP THE TEARS AND PAIN. I CAN'T stop the tears, the whimpers, the breaths I can't catch. It's like a racing train at full speed. Rhea comes in and she knows, all I can do is lay hugging her and crying.
I KNOW YOU CAN'T COME HOME, I KNOW THIS BUT I WANT IT SO TERRIBLY BAD. I HATE THIS LIFE YOU HAVE LEFT US. DAMMIT, DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP THE THOUGHTS, THE IMAGES, THE PAIN THE MISSING YOU, MY LOVE FOR YOU IS PRESENT AND IS FOREVER. I LOVE YOU TREEEEEVOR! I JUST LOVE YOU..................
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Bits and Pieces
This morning 5:14am I woke up to Dad coming back into the room before he went to work. I laid for a minute or two before I realized I had a dream with you in it. It was not with you but of you. At that moment I said to myself..................."I will take it! It is a day before the last dream I had. so 1 day less than a month. That is the longest I have went without a dream. I have been badgering you every time I go into your room one of the things I have been crying to you about is not having a dream for along time. I ask you to please come visit me. I miss you so very much and when I dream of you. At least I get to sometimes touch you, talk to you, but most important just see you, your face, your moving parts, breathing ALIVE. OH HOW I WISH THAT COULD BE MY LIFE....
I don't remember too much but what I do remember is that you seemed to be at a job place of some sort and you had called me to see if someone could pick you up to take you to Menominee Falls. You were in Waukesha Falls (which is not a place, Its just Waukesha don't know why you would say that) I don't like to go to unchartered territory and so I asked your Dad if he could go get you. I explained why and when he said no I was shocked. He was very adamant that he was not going to go. I kept explaining to him how it was for your job and you had to get there for a meeting cause everyone was meeting there. He was still firm on his answer. I went to Ky's room, he was laying on his bed and I said " and I guess you wont go either" and he just shook his head in a no motion. I wasn't going to let you down, be stranded, have you possibly lose your job. (I could so see that come ooooooon mooooooom face you used to give me) So I started to get ready and Dad said" "what are you doing?" Me "I am going to go and take Trev to his meeting". Your (Dad looked at me like come on Dawn..................) He said " He needs to do this, you can't bail him out of things forever". I was like WHAT? He said" He needs to be a big boy and find his own way. Let him call a friend, but it is his responsibility". I don't remember anything after that but faintly I remember you were very disappointed because the answer was no. I think in the back of my mind I knew your dad was right, but what was just one more time.......................
*****With all this I try to understand why I dream what I dream or see a meaning in it.
I am pretty sure you worked in Menominee Falls with your friend Nick for awhile for AT & T. ( You were always so jacked up about that job at first because you made good sales and made a lot of money) So that would make sense. The not wanting you to have to worry or be stranded, well I am your mom and I am supposed to catch you when you fall and SAVE you and I felt I was just doing my job. I didn't want to let you down.
I now think that the connection could be that for a bit before you died you would come to me a lot for small amounts of money. You were always going out bowling, and eating out etc) So you would always be broke as you would say. You would come to me for 5 dollars, but you would say or ill take anything you can spare mooooooooom......Most times you were just happy to get anything. How could I say no to those big brown eyes with that sad help me out PLEEEEEASE mom face. I would usually have at least ten. I would say " you know...................... your dad wouldn't give you any and be mad if he knew I was giving you money cause you need to budget better" I don't know why I would say it like it was going to be a secret cause I would always end u telling him anyways. Your Dad would just give me a ohhhhhh "OH MOMMY...... I NEEEEEEEED and you WILL GIVE IN TO ME look! I would always try so hard and in my mind I would say to myself "no I'm not gonna do it anymore" ( whatever it was gonna be) but I would always give in............
At this point I wish I would of said no to you at least in the month or so previous to you dying. I wish I would of stood my ground and said no. You came to me a lot and now knowing that you were doing this, OH GOD I wish I would of been more observant less trusting of you ( but why should I have been? You were always honest with us. If we asked something you would just tell us. You were never worried or scared because you knew we were always there no matter what).
With a huge lump in my throat and the tears flowing. I think to myself all the time.........If we just would of asked maybe that would of been a honesty answer. I should of knew after all the things I have read, shows I have watched, learning about symptoms, signs. I should of seen something I should of been stronger.
I SHOULD OF NEVER STARTED TO GIVE YOU MONEY, ALL THOSE TIMES.......... WAS I FEEDING THE GROWING ADDICTION TO COME????( I DONT KNOW ) BUT IT COULD OF BEEN????? MOST LIKELY WAS FOR DRUGS............ GOD TREVOR WHY IF IT WAS THE CASE DID YOU LIE TO ME?????? OR DECEIVE ME?????? YOU WEREN'T THAT WAY.............. I SHOULD OF NEVER, NEVER GIVEN YOU MONEY AT ALL.
MY MONEY, SOME OF THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU COULD THAT HAVE BEEN MONEY THAT BOUGHT YOU THOSE DRUGS FOR AWHILE GETTING YOU MORE HOOKED, THE DRUGS, THE LAST DRUGS YOU BOUGHT, THE DRUGS THAT KILLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LET YOU DOWN. I DID............ I WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO CATCH IT. I TRUSTED YOU TOO MUCH. I JUST WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW, (WHICH NOBODY BUT YOU CAN EVER KNOW, NOBODY CAN SAY FOR SURE" NO DAWN IT WASNT YOUR MONEY. THEY CAN'T SAY IT PROBABLY WASN'T YOUR MONEY. NO THEY CAN'T CAUSE IT VERY WELL MIGHT OF BEEN. I JUST DONT KNOW, BUT I JUST WISH I WOULD OF NEVER STARTED GIVING YOU MONEY IN YOUR TIMES OF NEED, EVEN IF IT WAS FOR GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO "EAT????".
JUST BEING A MOM IS ALL I THOUGHT I WAS DOING..................
IIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MUCH IT HURTS ME SO EXTREMELY HARD THE PAIN IS SO EMMENSE THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE. FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TREVOR WHYYYYYYYYY????????????
PLEASE KNOW I JUST LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.....I tried to teach you all I could to prepare you to give you the best knowledge. IF IN FACT I GAVE YOU THE MONEY THAT BOUGHT THE EVIL THAT KILLED YOU, I AM SO SORRY HONEY.
I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don't remember too much but what I do remember is that you seemed to be at a job place of some sort and you had called me to see if someone could pick you up to take you to Menominee Falls. You were in Waukesha Falls (which is not a place, Its just Waukesha don't know why you would say that) I don't like to go to unchartered territory and so I asked your Dad if he could go get you. I explained why and when he said no I was shocked. He was very adamant that he was not going to go. I kept explaining to him how it was for your job and you had to get there for a meeting cause everyone was meeting there. He was still firm on his answer. I went to Ky's room, he was laying on his bed and I said " and I guess you wont go either" and he just shook his head in a no motion. I wasn't going to let you down, be stranded, have you possibly lose your job. (I could so see that come ooooooon mooooooom face you used to give me) So I started to get ready and Dad said" "what are you doing?" Me "I am going to go and take Trev to his meeting". Your (Dad looked at me like come on Dawn..................) He said " He needs to do this, you can't bail him out of things forever". I was like WHAT? He said" He needs to be a big boy and find his own way. Let him call a friend, but it is his responsibility". I don't remember anything after that but faintly I remember you were very disappointed because the answer was no. I think in the back of my mind I knew your dad was right, but what was just one more time.......................
*****With all this I try to understand why I dream what I dream or see a meaning in it.
I am pretty sure you worked in Menominee Falls with your friend Nick for awhile for AT & T. ( You were always so jacked up about that job at first because you made good sales and made a lot of money) So that would make sense. The not wanting you to have to worry or be stranded, well I am your mom and I am supposed to catch you when you fall and SAVE you and I felt I was just doing my job. I didn't want to let you down.
I now think that the connection could be that for a bit before you died you would come to me a lot for small amounts of money. You were always going out bowling, and eating out etc) So you would always be broke as you would say. You would come to me for 5 dollars, but you would say or ill take anything you can spare mooooooooom......Most times you were just happy to get anything. How could I say no to those big brown eyes with that sad help me out PLEEEEEASE mom face. I would usually have at least ten. I would say " you know...................... your dad wouldn't give you any and be mad if he knew I was giving you money cause you need to budget better" I don't know why I would say it like it was going to be a secret cause I would always end u telling him anyways. Your Dad would just give me a ohhhhhh "OH MOMMY...... I NEEEEEEEED and you WILL GIVE IN TO ME look! I would always try so hard and in my mind I would say to myself "no I'm not gonna do it anymore" ( whatever it was gonna be) but I would always give in............
At this point I wish I would of said no to you at least in the month or so previous to you dying. I wish I would of stood my ground and said no. You came to me a lot and now knowing that you were doing this, OH GOD I wish I would of been more observant less trusting of you ( but why should I have been? You were always honest with us. If we asked something you would just tell us. You were never worried or scared because you knew we were always there no matter what).
With a huge lump in my throat and the tears flowing. I think to myself all the time.........If we just would of asked maybe that would of been a honesty answer. I should of knew after all the things I have read, shows I have watched, learning about symptoms, signs. I should of seen something I should of been stronger.
I SHOULD OF NEVER STARTED TO GIVE YOU MONEY, ALL THOSE TIMES.......... WAS I FEEDING THE GROWING ADDICTION TO COME????( I DONT KNOW ) BUT IT COULD OF BEEN????? MOST LIKELY WAS FOR DRUGS............ GOD TREVOR WHY IF IT WAS THE CASE DID YOU LIE TO ME?????? OR DECEIVE ME?????? YOU WEREN'T THAT WAY.............. I SHOULD OF NEVER, NEVER GIVEN YOU MONEY AT ALL.
MY MONEY, SOME OF THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU COULD THAT HAVE BEEN MONEY THAT BOUGHT YOU THOSE DRUGS FOR AWHILE GETTING YOU MORE HOOKED, THE DRUGS, THE LAST DRUGS YOU BOUGHT, THE DRUGS THAT KILLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY I LET YOU DOWN. I DID............ I WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO CATCH IT. I TRUSTED YOU TOO MUCH. I JUST WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO KNOW, (WHICH NOBODY BUT YOU CAN EVER KNOW, NOBODY CAN SAY FOR SURE" NO DAWN IT WASNT YOUR MONEY. THEY CAN'T SAY IT PROBABLY WASN'T YOUR MONEY. NO THEY CAN'T CAUSE IT VERY WELL MIGHT OF BEEN. I JUST DONT KNOW, BUT I JUST WISH I WOULD OF NEVER STARTED GIVING YOU MONEY IN YOUR TIMES OF NEED, EVEN IF IT WAS FOR GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO "EAT????".
JUST BEING A MOM IS ALL I THOUGHT I WAS DOING..................
IIIIIIIIIIIII LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
MUCH IT HURTS ME SO EXTREMELY HARD THE PAIN IS SO EMMENSE THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE. FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TREVOR WHYYYYYYYYY????????????
PLEASE KNOW I JUST LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.....I tried to teach you all I could to prepare you to give you the best knowledge. IF IN FACT I GAVE YOU THE MONEY THAT BOUGHT THE EVIL THAT KILLED YOU, I AM SO SORRY HONEY.
I JUST LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU XOXOXO
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
219
I sit here in my recliner Rhea in between my legs snoring away. I type these words in my ongoing hazy mind. Days have gone by, some faster than others and then some in the slowest of motions, yet the TIME has stood still in my heart, The heart that IS a muscle in my chest that strains to pump enough blood to allow my lungs to inflate. The excruciating pain is NEVER not felt. Even though I function enough to push forward, all the while I seem to watch the world go on around me. Yes I get up in the morning, ONLY because we have bills to pay, If I could I would so just lay motionless where ever I could in one spot and think of every second I was able to have you, TRY TO REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE thing we did when you were little, what you have ever said to me, what things you liked to eat, your favorite toys, every time you sassed back, every time you made or gave me a card, think about the breakfasts you brought to me in bed, Remember every time you ever were hurt and needed me to hold you. I was able to kiss it and make it better.
ALL THOSE TIMES I WAS ABLE TO KISS YOUR CHEEK, FINGER, TOE, WHATEVER IT WAS ................................... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT IT, BUT HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO IT AGAIN. I JUST WANT THAT ONE CHANCE ,THAT MOST IMPORTANT CHANCE TO FIX, TO SAVE YOU.
I cry myself to sleep so often that Monday should of been nothing new. I didn't want to keep your dad awake so I moved out of the bedroom. My plan was to just lay on the couch, but I cried harder and harder and didn't want your dad to be disturbed. I ended up in your room, my - you place.
I cried so hard and so long laying I the pitch black, I just covered myself with the quilt of your shirts and held your pillow with my face buried in it trying to muffle the sound. I eventually fell asleep and it was 5am the next morning when Dad got me up.
Yesterday as I knelt in front of your dad as he sat in his recliner my head on his chest. I cried so out loud, and sobbed. He rubbed my head and back in between wiping the tears from his own eyes. He tells me all the time he wishes he could fix this for me to do something to help me. Nothing Trevor NOTHING is happening. EVERY DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY Trev I just want this to be a nightmare and I just want to be able to WAKE UP. We have worked, gone out to parties, out to eat, shopping, planning on our vacation, but everyday my heart is as fresh as June 29th.
We still don't have your phone as the district attorney wont allow it to be released until after the pre trial and possibly as long as the trial. After 6mo Dad canceled your service and I forgot. I call your phone a lot and I called yesterday not thinking. Waiting patiently to feel the sound of your voice but instead the automated its not in service message. I immediately had this sunken feeling like being kicked in the gut. and just put my head in my hands and lost it. ITS BEEN 219 DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU PAST THE END SOF THE EARTH. MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN, I WOULD CUT OFF MY ARM AND IT WOULDNT EVEN START TO FEEL MY PAIN.
ALL THOSE TIMES I WAS ABLE TO KISS YOUR CHEEK, FINGER, TOE, WHATEVER IT WAS ................................... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO NOT ONLY THINK ABOUT IT, BUT HAVE THE CHANCE TO DO IT AGAIN. I JUST WANT THAT ONE CHANCE ,THAT MOST IMPORTANT CHANCE TO FIX, TO SAVE YOU.
I cry myself to sleep so often that Monday should of been nothing new. I didn't want to keep your dad awake so I moved out of the bedroom. My plan was to just lay on the couch, but I cried harder and harder and didn't want your dad to be disturbed. I ended up in your room, my - you place.
I cried so hard and so long laying I the pitch black, I just covered myself with the quilt of your shirts and held your pillow with my face buried in it trying to muffle the sound. I eventually fell asleep and it was 5am the next morning when Dad got me up.
Yesterday as I knelt in front of your dad as he sat in his recliner my head on his chest. I cried so out loud, and sobbed. He rubbed my head and back in between wiping the tears from his own eyes. He tells me all the time he wishes he could fix this for me to do something to help me. Nothing Trevor NOTHING is happening. EVERY DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY Trev I just want this to be a nightmare and I just want to be able to WAKE UP. We have worked, gone out to parties, out to eat, shopping, planning on our vacation, but everyday my heart is as fresh as June 29th.
We still don't have your phone as the district attorney wont allow it to be released until after the pre trial and possibly as long as the trial. After 6mo Dad canceled your service and I forgot. I call your phone a lot and I called yesterday not thinking. Waiting patiently to feel the sound of your voice but instead the automated its not in service message. I immediately had this sunken feeling like being kicked in the gut. and just put my head in my hands and lost it. ITS BEEN 219 DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU PAST THE END SOF THE EARTH. MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN, I WOULD CUT OFF MY ARM AND IT WOULDNT EVEN START TO FEEL MY PAIN.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
DAY after DAY
I never have had to deal with this what I feel is beyond torture, never have had a piece of me ripped from my grasp, have had MY CHILD DIE. I have read heart wrenching stories of families and their losses, I have cried for others because my heart breaks for them just thinking how it would feel, at that time I HAD NO CLUE what so ever. Although I have not experienced it in the past I always knew in my heart I wouldn't have to, well I guess I thought I wouldn't have to experience the pain described by others as something nobody can feel unless it happens to them. I do now KNOW 1st hand that it is so , so very indescribable, just hurts every inch of your whole being, body, mind, every nerve ending possible. can it hurt when you feel numb???? I know now what they say, I understand the enormity and I know this pain will never end. It will never ever go away Trevor.
I honestly don't see a day when I don't cry at all. I still want to just sit like a crazy person in movies in a padded room with no windows just crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I know I have to live some kind of a life. Whatever life this is that involves, existence, working to make a living, shop for necessities, go out to diner, interact with strangers, hang with friends, smile and breathe. Breathing that is so very hard and such a huge struggle at times. I try so hard to just be in your room and talk to you, but it ends in just a uncontrollable sobbing a internal hysteria. I just sit in your room, looking at your things, looking at the pictures of one of your funeral boards that I hung in there, the dragon fly poster that Audrey had her hubby make for the baseball tournament that honored you.
Your smell...............I know I talk about it all the time, but I DREAD the Day it is not there, but I can tell it is fading without the continued touch of you. Pretty soon I will not have that the one thing that still can give me somewhat of a comfort, a feeling of being as close to you, as I can for having NO LAUGH TO HEAR, NO SMILE TO SEE , NO BODY TO HUG, NO KISSES TO GIVE OR GET, NO BODY, BREATHING, NO LIFE AT ALL, NO BREATH, NO SOUND,NO NOTHING. THAT WILL BE THE FINAL PIECE OF NOT HAVING SOMETHING TANGIBLE. A room full of stuff, shelves of things that you earned, things you bought or were given, clothes you will never wear, a container from college that kept things you used or didn't, a bed you don't ever need again, all things that are just sitting with no purpose. I have a whole Rubbermaid container full to the top with pictures you colored, 1st library card, homework papers, art projects, all your little awards sheets from pre - k, kindergarten thru elementary, then into middle school and high school, all your forensic ribbons, grade school book from kindergarten thru 8th grade with report cards and picture of you with all your teachers, a baby book that is so full the binding is coming apart. a ring binder with sleeves full of Crazy amounts of different things. It is full of lists of Christmas and birthday gifts, band aides, your birth announcement, the candy bar wrapper from the candy bars we ordered to announce the most wonderful milestone in our lives, your ear tubes, your first haircut, pictures of every year, EVERY MILESTONE.....a little oufit, your hat from the hospital. A whole container that you will never go thru again, never share with a wife, never be able to show to your children, a whole container of things I KNOW YOU CHERISHED THAT I KEPT FOR YOU.
I JUST WANT YOU, I WANT YOU HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I CANT STAND YOU NOT BEING HERE............ITS NOT FAIR THAT THIS PAIN HAS BEEN FORCED UPON US AND IT ISN'T FAIR THAT YOU DIDNT GET A SECOND CHANCE WHEN SO MANY OTHERS GET 3-4.
Mrs. Fairchild
Just alittle bit of Kindergarten
My Kindergarten card
......
I honestly don't see a day when I don't cry at all. I still want to just sit like a crazy person in movies in a padded room with no windows just crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I know I have to live some kind of a life. Whatever life this is that involves, existence, working to make a living, shop for necessities, go out to diner, interact with strangers, hang with friends, smile and breathe. Breathing that is so very hard and such a huge struggle at times. I try so hard to just be in your room and talk to you, but it ends in just a uncontrollable sobbing a internal hysteria. I just sit in your room, looking at your things, looking at the pictures of one of your funeral boards that I hung in there, the dragon fly poster that Audrey had her hubby make for the baseball tournament that honored you.
Your smell...............I know I talk about it all the time, but I DREAD the Day it is not there, but I can tell it is fading without the continued touch of you. Pretty soon I will not have that the one thing that still can give me somewhat of a comfort, a feeling of being as close to you, as I can for having NO LAUGH TO HEAR, NO SMILE TO SEE , NO BODY TO HUG, NO KISSES TO GIVE OR GET, NO BODY, BREATHING, NO LIFE AT ALL, NO BREATH, NO SOUND,NO NOTHING. THAT WILL BE THE FINAL PIECE OF NOT HAVING SOMETHING TANGIBLE. A room full of stuff, shelves of things that you earned, things you bought or were given, clothes you will never wear, a container from college that kept things you used or didn't, a bed you don't ever need again, all things that are just sitting with no purpose. I have a whole Rubbermaid container full to the top with pictures you colored, 1st library card, homework papers, art projects, all your little awards sheets from pre - k, kindergarten thru elementary, then into middle school and high school, all your forensic ribbons, grade school book from kindergarten thru 8th grade with report cards and picture of you with all your teachers, a baby book that is so full the binding is coming apart. a ring binder with sleeves full of Crazy amounts of different things. It is full of lists of Christmas and birthday gifts, band aides, your birth announcement, the candy bar wrapper from the candy bars we ordered to announce the most wonderful milestone in our lives, your ear tubes, your first haircut, pictures of every year, EVERY MILESTONE.....a little oufit, your hat from the hospital. A whole container that you will never go thru again, never share with a wife, never be able to show to your children, a whole container of things I KNOW YOU CHERISHED THAT I KEPT FOR YOU.
I JUST WANT YOU, I WANT YOU HEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I CANT STAND YOU NOT BEING HERE............ITS NOT FAIR THAT THIS PAIN HAS BEEN FORCED UPON US AND IT ISN'T FAIR THAT YOU DIDNT GET A SECOND CHANCE WHEN SO MANY OTHERS GET 3-4.
Mrs. Fairchild 
Just alittle bit of Kindergarten
My Kindergarten card
Saturday, January 16, 2016
21 IS GONE
June 29th the day my world came CRASHING down around me like being BURIED ALIVE, SUFFICATING, GASPING FOR ANY PIECE OF AIR, feeling the earth enclosing my whole being. Since the that day a huge part of me died days have been full of extreme pain. A pain I never was able to understand fully, sad for those who have lost their children but never able to even fathom how they could even go on. I could of never imagined, could of ever thought I would feel the horror of that life Trev, I don't want to know this pain, I hate living this life.
Everyday at one point of another there is a blackness that happens like I have suddenly gone blind, like I leave my body and am drowning in a thick black tarry substance. Days of darkness take over my mind so often, still unable to comprehend that you are actually gone. In my right mind the mind that lives the reality, nightmare of hell I know you are dead, not coming back. My heart feels as though someone is twisting it like a wet rag as tight as they can. In my distraught mind the mind that still doesn't want to accept that your gone forever, the mind that is able to feel every inch of pain in my heart. That mind wants you still to be breathing, to sleep snoring on the couch, to be coming through that door, to antagonize your brother, to make stupid faces, I want you to complain about cleaning your room, about how you would have to shave to get your free meal at work lol. I want you even in a hurry to come down to me at work and kiss me before you would rush out the door cause your late for work. There are so many things I daydream about in that mind that wants so much to just have you alive.
The holidays were hard, but no harder than every single day I open my eyes. The pain never seems to change. With this Sunday coming I actually do feel a different pain. A pain like a arrow being stabbed through my heart, taken out and back in again repeatedly.
The day I found out I was pregnant was like the skies opening up and a rainbow appeared vibrant leading to a pot of gold. That pot of gold contained so may dreams for our child, our baby boy, another human being that could never be loved enough. Pregnant with you. The best thing in the world my 1st pregnancy, I was healthy never sick loved every single minute of it. 20 years I loved you with everything I have, loved watching as you hit milestones, your first tooth, peeing standing up instead of sitting, your first lost tooth, your first stitches, broken bones, the way you grew and learned, the sense of humor that emerged, the array of interests, sports played friends made, hobby's you loved, success you had, the so many different things you achieved with such ease, the list goes on and on. In that 20 short years we tried with everything we are and knew to teach you the things that were necessary to be happy, confident, grow into a caring, loving, self independent, successful, respectful, responsible adult. We taught with personal experiences, concern and most importantly the utmost love and honesty. We never swayed things to make it seem anything other than what it was. You were never perfect and we didn't expect you to be, you made your mistakes and learned lessons from them. We always stressed about smoking, drinking and DRUGS. Along with school, class, teachers, Your Mom and Dad warned you of the serious dangers and outcomes of using or experimenting with all of it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD that was one of the most important things we hoped would stick, would be ingrained into your head. Using the facts we would of hoped it would of scared you enough to heed the warnings we gave.
IT DIDNT TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????????
WHY COULDNT WE TEACH IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT TO WORK??????????????
It wasn't good and we didn't approve, but you smoked cigarettes, you drank, you smoked pot, I would take all of that back if you could only be here. I AM SO VERY DEVASTATED.
This Sunday January 17th is suppose to be the day you would turn 21, change the same number age as your brother till next year. 21 years of being loved and taught right from wrong. Yes legal drinking age but still learning to be a adult, one more year using what we have given you these past 21 years to KEEP YOU SAFE AND ALIVE. THE FAST TRACK is what you believed in and LIVED, FULL BOAR, GIVE IT YOUR ALL, LOVING LIFE FOR THE DAY, DO WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY, NEVER GIVING UP, AND NO FEAR, NO FEAR TREV............ I on one hand am glad you were so happy so into life, doing what most people wish they could do by living each day for what it is. I then wish somehow the great things we taught you INDEPENDENCE AND GREAT CONFIDANCE didn't make you so RECKLESS. That is the part I can't stand to think about. If it wasn't the fast track you lived you would still be with me with us, with your brother.
2015 wasn't a great year and from April when Gram Died was bad but from June on was ThEE worst possible. 2016 is starting with horribleness ( if even a word) you not being here is unbearable and Sunday is supposed to be happy Birthday to you. Happy 21st Birthday to our first born, Where should we eat, lets have a legal drink........
I JUST CAN'T SHED ENOUGH TEARS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN JUST HORRIBLE. MY HEART FEELS THE SHARP SHARDS EVERY TOF IT BEING SHATTERED EVERYTIME I INHALE.
I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND i WISH i COULD GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG AND KISS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
Everyday at one point of another there is a blackness that happens like I have suddenly gone blind, like I leave my body and am drowning in a thick black tarry substance. Days of darkness take over my mind so often, still unable to comprehend that you are actually gone. In my right mind the mind that lives the reality, nightmare of hell I know you are dead, not coming back. My heart feels as though someone is twisting it like a wet rag as tight as they can. In my distraught mind the mind that still doesn't want to accept that your gone forever, the mind that is able to feel every inch of pain in my heart. That mind wants you still to be breathing, to sleep snoring on the couch, to be coming through that door, to antagonize your brother, to make stupid faces, I want you to complain about cleaning your room, about how you would have to shave to get your free meal at work lol. I want you even in a hurry to come down to me at work and kiss me before you would rush out the door cause your late for work. There are so many things I daydream about in that mind that wants so much to just have you alive.
The holidays were hard, but no harder than every single day I open my eyes. The pain never seems to change. With this Sunday coming I actually do feel a different pain. A pain like a arrow being stabbed through my heart, taken out and back in again repeatedly.
The day I found out I was pregnant was like the skies opening up and a rainbow appeared vibrant leading to a pot of gold. That pot of gold contained so may dreams for our child, our baby boy, another human being that could never be loved enough. Pregnant with you. The best thing in the world my 1st pregnancy, I was healthy never sick loved every single minute of it. 20 years I loved you with everything I have, loved watching as you hit milestones, your first tooth, peeing standing up instead of sitting, your first lost tooth, your first stitches, broken bones, the way you grew and learned, the sense of humor that emerged, the array of interests, sports played friends made, hobby's you loved, success you had, the so many different things you achieved with such ease, the list goes on and on. In that 20 short years we tried with everything we are and knew to teach you the things that were necessary to be happy, confident, grow into a caring, loving, self independent, successful, respectful, responsible adult. We taught with personal experiences, concern and most importantly the utmost love and honesty. We never swayed things to make it seem anything other than what it was. You were never perfect and we didn't expect you to be, you made your mistakes and learned lessons from them. We always stressed about smoking, drinking and DRUGS. Along with school, class, teachers, Your Mom and Dad warned you of the serious dangers and outcomes of using or experimenting with all of it. GOOOOOOOOOOOOD that was one of the most important things we hoped would stick, would be ingrained into your head. Using the facts we would of hoped it would of scared you enough to heed the warnings we gave.
IT DIDNT TREVOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ????????
WHY COULDNT WE TEACH IT GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT TO WORK??????????????
It wasn't good and we didn't approve, but you smoked cigarettes, you drank, you smoked pot, I would take all of that back if you could only be here. I AM SO VERY DEVASTATED.
This Sunday January 17th is suppose to be the day you would turn 21, change the same number age as your brother till next year. 21 years of being loved and taught right from wrong. Yes legal drinking age but still learning to be a adult, one more year using what we have given you these past 21 years to KEEP YOU SAFE AND ALIVE. THE FAST TRACK is what you believed in and LIVED, FULL BOAR, GIVE IT YOUR ALL, LOVING LIFE FOR THE DAY, DO WHAT MADE YOU HAPPY, NEVER GIVING UP, AND NO FEAR, NO FEAR TREV............ I on one hand am glad you were so happy so into life, doing what most people wish they could do by living each day for what it is. I then wish somehow the great things we taught you INDEPENDENCE AND GREAT CONFIDANCE didn't make you so RECKLESS. That is the part I can't stand to think about. If it wasn't the fast track you lived you would still be with me with us, with your brother.
2015 wasn't a great year and from April when Gram Died was bad but from June on was ThEE worst possible. 2016 is starting with horribleness ( if even a word) you not being here is unbearable and Sunday is supposed to be happy Birthday to you. Happy 21st Birthday to our first born, Where should we eat, lets have a legal drink........
I JUST CAN'T SHED ENOUGH TEARS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY DIFFERENT THAN JUST HORRIBLE. MY HEART FEELS THE SHARP SHARDS EVERY TOF IT BEING SHATTERED EVERYTIME I INHALE.
I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH AND i WISH i COULD GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG AND KISS FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.
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