Vacation Visit????

Wednesday May 18th, 2016

I thought of you daily, wished so much you were there with us all to enjoy the sun, to laugh, drink, be merry, make memories the way it was supposed to be. Wishing the whole time our life was turned back in time to being able to have you with us, to be 4 of us to have my boys together, to watch my 3 guys interact with each other and other people, horse around, tease, be guyish and just watch as you all loved each other's company.
We were in the pool in the afternoon, I had cried that morning missing you, just yearning for those days of happiness and fullness of having our family as one.
Your dad was to the left of me and Richie was to the right. All the sudden Richie brought it to my attention that there was a dragon fly on my shoulder. a small baby dragon fly, bright blue with bright yellow eyes. sitting on my skin, so light it was weightless and calm so still not scared of me.
I looked and watched waiting for it to take flight but it sat, and sat, and stayed without hesitation grabbed on to my finger as I brought my hand up to it. On to my finger it calmly climbed and I was able to watch as it sat on my finger for the longest time, not twitching , not moving, no it wasn't or didn't seem nervous. Tears immediately streamed down my face. I was unable to hold back the emotions connected with the interaction.
My baby, my Trev............was it you?????????? I want to believe it was, such a coincidence that you were in my emotions that morning. After sitting for a pretty lengthy time the small winged body went to my face and before I could fetch it from my face in a split second it was gone.
your presence was so felt, you were there to let me know you were there with us. Although it was an emotional experienced I felt a calm, a peace of sorts. I am grateful to have had those few moments with what could of been a sign from you, was you?????? Hoping it was all the above.

Thursday May 19th, 2016
We were waiting for our bus to go on our excursion for the day. The excursion consisted of zip lining, climbing Mayan ruins the only ones that are left to actually climb still, swimming in a cenote, visiting a Mayan village, Mayan village shopping with dinner and a Mayan show.
In my mind as we waited I thought to myself maybe I should zip line today, wouldn't it make YOU so proud you would smile so huge. A dragonfly sipped by me as my thoughts were busy with if I should. We traveled arrived and I decided YES today was the day I WAS GOING to DO IT. As I walked up the stairs of the tower I questioned my bravery................. I got strapped onto the cord, the man said ok lift your feet and legs up.................. In my mind I'm thinking to myself I am going to close my eyes and scream, I sat and off the man pushed. The whole time freaking out before I actually had my feet leave the platform. Surprisingly as soon as I lifted my legs I kept my eyes wide open, wasn't nervous, a calmness came over me and I watched my self fly over a huge body of water, high into the air, not crying, not closing my eyes, not screaming jut feeling my hair bow as the wind whipped thru it and I just held you so close to me, your memory, your smiles and the laugh you would of had when you hugged me and told me you were so proud of me.
After all the excitement and busy day we went to a restaurant and had dinner with a Mayan Show. Right before they served dinner on the chair kind of in back of me, but to the side of me was an EXACT SMALL BRIGHT BLUE, WITH BRIGHT YELLOW EYES BABY DRAGON FLY coincidence ???????????????? I have to say NO. IT WAS A SIGN FROM YOU........ I MISS YOU SO TERRIBLY BAD, THE PAIN TO THIS DAY IS EXCRUSITATING. MY HEART IS SO EXTREMEMLY BROKEN. I HATE THAT THIS IS MY REALITY, MY LIFE, MY EXISTANCE. I JUST WISH ITH ALL I AM THT YOU COULD BE BACK HERE.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day....... These pictures are what I have left from my last mothers day with my 2 children, 2 souls and lives I carried inside me, took care of, nurtured, taught, loved Unconditionally. Yet even though I tried my hardest to mother these men. I fell short by one of them. I was unable to teach well enough, I didn't reach the most inner part of one of them. He didn't hear me, he didn't worry, He didn't sway, He wasn't scared, he didn't think, he didn't worry, he never thought, his thoughts were he always had it all..............

This day was so happy, so fun to try and capture all these faces, moments in time I will NEVER be able to have again, NEVER be able to duplicate. My boys, my life. The 2 of you are never anything less than my world, my universe. I from the time I saw your faces for the 1st time till present you have been nothing less than the loves of my life. The ultimate happiness, the shine in my sun, the glue that holds my heart as a whole.

 

Faded Memory 4-29-2016

                                              Trev I KNOW I saw you and talked to you in my sleep last night. I can remember half waking up and knowing I needed to write it in my book, but fell back to sleep before actually getting up to get my book. I can only remember Gram Gen was in there and she was driving!!!! LOL DRIVING funny right? since she never had her license. I for the life of me can't remember what exact role you played. I just have the I know feeling you were there I JUST KNOW I TALKED AND SAW YOU, like no it clear but knew it was you, just so blurry now.
                                               Gram Gen Is she actually with you? R U with her? Who else is there? seeing her I wasnt even sad because your presence meant everything to me. I wish I could have clear visions like dreams all day long. see you move, talk, touch me, hug me, kiss me on the cheek like EVERYDAY................. It makes me so happy to hear you laugh, see your smile. I can't even describe how my heart just beats a million miles a hour, and then within second of realizing or waking I burst out into a full out sob.  I know I know why. I am beyond the mad at you part ( right now) don't know if it will come back at points. I am in the only mode I know how to be and that is MISSING YOU, WANTING YOU BACK, STILL WONDERING ,SAYING WHY TREVOR? I CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE THAT THIS HAPPENED, HOW I DESPISE THAT YOUR GONE. Trev I don't even know sometimes what I feel. Nothing makes it better, no words, no hugs, no kisses, no prayers, no hoping, no memories, no nothing will even make this better. The ONLY and ONLY thing that would bounce me back would be to have you here with us. Since that will never happen. I will never be able to recover. I don't feel it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This sadness is so destructible, so very painful like a hard like a sharp rod impaling my chest.

306 DAYS 10 MOTHS AND 1 DAY

                             WHAT IS THERE TO SAY?????????????

THERE CAN'T AND WILL NOT EVER BE TOO MUCH OF OVER AND OVER. NEVER TOO MUCH OF HOW I LOVE YOU.  

THE EXTENT OF THE PAIN, MISSING YOU, AND THE LONG LOST DAYS LONGING TO HAVE YOU BACK ARE INDEFINATE TREVOR!!!!

MY MIND IN REALITY KNOWS YOU ARE GONE FOREVER AND CANT COME BACK, BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD ITS TOLD, MY HEART

CANNOT COMPREHEND.

Today marks another month, another 29th day that you are gone, that we miss you , that our hearts break on that continuous revolving wheel of time, horrendous pain and the never ending sadness.

I hadn't had a sleep vision ( what some call dreams ) since March 13th.  I was having so many and then all the sudden they were gone, gone from the usual nightly or few in a week. I WANTED YOU TO COME.... IS IT A VISITATION CAUSE IF SO I DESERVE ONE TREVOR. LISTEN TO ME, I WANT TO SEE YOU, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, SEE YOUR SMILE, HEAR YOU, I WANT IT ALL.

Yes I end up crying , sobbing breaking totally down every time, but I don't want them to stop.

I'm not forgetting you, I'm NOT mad at you HONEY, I am mad that you are not, here but I LOVE YOU. I want the slightest bit of you ANYTHING, ANYTHING I CAN HAVE.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASE DON'T STOP COMING TO ME.

I woke this morning about 5:05am. As I lay there my mind races. I think about your baseball tourney. Will we be able to make it the success that the Campagna's and all your friends made it last year?

We want to be able to donate, donate TO CHARITIES in your name,  A TREVOR HOLMES SCHOLARSHIP to someone deserving.

 

Anyway I must of thought myself to sleep again. I realized after waking again at 5:45am that I did see you that you did come to me, that you talked to me, I talked to you. even though it wasn't a clear vision of your face it was your voice, your being that was talking back to me.
I dreamt that there was another puppy in our home....... I know your dad will choke me......lol I don't remember the whole thing but remember looking up ansd saying to you where did this some from????? It was another wire kennel folded down, as I knelt and was opening it I also noticed a carrier like a tiny dog would be carried in................ WTH anyway you replied to me FISH!!!!!, Meaning Micheal Kaifish you got it from Kaifish? I said and as you were getting ready to answer me I woke.  DAMMIT. I cried as soon as I realized it was you I saw you I heard you, I didn't have a clear vision like usual but it was you. The now recent time you come after I ask you ............... I have you and your gone just like that. NOT AGAIN, its like losing you over and over. Is it torture to want this? Is it stupid? I don't think so. Why do I want these visions, visits,
BECAUSE I MISS YOU LIKE THE OCEAN WOULD MISS THE WATER,
AND THE UNIVERSE WOULD MISS THE STARS.
I WISH IT WAS TRUE, I KNEW WE WERE AND I FELT IT.
 
I JUST MISS YOU, THERES NO DIFFERENT WAY TO SAY IT, TO KNOW IT TO FEEL IT. I HATE IT I HATE MISSING YOU, NOT HAVING YOU HEAR FOR ME TO LOOK AT IT, TO HUG AND KISS AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU. 

The closer it gets

          As vacation has gotten closer we have brought up the suitcases.  Obviously we cannot keep them in our room due to limited space from kennels for our horses.  I hope you don't mind we have taken over some of your room for our preparation.  On a everyday basis I go into your room its a struggle. Going in there to plan to go away for what is supposed to be a vacation with our children is overwhelmingly torturous.  I am grateful we are going with friends very close, great friends ( Richie and Amy  and Troy and Vanessa) I am also grateful that Ky can take a friend, but YOU should be his other half, YOU should be a part of it all.  We should be paying for YOU to go too. Your brother should be able to have laughs with YOU, to hangout with YOU. He should be able to hear all about YOUR escapades around the resort. We should be able to laugh at YOUR antics, YOUR humor, the stories we could tell when we get home of yYOUR special personality traits that make/ made YOU the original you are ( were ).
                  So many memories from our past vacations flood my mind.  So many happy times, but being happy about them in the past knowing there wont be anymore is something I can't bring myself to accept.  I HATE THAT I HAVE NO CHOICE AND HAVE TO LIVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! People say I am strong, that I am being positive. I DONT FEEL it I feel like my world has crashed down around me and I am struggling to get that little bit of air thru a straw like opening.  Sucking trying to inhale enough oxygen as to not pass out.  My chest constantly feels like it has a huge boulder with a giant sitting on top of it, bouncing, with my heart just waiting for that one last bounce. My heart literally hurts, my head painful with pressure of so many memories horrendous visions overtaking every nerve in there. I WANT SO MUCH TO BE ABLE TO TRUELY SMILE AND FEEL HAPPY INSIDE. I smile and laugh.... but every minute I want it to be because you are here, because the nightmare is over, because we can see you, your face, your smile, your eyes, hear your laughs, your jokes.
                STRENGTH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS REALLY...... I DON'T KNOW HOW OTHER PARENTS GET ON WITH THE NEW ( as they say ) or DIFFERENT LIVES. I DON'T want a new life Trevor............ Sometimes I feel like I CAN"T live this life or the life I am supposed to be able to live. I am forced to open my eyes every morning, get out of bed to pay the bills.  I do know laying in bed isn't good for me and it does nothing to help me, but doesn't mean my whole being couldn't do it day after day. 
              Like I said Trevor, I know you would want me to have a good time on Vacation, I will dance, laugh, smile, but inside you will be there every second of my days looking into the sunny sky and my nights looking up into the stars.

 

NO MATTER HOW HIGH, WHAT SPACE, WHAT FORM,

YOU ARE....

I HOLD YOUR HEART SO TIGHT IN MINE, YOUR LOVE IN MY SOUL, AND YOUR MEMORIES

WITHIN MY MIND

FOREVER AND FOREVER.

LOVE YOUR MOM

XOXOXOXOX

 
 

So Much Yearning

 April 10th 2:50am early morning family gathered around a wonderful woman who would be your Great Gramma Gen, I stood at the side of her holding her hand whilst she took her last breath.  I stood on the side of the bed as I watched her intently not wanting her to go but for her to be out of pain from the cancers that ate through her body.
                                     WHO WOULD OF THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
                                                                                               81 Days                                            
                                                                                               2 Months and 20 Days
                                                                                               11 weeks and 4 days
                                                                                               1944 hours 
                                                                                               116,640 minutes
                                                                                               6,998,400 seconds
                 TO THE DAY I FOUND OUT YOU WERE DEAD..................................
Losing one of the most loved women in my life was extremely hard. Even though she was ill for a very long time and we slowly watch her waste away. You just are never ready to say that last goodbye.

BUT..........I did get that chance to tell her I loved her and tell her it was ok to go, that I would always love her, that I would never forget how much she helped me with her 2 oldest Great Grandsons! How I would miss her terribly.
                                      TREVOR .....................I GOT THAT CHANCE!!!!!!
I NEVER wanted that chance with you, not that I got it cause I got nothing. All I got was the run around from the police station AFTER CALLING SEVERAL TIMES saying I'm sorry I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE.....cant give you any information over the phone?????????? We would like you to come to the station so we can talk to you........
WHAT?  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  IS MY SON ARRESTED OR WHAT? WAS HE IS A ACCIDENT?  IS HE OK? WHATS WRONG?  CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME HE IS OK??????????????? 

                                      So saying goodbye to others in my life some harder than OTHERS.
BUT YOU TREVOR, LOSING YOU IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER EXPLAIN TO ANYBODY WITH THE TRUE UNIMAGINABLE, MOST ENORMOUS PAIN AND THE FEELING OF BEING BREATHLESS IN A WORLD OF JUST GETTING THRU. 
WHEN? TREV WILL I BE DIFFERENT. I CAN'T LIVE MY NEW LIFE AND ACCEPT IT. I JUST CAN'T. IT'S NOT BETTER, EASIER, LESS PAINLESS, USED TO IT, NEW, DIFFERENT, 
DIFFERENT IS NOT WORKING NOW AND NEW THAT IS A UNACCEPTABLE UNFATHOMABLE WORD. 
I'M JUST TIRED TREV JUST TIRED. 
XXXXXXXXOOOOOOO
Your Mom


          

Thinking and RETHINKING

             Today as I sat on the couch in the front room looking out the window. Your 11x14 senior picture was positioned on the end table a little crooked but I could still see the 1 in a million smile.
I am home alone your Brother working at the police station and Dad at bowling.
          So I sit slouched against the back of the couch with my arm up and my face in my hand. As I gaze out the window I realize my eyes are looking outward but drawn in to look at your face, gaze out the window and start to think of so many things. My mind it's so full of so many things. Its like a flip book with no time frame. Pictures flash of you young, baby, to older, to a baby, to a teenager to football, to your birthday parties, you and your brother, you and your dad, and in between the bad images that I cannot shake out of my mind no matter how hard I try.
          Today my thoughts included going back in time, yes I would love it to be of happier times but it was to your funeral. Even though it all seems so foggy, there are clearer moments. I Never left the spot I was in. I  was told of the enormity of it all but never saw how many people showed their care and concern. I didn't go to the bathroom, I believe I greeted every person, I know I told every child that came thru the line. Even if you fight and sometimes don't deal well with rules etc. PLEASE TO NEVER DO THIS TO THEIR PARENTS along with how miserable they would be, how broken, lost and empty. I didn't eat anything except for a piece of cheese that I remember I didn't even want to eat. that do to I would have to be in hundreds of peoples faces. I didn't know some people but I was told that I greeted everyone personally and hugged each one. I  just think of myself, looking from the outside in at me. So out of it drugged, drugged with one of the types of pills that killed you. I didn't know at the time or I wouldn't of even taken it. Im sorry Trev I was so out of it. I can barely deal well now, much less 9 days after the day we found out you were dead. I just needed something to keep me from falling into the arms of every single person who told me they were sorry.
       I go back to that night walking in and seeing you dressed and looking so handsome. JESUS COME ON REALLY DAWN HANDSOME????? You were though Yes Dead ugly and still so beautiful to me. I think about how I didn't want to even have your grandparents go to you, how I didn't want to share you, I didn't want anyone touching you, talking to you, standing by you, I just didn't want that night to be real, but if it had to be then I didn't want anyone else taking my last night with you away from me. Should I have stood by your side, right next to you, letting your dad greet people and me just to worry about you and only you? Why though right I mean what was going to happen to you? Its not like you were going to get hurt, or people would pick on you or I DONT EVEN KNOW what I AM thinking right now. Babble can you say Babble.
         I ask myself a lot should I have gotten up and said something to the rooms full of people, should Even though people did get up SHOULD I HAVE told them how amazing you were, how much I LOVED YOU, HOW MY WORLD IS SO SHATTERED, BUT THAT I APPRECIATE ALL OF THEIR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, SHOULDERS, GIFTS, HUGS, EARS, CARDS, MONETARY DONATIONS, SO MUCH THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THIS NIGHT???????
I KNOW people know my thoughts but sometimes I feel like I should of made an effort to make my way to the mic and say something. Looking back I really don't know if I could of made it up there without falling, screaming PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
making a total spectacle out of myself embarrassing your dad and brother.
I am so lost Trevor my emotions so desperate that maybe even right now I would take that night back just to have you with me, to touch your face, even if a shell, I would accept that shell to feel my baby's skin, just to be able to TALK TO YOU in your ear, yes you wouldn't hear me but I could whisper in your ear, brush your hair off your forehead with my fingers, so I could kiss your forehead nonstop telling you HOW MUCH I FING LOVE YOU. I HAVE NOTHING TREVOR NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTHING! I have your ashes, well the urn's shell is cold and hard and even though you were too I had you still on this earth. I THINK ALL THE TIME HOW YOUR DAD HAD TO LEAD ME AWAY OUT OF IT, EXAUSTED AND SOBBING OUT OF THE ROOM. I WOULD OF STAYED TREVOR............. I WOULD OF STAYED TILL THE LAST MINUTE WITH YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A BROKEN RECORD BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU BACK............... O HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE 1 WISH JUST 1.