So Much Yearning

 April 10th 2:50am early morning family gathered around a wonderful woman who would be your Great Gramma Gen, I stood at the side of her holding her hand whilst she took her last breath.  I stood on the side of the bed as I watched her intently not wanting her to go but for her to be out of pain from the cancers that ate through her body.
                                     WHO WOULD OF THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
                                                                                               81 Days                                            
                                                                                               2 Months and 20 Days
                                                                                               11 weeks and 4 days
                                                                                               1944 hours 
                                                                                               116,640 minutes
                                                                                               6,998,400 seconds
                 TO THE DAY I FOUND OUT YOU WERE DEAD..................................
Losing one of the most loved women in my life was extremely hard. Even though she was ill for a very long time and we slowly watch her waste away. You just are never ready to say that last goodbye.

BUT..........I did get that chance to tell her I loved her and tell her it was ok to go, that I would always love her, that I would never forget how much she helped me with her 2 oldest Great Grandsons! How I would miss her terribly.
                                      TREVOR .....................I GOT THAT CHANCE!!!!!!
I NEVER wanted that chance with you, not that I got it cause I got nothing. All I got was the run around from the police station AFTER CALLING SEVERAL TIMES saying I'm sorry I CAN'T GIVE YOU ANY INFORMATION OVER THE PHONE.....cant give you any information over the phone?????????? We would like you to come to the station so we can talk to you........
WHAT?  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  IS MY SON ARRESTED OR WHAT? WAS HE IS A ACCIDENT?  IS HE OK? WHATS WRONG?  CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL ME HE IS OK??????????????? 

                                      So saying goodbye to others in my life some harder than OTHERS.
BUT YOU TREVOR, LOSING YOU IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER EXPLAIN TO ANYBODY WITH THE TRUE UNIMAGINABLE, MOST ENORMOUS PAIN AND THE FEELING OF BEING BREATHLESS IN A WORLD OF JUST GETTING THRU. 
WHEN? TREV WILL I BE DIFFERENT. I CAN'T LIVE MY NEW LIFE AND ACCEPT IT. I JUST CAN'T. IT'S NOT BETTER, EASIER, LESS PAINLESS, USED TO IT, NEW, DIFFERENT, 
DIFFERENT IS NOT WORKING NOW AND NEW THAT IS A UNACCEPTABLE UNFATHOMABLE WORD. 
I'M JUST TIRED TREV JUST TIRED. 
XXXXXXXXOOOOOOO
Your Mom


          

Thinking and RETHINKING

             Today as I sat on the couch in the front room looking out the window. Your 11x14 senior picture was positioned on the end table a little crooked but I could still see the 1 in a million smile.
I am home alone your Brother working at the police station and Dad at bowling.
          So I sit slouched against the back of the couch with my arm up and my face in my hand. As I gaze out the window I realize my eyes are looking outward but drawn in to look at your face, gaze out the window and start to think of so many things. My mind it's so full of so many things. Its like a flip book with no time frame. Pictures flash of you young, baby, to older, to a baby, to a teenager to football, to your birthday parties, you and your brother, you and your dad, and in between the bad images that I cannot shake out of my mind no matter how hard I try.
          Today my thoughts included going back in time, yes I would love it to be of happier times but it was to your funeral. Even though it all seems so foggy, there are clearer moments. I Never left the spot I was in. I  was told of the enormity of it all but never saw how many people showed their care and concern. I didn't go to the bathroom, I believe I greeted every person, I know I told every child that came thru the line. Even if you fight and sometimes don't deal well with rules etc. PLEASE TO NEVER DO THIS TO THEIR PARENTS along with how miserable they would be, how broken, lost and empty. I didn't eat anything except for a piece of cheese that I remember I didn't even want to eat. that do to I would have to be in hundreds of peoples faces. I didn't know some people but I was told that I greeted everyone personally and hugged each one. I  just think of myself, looking from the outside in at me. So out of it drugged, drugged with one of the types of pills that killed you. I didn't know at the time or I wouldn't of even taken it. Im sorry Trev I was so out of it. I can barely deal well now, much less 9 days after the day we found out you were dead. I just needed something to keep me from falling into the arms of every single person who told me they were sorry.
       I go back to that night walking in and seeing you dressed and looking so handsome. JESUS COME ON REALLY DAWN HANDSOME????? You were though Yes Dead ugly and still so beautiful to me. I think about how I didn't want to even have your grandparents go to you, how I didn't want to share you, I didn't want anyone touching you, talking to you, standing by you, I just didn't want that night to be real, but if it had to be then I didn't want anyone else taking my last night with you away from me. Should I have stood by your side, right next to you, letting your dad greet people and me just to worry about you and only you? Why though right I mean what was going to happen to you? Its not like you were going to get hurt, or people would pick on you or I DONT EVEN KNOW what I AM thinking right now. Babble can you say Babble.
         I ask myself a lot should I have gotten up and said something to the rooms full of people, should Even though people did get up SHOULD I HAVE told them how amazing you were, how much I LOVED YOU, HOW MY WORLD IS SO SHATTERED, BUT THAT I APPRECIATE ALL OF THEIR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, SHOULDERS, GIFTS, HUGS, EARS, CARDS, MONETARY DONATIONS, SO MUCH THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO THIS NIGHT???????
I KNOW people know my thoughts but sometimes I feel like I should of made an effort to make my way to the mic and say something. Looking back I really don't know if I could of made it up there without falling, screaming PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
making a total spectacle out of myself embarrassing your dad and brother.
I am so lost Trevor my emotions so desperate that maybe even right now I would take that night back just to have you with me, to touch your face, even if a shell, I would accept that shell to feel my baby's skin, just to be able to TALK TO YOU in your ear, yes you wouldn't hear me but I could whisper in your ear, brush your hair off your forehead with my fingers, so I could kiss your forehead nonstop telling you HOW MUCH I FING LOVE YOU. I HAVE NOTHING TREVOR NOOOOTTTTTTTTTTHING! I have your ashes, well the urn's shell is cold and hard and even though you were too I had you still on this earth. I THINK ALL THE TIME HOW YOUR DAD HAD TO LEAD ME AWAY OUT OF IT, EXAUSTED AND SOBBING OUT OF THE ROOM. I WOULD OF STAYED TREVOR............. I WOULD OF STAYED TILL THE LAST MINUTE WITH YOU. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE A BROKEN RECORD BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU BACK............... O HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE 1 WISH JUST 1.

Being MAD< ANGRY.

 I LOVE AND MISS U so much my mind, body and soul is just tired, so very tired Trevor. I now sleep better but even with a nights sleep I wake to already being exausted, I drag thru the days just wanting this to b over. I wish there were directions ,  a list, something to make me move to the next number, what to do, what and how to feel, just SOMETHING to make it go away. The pain is like deafening noise, like a jack hammer sound with my head being slammed against a wall. I'm so sad, broken, curious, I'm confused, lost, numb, I'm so mad. Angry, I just want to be able to scream at the top of my lungs at you. I want to know for sure you know what hell you have left us, what this has done to our family to each of us individually. I want to know you are sorry, that you were stupid, that you knew right from wrong. I want to be able to hear you, HEAR YOUR VOICE TALK TO ME and tell me that maybe, MAYBE one day I won't cry every single day, one day I'll b able to walk into your room without feeling so overwhelmed I sob, one day I'll remeber you with happiness and smiles. I WANT SO MUCH THAT I CAN'T HAVE AND IT'S NOT FAIR TREVOR. NOT FAIR TO YOUR DAD, YOUR BROTHER AND YOU MOMMY. I HATE being angry at you I want someone else to blame. Yes in the big picture I can blame the drug dealer, but he's in prison and ya know what? He will get out this epidemic will go on and more people will die. This was YOUR STUPID DECISION, YES ASSHOLES, BASTARDS, M-----F------, THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE SELLIING, GETTING, GIVING U WAS possibly going to KILL YOU they did it ANYWAYS.
YA! NICE FRIENDS...... ( SO CALLED) AND A FEW YOU GREW UP WITH WHO WE WOULD OF THOUGHT WERE OK GUYS. I /WE HAVE A TOTALLY DEFFIERENT VIEW ON YOU. I am mad at your stupidity, judgment, where was your highly intellegent decision making, WHY did you think they were friends? TREVOR??????????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY are we left in this life that revolves around the sadness of you not being here. I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE YOU R JUST NOT ENOUGH IT'S BEYOND LOVE. 

YOUR little BROTHER

 
 
 
TREVOR, 
Do you know your Brother talks to you?
Do you know that your Brother visits your room?
Do you know that your Brother lays in your bed?
Do you know your Brother has to go to Therapy?
Do you know that your Brother misses your Teasing?
Do you know that your Brother misses your comment of " U wanta see something cool? when you mooned him?
Do you know that your Brother hates that he isn't bothered by your sarcastic remarks?
Do you know your Brother would take back all his shut ups?
Do you know that would welcome all your antagonizing?
Do you know that your Brother doesn't like to mention you in fear of upsetting me?
Do you know that your Brother wants to start Golfing this Spring?
Do you know that your Brother doesn't have his golf partner?
Do you know your Brother DREADS the days because he knows you are not here?
Do you know your Brother wears some of your shirts?
Do you know that your Brother has pictures of the two of you in his room?
Do you know that your Brother Remembers you playing POKE MON?
Do you know your Brother remembers trips we took?
Do you know your Brother remembers Disney shows , Sea World rainy day, Indian Rocks Beach when you would push him around on the beach.
Do you know your Brother still laughs when you lost our Keys to our Condo in Florida on one of our trips.
Do you know that Your brother still laughs at your drunken stupper pee in the bed MAKE OUT WITH A NEWLY MARRIED WOMAN incident in Punta Cana, swimming in the middle of the ocean with the sharks, Zip lining when the zip line guy called you a loser. LOL
Do you know your Brother has to pass your empty room everyday?
Do you know your Brother is sad?
Do you know that your Brother is doing great in school?
Do you know that your Brother is doing awesome being a Aid for Oak Creek Police Dept?
Do you know that your Brother is trying to make a difference, he plans to make a difference?
Do you know that you would be EXTREMELY PROUD of your little Brother in the life decisions he is making.
Do you know that he would take you back in a millisecond?
Do you know that your Brother lays around for days, he says its because he is so tired.
Do you know THAT IS NOT WHY? HES BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THAT IS WHY.
DO YOU KNOW HE CRYS, HE CRYS TREVOR.................

DO YOU KNOW HE WOULD TAKE BACK ALL THE TIMES YOU WOULD ANTAGONIZE HIM AND HE WOULD PUSH YOU AWAY YOUR HUGS, AND KISSES INSTEAD SAYING EWWW GROSS.

***DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE A GAZILLION MORE THINGS I COULD MENTION??????

YOU WERE HIS OTHER HALF TREV, THE PERSON WHO WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIS LITTLE BROTHER TO SHARE ALL KINDS OF STUFF, 1ST CONCERT, HOLIDAYS,BIRTHDAYS, FAIRS, SECRETS, HANGING OUT, MAKING FUN OF DAD, LAUGH, GIGGLE, MAKE JOKES, SHARE FRIENDS, MOVIE COMMENTS, WATCHING TV, ALL YOUR ANTICS.
HIS OTHER HALF YOU IS ALL HE KNEW HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO NOT KNOW HOW IT WITHOUT YOU.

DO YOU KNOW TREVOR????
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR POOR LITTLE BROTHER THINKS, HOW HURT HE IS, HOW SHATTERED HIS HEART IS, HOW HE HAS QUESTIONS THAT HE WILL NE VER HAVE ANSWERS TO, HOW HE WONDERS WHY??????????????
WHY YOU DID THIS
WHY YOU DIDNT SHARE
WHY YOU ARE DEAD
HOW THIS COULD HAPPEN?
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOUR BROTHER IS LOST WITHOUT YOU?
I'M SO ANGRY YOU, YOU HAVE LEFT US BUT HAVE LEFT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER AND HE HAS TO LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITHOUT.
EVEN THOUGH IM MAD,I STILL LOVE YOU AND STILL WANT YOU BACK,  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS
SCREAMING I WANT YOU BACK

RACING THOUGHTS

I am up since 12:30. I am still sick, been closed for a week, so tomorrow back to reality. I only have 3 days but the last week being off gives u nothing but time. I wish it were happy things to reflect on, but my days are consumed with the happiness and extremely proud of Ky. He has been stronger than I thought he could be. I know he visits Trevs room frequently and he now knows some how he will c him again somehow whatever that belief might b. As for me well we won't get into it. 
   So my mind has been racing since about 11 this morning. I know it was something that would b super hard finally getting his phone from the detective.  my curiosity made me search his phone.
   I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE, SCARED OF THINGS I MIGHT C, READ. THE REALITY THAT TREVOR WAS HEADED DOWN A TRECTHROUS ROAD. I KNOW WHO HE WAS HANGING WITH, WHO WAS GIVING HIM DRUGS, WHO ARE NOT, NOT ,NOT HIS FRIENDS NO MATTER WHAT U MIGHT THINK ( YOUR SAD A POOR SOUL U THINK IS CALLED A FRIEND. ALONG WITH SOME PARENTS WHO R IN GREENFIELD WHO R GIVING OUR CHILDREN DRUGS YOUR A SAD EXISTANCE OF A BREATHING NOT EVEN A decent body not even a human, or PARENT) I THINK ABOUT THE REAL FRIENDS, PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT HIM (FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!) He lLIVED 2 LIVES AND DID IT WELL. At HOME, AROUND HIS REAL FRIENDS, WORK AND AROUND THE LONELY LOSERS HE WAS INVOLVED WITH. HE DID IT SO WELL THERE WAS NOTHING TO SPARK ANY WORRY. THE DEAD BEAT ASS-----THAT DIDNT SAVE MY BABY WHO LET HIM STOP BREATHING AND FALL, FALL SO LOW IT WAS TOO LATE. WHHHYYYYYYYY COULDN'T HIS MOM KNOW HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT.  I AM HURT SO HURT, MAD, CONFUSED JUST THE PAIN ENORMOUS. MY THOUGHTS RACING, HIM ALIVE, THE LAST TIME I TALKED TO HIM, THE WORRY THAT HE DIDN'T GO TO WORK, That I Texted him WHERE R U????????? WITH NO RESPONSE TO ME COLAPSING ON THE CONCRETE, TO HEARING MY BABY IS DEAD .... WHAT?????? IT CAN'T BE NOOOOOO, TO PLANNING FLOWERS A CASKET, SEEING HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME SCREAMING MY BABY, PLEASE NO TREVOR !!!!!! NOOOOOOO !!!!! THE CLOTHES HE SHOULD WEAR, THE PEOPLE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE WHO CAME TO OUR HOUSE THAT NIGHT. FRIENDS FILLING OUR WHOLE DINING, KITCHEN IN HIS ROOM DRINKING A FEW BEERS MAKING A TOWER, THE HUNDREDS UPON HUNDREDS OF TRUELY CARING PEOPLE WHO CAME (with the exception of those I know now ASSHOLES who came to MY BABYS FUNERAL WITH DRUGS U KNOW WHO U R AND SO DO I FUCKING LOSERS. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO CAME THAT I DONT KNOW YOUR FUCKING LOSERS TOO and SOMEONE WHO HAD THE GALL TO TAKE PICTURES OF MY BABY DEAD IN HIS CASKET ( YOU ASSHOLE) TO DREADING THE DAY/NIGHT I WOULD LAST BE ABLE TO TOUCH HIS FACE, TO KISS HIM WITH NO RESPONSE TO ASK HIM WHY OVER AND OVER TO TELL HIM I WAS SORRY TO TELL HIM HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM, I AM LOST TREV
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THAT ROOM, I DIDN'T WANT TO STOP TOUCHING YOU EVEN IF YOUR FACE STARTED TO GET BLOTCHY. I WANTED TO STAY WITH U I LOVE YOU, MISS YOU MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

The Days End

                 So many days have gone by since I last filled you in on my thoughts, feelings, babbling, blubbering, feeling of total lost, broken, sadness, A life that sucks without you here.
                 I think about you day after day, repeat over and over and over each minute and second that passes I can't help but to talk to myself, talk to you and again NO FING ANSWER. I JUST WANT THAT ANSWER, A ANSWER, SOME KIND OF ANSWER, JUST TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN
I WOULD GIVE AND DO ANYTHING TREVOR ANYTHING!!!!!!! I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE TO HAVE THAT IF IT WERE ONY FOR A SECOND JUST ONE WORD I WOULD GIVE IT ALL. 
                           Some days you know, I know you are gone, but I think these thoughts. Are they happy? They could be in another time, a real time.( it's really pretending) a story of sorts, not living in this moment in this world, living in some happy world a world that is in my mind. I try to make myself believe you will be home in t- minutes, come to me, call me, text me.  I really do know you aren't coming home. Then as I try to live in my make believe story, reality starts to mix in and the pretend starts to erase and the now comes into focus. Today I was in your room, Dad was at work and Ky was out of town. I started on my feet and before I knew it I was on my knees screaming at you, crying and screaming WHY.oh gosh hell be home sometime soon NO, NO HE WON'T DAWWWWWN GET A GRIP, U HAVE TO BELIEVE WHAT U ALREADY KNOW

Real OR Not

                                                 This just so happens to be from a week or so ago.

Today I woke up still kinda in a fog thinking it was Sat or a weekend day, although really knowing oh gosh it really isn't, Its still the work week a Fri. UGH EVERYDAY is a lets get thru this kinda day. Constantly thinking to myself .....lets get thru this, lets get thru this party, this visit, this dinner, this shopping trip, this appt, this family T.V. show, this encounter, this morning that you would make the trip to me to say I LOVE YOU with a KISS and HUG and off to work, Lets get thru this question, look, hour, minute, second. This feeling is so exhausting, not thinking makes your brain tired, Thinking makes your mind and heart explode with pain. I hate feeling or not feeling,  do I want to feel ?, I wish I could think and feel normal, what is the normal now? how can I make that happen? Trevor WHY do we have to feel this? I still look at pictures of nn you and its wonderful to see your happy face, smile ,sparkle. In an instant though that beautiful face will turn to the horrific image of you not living, no life in you. I HATE THIS FEELING< THOUGHT< IMAGE
                                               How can you really know something is what it is and really have it be something totally different but its real. Yea I don't know how you can actually know something is really real, but then on the other hand have it seem like something so very different
Days for me are so jumbled together, confusing, foggy, slow moving,