Just 1 Wish

                 This morning as I was waking up getting the groggy out the first thing I thought of was YOU........ It's my 45th Birthday..... I am a mom of 2 and today I will get hugs and kisses from one of my wonderful children. I'm not going to get my hug from behind with a kiss on my cheek like you would usually do. You would hug me with your cheek to mine with  a ohhhhhhhhhhh Mom... Happy Birthday...... I LOVE YOU...... Instead of a hug, kiss and lots of smiles, Your dad went with me to visit your memory plate that the Fennig's purchased at the Nature Preserve. We stood appreciating it and just stared at it. We cried, and hugged and cried some more. My head pressed to your dads chest so hard with my tears never ending.  We held each other so tight and just agreed it shouldn't be. There shouldn't have to be this plate. You should be here to go to my dinner choice tonight. Your dad said you were just a shooting star, Outgoing, Brave, Fast and Reckless..................
         RECKLESS is why you aren't hear to hug me. Pushing everything to the limit. This day one of the many firsts of you not being here. It SUCKS, ITS HARD, IT IS RIPPING MY HEART IN ALL DIRECTIONS. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!  I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH.
           I just wanted to hold you all day, not just your pillow like usual, but you. The urn that sits on top of our TV. I'm sure some would think WTF that is just weird......I myself find it kind of odd, but that is WHAT IS YOU NOW. THATS IT!  THATS ALL I HAVE. It is a hard cold container of your whole self. well..... with your casket and all we left inside for you. I just, just don't want this to be .I know it is what it is and its not going to change. WHY do I keep saying this, even to myself. I know you can't and aren't coming back. I DON'T WANT YOU ON MY TV for my birthday. I want you HERE, HERE with US ....Me your dad and your brother just hanging out and spending our time together. MY day is supposed to be good, relaxing, simple, full of happiness because I have my guys in my life.
           I am so very happy that I have your dad and your brother. I am grateful to be able to spend dinner with them and sit together tonight. Your brother came to me today...    Arms stretched out with a smile on his face and said " Moooooom Happy 20th birthday. He made me smile so big hugging him so tight knowing he is missing you just as much as I am. He is struggling now it is at the point he is now struggling because you are not here. You should be here too. I would of loved the hug that you both would do, each of you with your arms around me, heads down with your I LOVE YOU'S. We should not have to be sad, miss you, not have you here, have empty pits in ours stomachs, broken shattered hearts, horrible memories of the what ifs, should be's. 

MY ONE WISH THE ONLY WISH I WOULD WISH CAN'T BE, WON'T BE, IS IMPOSSIBLE. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY FRICKEN BIRTHDAY TO ME
 
I am just so tired so very tired of everyday missing you more than the last.

Simple Pleasures

                   There have been years of simpler days....... Right now at this moment and moments before this and the moments after I wish those simple days still existed.  Holding so tight the early days of simple. The ONLY CHILD moments. Being pregnant enjoying every second of every move, kick, hiccup, Holding you, feeding you and getting lost in those big brown eyes gazing into mine. ME and YOU time. All about us... daddy at work and no rush to do anything but love each other. Me loving you more than I could of ever imagined loving something. Laying on the floor just admiring your little face, every movement and sound you make. Passing on the smallest bits and pieces of my knowledge to you, facial expressions, smiles, laughing.  Teaching you baby basics of Sitting, crawling, standing, walking.  So long ago and soooooooo fricking very simple. EVERY cardiologist and doctor appt, field trip, play, holiday ,concert, game, award. Trips to movies, to friends houses, fairs, pools, parties, shopping, vacations. Experiencing you......The times you cried, laughed, The kisses that made the hurt feel better the hugs the tighter the better. Showing you how much you were loved and supported. Enjoying every minute knowing you are my son, a healthy baby, growing into a bright and cute toddler, You show a young personality of spunk, my son a young man who is accomplishing so many things at one time. fulfilling dreams of a loving, caring, determined high schooler. A Boy who had so many friends of all walks of life, never judging and accepting people for the individual they are versus who people think they should be. A teenager who was NEVER, NEVER EVER embarrassed to hug or kiss his MOM or his DAD in front of ANYBODY. Who always knew the right place for respect. Me watching the accomplishments, the numerous goals, multi tasking in life. Continuing your education looking towards a career. Deciding and making changes, coming home from college, still with SO MUCH LOVE and SUPPORT from so many people, ESPECIALLY YOUR PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Always pushing ahead with your zany humor, tweaking your style as always loving your family, friends, and passion for fun in life. 
                       Days have pasted and in that time so many more simple pleasures should have emerged.
There should be NOW and the COMING FUTURE, THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I always thought I was guaranteed a memory FULL of  FUTURE for you, the continuation of so many things, the laughs, the jokes, the relationships, the daughter in law, maybe grandchildren, I was supposed to have EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING till I took MY LAST BREATH.
  
                It is not fair that this STUPID FING decision was made without any thought any thought about how this would affect the 3 most important people in your life. There are more that miss and love you and have shown their love to you and our family with so many gestures and I don't want to seem unappreciative because I am far from that and couldn't be more touched and appreciate so much. Maybe I am being selfish, yes I probably most certainly am being selfish, but honestly it is hard to think of anyone past the 3 of us right now.

 These past few weeks I will not lie. I am falling further and further in the hell that has been brought to us by this. Your dad and I have never been closer and this will not even come close to tearing us apart. We have you brother right next to us holding him as tight as we can. There are days I can't stand it, but we have so much love which is keeping me from giving in to giving up. There cannot be too much, too loud or too many times I say I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND MISSING YOU SO MUCH MORE.

To say or Not to say.

        I have been so confused, so shocked, so hurt, so frickin empty sad, so torn. Do I say? Do I not say because of embarrassment....  What will people think? Do I care what people think ???? Should I care or even be embarrassed??? WHY??? because we had NO clue, NO signs, NOTHING. We know you weren't a addict. Were you becoming one? Is it selfish that I don't want to share. In my mind I think people just want to be nosey and it makes me want to keep it to ourselves. On the other hand maybe it will help someone else.
          We will NEVER know the whole story, the full truth, answers to so many questions.
 Since you have died we have found things in your room, heard and have been told things to now know this was a recently started recreational thing.  GOD DAMMIT TREVOR!!!!!!!!  You were so smart and you have been taught about drugs, what drugs are, what they can do, where they take you, what they are capable of taking from you. Not only your money, ambitions, friends, mind, strength, so many things and oh did I mention YOUR LIFE and OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
         Initially it was assumed it was a heroin overdose, but till the toxicology report came back there was no definite reason. PLEEEEEEEASE have it be wrong, it couldn't be, why would he do something so stupid??????  Getting back the toxicology report and finding out it was indeed heroin was a punch right in the gut, Worse yet it was mixed with almost the most common mix of DEATH it was mixed with Xanax. ( the pill that was mentioned by the median ) along white pill..........Generic Name Alprazolam ( which are small peach/ pink pills)
          It KILLS me, KILLS my heart to know that this was in your life and the most important people in your life had NO CLUE. Your mom, your dad and your brother we had  NO IDEA what you were involved in. When was this happening?  Why didn't we see ANY signs? What brought this on? Why did you even start? WHAT WAS GOING THRU YOUR FUCKING HEAD TREVOR?????? OMG I scream this ALL the time, nonstop in my mind OVER and OVER.

          I have read so many articles and so many stories of people who are or have been overdosing on exactly the mixture you had in your system. They have been inches from death, no breathing, blue and even had their heart stop DEAD. They were given this drug naloxone which they are now making legal to buy at pharmacy's as over the counter. WHY????? couldn't the asshole that was there ( this guy you barely knew  ) have called someone to help you? I AM SOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD that there wasn't an attempt. Because he would get into trouble?  Because he was high himself and not in the same room? did he notice and just walk away.  SOOOOOOOOOO many people have been saved by the paramedics when called even when the person is what they think beyond help and they bring them back. They could of saved you, right? I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it rips me apart wondering if you could of been saved. Right now it is the what ifs that still hurt so much, it could have, he should have WHY?  WHY?  WHY?. It won't bring you back now and I don't know why I dwell. I guess its because I still want to believe that you could still be here. if someone just cared enough to help you.

Street Names :   H - Junk - Smack- Big H - Hell Dust - Nose Drops - Thunder - Brown Sugar - Horse - Skag.
                            

WHAT DOES HEROIN LOOK LIKE?     In its purest form, heroin is a fine white powder. But more often, it is found to be rose gray, brown or black in color. The coloring comes from additives which have been used to dilute it, which can include sugar, caffeine or other substances. Street heroin is sometimes “cut” with strychnine1 or other poisons. The various additives do not fully dissolve, and when they are injected into the body, can clog the blood vessels that lead to the lungs, kidneys or brain. This itself can lead to infection or destruction of vital organs.          The user buying heroin on the street never knows the actual strength of the drug in that particular packet. Thus, users are constantly at risk of an overdose. Heroin can be injected, smoked or sniffed. The first time it is used, the drug creates a sensation of being high. A person can feel extroverted, able to communicate easily with others and may experience a sensation of heightened sexual performance—but not for long. Heroin is highly addictive and withdrawal extremely painful. The drug quickly breaks down the immune system, finally leaving one sickly, extremely thin and bony and, ultimately, dead.

     

#2 Belief's ?????

                  I have to strongly believe your spirit is out there...... Not up in heaven, not in some magical place, but in the universe somewhere...... I have to believe because you came thru to Aim thru that Median. The things she said to Aim were so spot on, things she could of never known. some of the reading was so upsetting but I am glad she shared it all, because it makes things so much more clear.

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So this is the email Aim sent to me. this was 8-6-2015 so 39 days from the day you died to the reading 1 month fro your funeral

So I set up a group Medium session yesterday for my Women’s Network at GE last night.  There was approximately 15 people in attendance.  She probably got to about 10 of us.  I did not expect her to get to me, in fact, I told her to not worry about me and to focus on all the others in the group session as I had set it up and didn’t want to take up time that could’ve went to another group member.  So she was there from 6 to 7:30ish.  It got to be 7:20 and I thought, well she’s not going to get to me, which is fine.  Then the last spirit energy came through…and here is what she said:

 

·         I’m getting a young male who has recently passed unexpectedly

·         She said he keeps telling me, “I just wanted to see what would happen.  I F’ed up.  I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

·         She said he was showing her a long pill (Vicodin possibly, she’s not a doctor) and 2 pink round pills (no clue what that means or what those are, but he kept showing them to her)

·         She said it seemed as though he took something and on top of it the pills….and the pills are what put him into cardiac arrest

·         She stated he coded twice….first time his chest hurt, breathing was heavy, but he wasn’t scared…he thought he’d be okay….then second time it occurred right after, he coded.  He wasn’t sure what was happening.

·         She said he’s a bit confused on the other side as to what’s happened

·         He keeps going back to his room, he’s asked you not to change anything in it yet…eventually, but not yet…he needs the constant right now

·         She mentioned a significance with spring/Easter?  She and I didn’t know what that meant???

·         He was also showing her his mouth/teeth…..wasn’t sure what that meant either or what he was trying to show her???

·         She asked if he had a medium to bigger dog that had passed/really hyper and full of energy.  I said yes, Hampton, and she said, know that he is with the dog.  I can see him playing and wrestling with him.  They are together.

·         She said he knows about the tree you planted, he showed it to her, and he knows of your necklace (I’m thinking the one you got with his fingerprint on it?)

·         He knows you lay in his bed and cry…he sees you; he keeps saying “I f’ed up….I didn’t know this would happen”

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 I want so bad to have a strong sign to me not thru someone, but to me to let me know you hear me..................I know in my nightly dream/nightmares I dream not just about you, but with you. you talk to me, I talk to you. There are conversations. I say I love you and you have said it to me, hugged me looked into my eyes.  Does that mean you are telling me something? I don't know I just know that regardless when I wake up I am crushed yet again.           

#1 Belief's ??????

       Already today I have had numerous breakdowns. I have a day off and out of my bed straight to yours. Crying to you all the thoughts that come to mind, things that don't make sense, questions that CONSTANTLY HAUNT me. Words. Sentences all jumbled and echoing in my head. CAN U HEAR ME????? I always think if I can just concentrate I will be able to think of you and not have my face full of tears from missing you, being so angry, emotions I really don't even have words for, Crying, Screaming, Feeling like putting my fist or head thru a wall, Slam something thru the T.V, break every fricken dish we have in the cabinets. Some days thinking just drinking myself into a stupor will make me forget the pain for even just a half a second. It NEVER happens and for me to even think it could be is one of those nightmares that tortures me every second of my life. There are times that if it weren't for your dad and your brother I would drive myself right off a bridge. Would I see you again???????????
     Most people know I am far from religious. I do not judge those who have a belief and I know I have friends who have faith that don't judge my non belief.  I appreciate everyone's prayers and if they believe you is with someone higher and makes them feel better that is wonderful.
      For me and I know your dad and Ky just don't find that higher being to pray to, to believe he has his arms wrapped around MY son keeping him young forever and happy as a clam. If you are put on this earth to serve your purpose and make a difference for any reason (as they say) then why even bother if your going to rip that away from ANYBODY, putting those people in the hell that we are living in. Taking away a YOUR LIFE THAT I AND YOUR DAD MADE, That I CARRIED and NURISHED, THAT I TOOK CARE OF, BIRTHED, that WE AS YOUR PARENTS TAUGHT, RAISED with NO limitations what so ever AND with UNCONDITIONAL love NO MATTER WHAT. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM you might as well rip MY, YOUR DAD'S AND KY'S heart OUT and toss it where ever, cause nothing can make it seem worse than not having you here.
              Even if I believed in a god, would that make me feel better to know you are up somewhere in some beautiful pealy gate paradise. NOPE DEFINATELY NOT. It would bring me no sense of peace at all.
We were there thru everything, having you know we were there any time of the night or day. You knew this, We told, taught made sure you knew all about drugs and where they take you, what they do and what they are capable of. YOU KNEW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            Why didn't we notice anything?, Why didn't we question you about those dirt bags you just started hanging out with? Why didn't your best friend know or the closest person to you, YOUR BROTHER!? Why wasn't I nosey enough to look thru your things? Why did you decide to do something so Fing STUPID? You were to Damn smart, Screaming in my head again like always, WHY? WHY ? WHY ?  No answers come and IT KILLS ME every second of every second of my days, weeks, months.............. I am So VERY empty............................. I LOVE YOU BEYOND THE UNIVERSE.

Remembering Daily

                 Every inch of this house has reminders of you. From cups you drank out of, and the door in the end of the hall that I open daily to reach your pillow and bed.  I can lay and smell and hold your pillow as tight as I can. Then there is everything in your room with all things that you have left behind. Also the many pictures of your precious face scattered throughout the rooms of our whole house, and in the visor of my car. The picture of you and your brother together from our last family picture session. You both loved to tease me and mess around cause you knew I wanted the perfect pictures. It made me laugh inside because you did it together and were such the duo. Even though I pretended to be angry I loved watching your antics. When I look at each thing I immediately think about you with a smile.....then the dam breaks and the tears start flowing. In an instant I go from smile, to crying to sometimes me beating your pillow and screaming all kinds of stuff. Those times are usually when I am home alone. Being home alone was never as dark as it is now. That smile that starts my rollercoaster of emotions is short lived. I wish that would last for more than one instant before Bam Hello Dawn remember oh ya....... your not coming home, back to us, NOT EVER! NOT EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! 
               I want that smile and facetious sparkle you had.  I love you so much and always picture you walking thru the door, ehhhhhhhhhhut wrong. ! I know my dreams are nightmares and my nightmares are even worse nightmares. There has been no difference from the very start. Even though  I know when I am waking or have woken up at night when I am terribly and uncontrollably upset, barely able to catch my breath, on the brink of losing my mind, in a foggy emotional state. I jump out of the bed to my bedside table to fetch the book I keep every nighttime memory all down in. The book is a molded scary hand with blank pages. A book I purchased for you in gosh... I think Elementary school. You loved your monsters and scary themed things. Your bedroom I painted with that bare tree and wind to add all your lord of the rings and different horror movie characters to  You would write mostly vampire stories in the book. Sometimes different, but non the less I cherish the book with all my heart nowadays, keeping it close and no matter where I sleep. It is always right there beside me.
             I never want to let go of the thoughts good or bad cause I want EVERYTHING that is you, the talks to me and with me, the touches with you, the smiles, the hugs that feel so Fricken real, the memories I have NOW in the PRESENT. I want as much as I can suck up, as much as my MIND and HEART will hold and beyond.
 

100 Days

                   Today marks the longest, worst, most sad, hurtful, sleepless, emotional 100% horrendous days in my life. There are so many words to describe, but then again NO words can describe our pain.  We have lost our son. Who would of thought after 20 years 5 months and 13 days of life our 1st born baby boy would be gone, gone before us, something no parent ever wants to even think of. 7469 seems like a big number, but in reality it was ONLY 7469 days is all you lived. My heart is more than shattered. 
                Yes it hurts to lose a pet, grandparent, cousin, aunt, uncle, even a sibling or parent (which I do not know how that feels so I won't pretend to even know how it feels) but YOUR CHILD is a totally different realm. Unless you have lived or living losing your child you have NO CLUE how much you can hurt. It is a pain like NO other, it is a indescribable and never ending. Therapy yea I have set up a appt. Is it going to help? who knows. what is going to happen? I will visit describe my feelings which I know will not change from visit to visit and maybe they will counsel me on some sort of level. Maybe how to cope????? WTF is that? There is no amount of coping to make me feel any different. Right now coping is screaming, crying and tons of emotions trying not to slam my head into the concrete.
  I think it will not make a difference, it won't change anything and wont bring you back to us. Yea Yea time they say heals all wounds BULLSHIT. there will be no better NO THERE WONT Be. A new life without you, that makes me so fucking mad , there is no such thing and a different normal................... hmmm Normal should be the way things were prior to the 29th of June. So now I start to babble and even though I know I keep going. So much has happened and is happening since you died. Just a couple
                               MOST IMPORTANTLY
      Your brother getting hired as a police aid for Oak Creek

 Your best friend has turned 21 TODAY,  on the 100th day you have been DEAD.

               Your pinecone has lived and turned and will be falling shortly for me to add to your memorial shadow box.

  We have ordered and received your bench for the memorial area your dad built.