Just 1 Wish

                 This morning as I was waking up getting the groggy out the first thing I thought of was YOU........ It's my 45th Birthday..... I am a mom of 2 and today I will get hugs and kisses from one of my wonderful children. I'm not going to get my hug from behind with a kiss on my cheek like you would usually do. You would hug me with your cheek to mine with  a ohhhhhhhhhhh Mom... Happy Birthday...... I LOVE YOU...... Instead of a hug, kiss and lots of smiles, Your dad went with me to visit your memory plate that the Fennig's purchased at the Nature Preserve. We stood appreciating it and just stared at it. We cried, and hugged and cried some more. My head pressed to your dads chest so hard with my tears never ending.  We held each other so tight and just agreed it shouldn't be. There shouldn't have to be this plate. You should be here to go to my dinner choice tonight. Your dad said you were just a shooting star, Outgoing, Brave, Fast and Reckless..................
         RECKLESS is why you aren't hear to hug me. Pushing everything to the limit. This day one of the many firsts of you not being here. It SUCKS, ITS HARD, IT IS RIPPING MY HEART IN ALL DIRECTIONS. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!  I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH.
           I just wanted to hold you all day, not just your pillow like usual, but you. The urn that sits on top of our TV. I'm sure some would think WTF that is just weird......I myself find it kind of odd, but that is WHAT IS YOU NOW. THATS IT!  THATS ALL I HAVE. It is a hard cold container of your whole self. well..... with your casket and all we left inside for you. I just, just don't want this to be .I know it is what it is and its not going to change. WHY do I keep saying this, even to myself. I know you can't and aren't coming back. I DON'T WANT YOU ON MY TV for my birthday. I want you HERE, HERE with US ....Me your dad and your brother just hanging out and spending our time together. MY day is supposed to be good, relaxing, simple, full of happiness because I have my guys in my life.
           I am so very happy that I have your dad and your brother. I am grateful to be able to spend dinner with them and sit together tonight. Your brother came to me today...    Arms stretched out with a smile on his face and said " Moooooom Happy 20th birthday. He made me smile so big hugging him so tight knowing he is missing you just as much as I am. He is struggling now it is at the point he is now struggling because you are not here. You should be here too. I would of loved the hug that you both would do, each of you with your arms around me, heads down with your I LOVE YOU'S. We should not have to be sad, miss you, not have you here, have empty pits in ours stomachs, broken shattered hearts, horrible memories of the what ifs, should be's. 

MY ONE WISH THE ONLY WISH I WOULD WISH CAN'T BE, WON'T BE, IS IMPOSSIBLE. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAPPY FRICKEN BIRTHDAY TO ME
 
I am just so tired so very tired of everyday missing you more than the last.