Remembering Daily

                 Every inch of this house has reminders of you. From cups you drank out of, and the door in the end of the hall that I open daily to reach your pillow and bed.  I can lay and smell and hold your pillow as tight as I can. Then there is everything in your room with all things that you have left behind. Also the many pictures of your precious face scattered throughout the rooms of our whole house, and in the visor of my car. The picture of you and your brother together from our last family picture session. You both loved to tease me and mess around cause you knew I wanted the perfect pictures. It made me laugh inside because you did it together and were such the duo. Even though I pretended to be angry I loved watching your antics. When I look at each thing I immediately think about you with a smile.....then the dam breaks and the tears start flowing. In an instant I go from smile, to crying to sometimes me beating your pillow and screaming all kinds of stuff. Those times are usually when I am home alone. Being home alone was never as dark as it is now. That smile that starts my rollercoaster of emotions is short lived. I wish that would last for more than one instant before Bam Hello Dawn remember oh ya....... your not coming home, back to us, NOT EVER! NOT EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! 
               I want that smile and facetious sparkle you had.  I love you so much and always picture you walking thru the door, ehhhhhhhhhhut wrong. ! I know my dreams are nightmares and my nightmares are even worse nightmares. There has been no difference from the very start. Even though  I know when I am waking or have woken up at night when I am terribly and uncontrollably upset, barely able to catch my breath, on the brink of losing my mind, in a foggy emotional state. I jump out of the bed to my bedside table to fetch the book I keep every nighttime memory all down in. The book is a molded scary hand with blank pages. A book I purchased for you in gosh... I think Elementary school. You loved your monsters and scary themed things. Your bedroom I painted with that bare tree and wind to add all your lord of the rings and different horror movie characters to  You would write mostly vampire stories in the book. Sometimes different, but non the less I cherish the book with all my heart nowadays, keeping it close and no matter where I sleep. It is always right there beside me.
             I never want to let go of the thoughts good or bad cause I want EVERYTHING that is you, the talks to me and with me, the touches with you, the smiles, the hugs that feel so Fricken real, the memories I have NOW in the PRESENT. I want as much as I can suck up, as much as my MIND and HEART will hold and beyond.