Already today I have had numerous breakdowns. I have a day off and out of my bed straight to yours. Crying to you all the thoughts that come to mind, things that don't make sense, questions that CONSTANTLY HAUNT me. Words. Sentences all jumbled and echoing in my head. CAN U HEAR ME????? I always think if I can just concentrate I will be able to think of you and not have my face full of tears from missing you, being so angry, emotions I really don't even have words for, Crying, Screaming, Feeling like putting my fist or head thru a wall, Slam something thru the T.V, break every fricken dish we have in the cabinets. Some days thinking just drinking myself into a stupor will make me forget the pain for even just a half a second. It NEVER happens and for me to even think it could be is one of those nightmares that tortures me every second of my life. There are times that if it weren't for your dad and your brother I would drive myself right off a bridge. Would I see you again???????????
Most people know I am far from religious. I do not judge those who have a belief and I know I have friends who have faith that don't judge my non belief. I appreciate everyone's prayers and if they believe you is with someone higher and makes them feel better that is wonderful.
For me and I know your dad and Ky just don't find that higher being to pray to, to believe he has his arms wrapped around MY son keeping him young forever and happy as a clam. If you are put on this earth to serve your purpose and make a difference for any reason (as they say) then why even bother if your going to rip that away from ANYBODY, putting those people in the hell that we are living in. Taking away a YOUR LIFE THAT I AND YOUR DAD MADE, That I CARRIED and NURISHED, THAT I TOOK CARE OF, BIRTHED, that WE AS YOUR PARENTS TAUGHT, RAISED with NO limitations what so ever AND with UNCONDITIONAL love NO MATTER WHAT. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM you might as well rip MY, YOUR DAD'S AND KY'S heart OUT and toss it where ever, cause nothing can make it seem worse than not having you here.
Even if I believed in a god, would that make me feel better to know you are up somewhere in some beautiful pealy gate paradise. NOPE DEFINATELY NOT. It would bring me no sense of peace at all.
We were there thru everything, having you know we were there any time of the night or day. You knew this, We told, taught made sure you knew all about drugs and where they take you, what they do and what they are capable of. YOU KNEW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why didn't we notice anything?, Why didn't we question you about those dirt bags you just started hanging out with? Why didn't your best friend know or the closest person to you, YOUR BROTHER!? Why wasn't I nosey enough to look thru your things? Why did you decide to do something so Fing STUPID? You were to Damn smart, Screaming in my head again like always, WHY? WHY ? WHY ? No answers come and IT KILLS ME every second of every second of my days, weeks, months.............. I am So VERY empty............................. I LOVE YOU BEYOND THE UNIVERSE.
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