To say or Not to say.

        I have been so confused, so shocked, so hurt, so frickin empty sad, so torn. Do I say? Do I not say because of embarrassment....  What will people think? Do I care what people think ???? Should I care or even be embarrassed??? WHY??? because we had NO clue, NO signs, NOTHING. We know you weren't a addict. Were you becoming one? Is it selfish that I don't want to share. In my mind I think people just want to be nosey and it makes me want to keep it to ourselves. On the other hand maybe it will help someone else.
          We will NEVER know the whole story, the full truth, answers to so many questions.
 Since you have died we have found things in your room, heard and have been told things to now know this was a recently started recreational thing.  GOD DAMMIT TREVOR!!!!!!!!  You were so smart and you have been taught about drugs, what drugs are, what they can do, where they take you, what they are capable of taking from you. Not only your money, ambitions, friends, mind, strength, so many things and oh did I mention YOUR LIFE and OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
         Initially it was assumed it was a heroin overdose, but till the toxicology report came back there was no definite reason. PLEEEEEEEASE have it be wrong, it couldn't be, why would he do something so stupid??????  Getting back the toxicology report and finding out it was indeed heroin was a punch right in the gut, Worse yet it was mixed with almost the most common mix of DEATH it was mixed with Xanax. ( the pill that was mentioned by the median ) along white pill..........Generic Name Alprazolam ( which are small peach/ pink pills)
          It KILLS me, KILLS my heart to know that this was in your life and the most important people in your life had NO CLUE. Your mom, your dad and your brother we had  NO IDEA what you were involved in. When was this happening?  Why didn't we see ANY signs? What brought this on? Why did you even start? WHAT WAS GOING THRU YOUR FUCKING HEAD TREVOR?????? OMG I scream this ALL the time, nonstop in my mind OVER and OVER.

          I have read so many articles and so many stories of people who are or have been overdosing on exactly the mixture you had in your system. They have been inches from death, no breathing, blue and even had their heart stop DEAD. They were given this drug naloxone which they are now making legal to buy at pharmacy's as over the counter. WHY????? couldn't the asshole that was there ( this guy you barely knew  ) have called someone to help you? I AM SOOOOOOOO FUCKING MAD that there wasn't an attempt. Because he would get into trouble?  Because he was high himself and not in the same room? did he notice and just walk away.  SOOOOOOOOOO many people have been saved by the paramedics when called even when the person is what they think beyond help and they bring them back. They could of saved you, right? I DON"T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it rips me apart wondering if you could of been saved. Right now it is the what ifs that still hurt so much, it could have, he should have WHY?  WHY?  WHY?. It won't bring you back now and I don't know why I dwell. I guess its because I still want to believe that you could still be here. if someone just cared enough to help you.

Street Names :   H - Junk - Smack- Big H - Hell Dust - Nose Drops - Thunder - Brown Sugar - Horse - Skag.
                            

WHAT DOES HEROIN LOOK LIKE?     In its purest form, heroin is a fine white powder. But more often, it is found to be rose gray, brown or black in color. The coloring comes from additives which have been used to dilute it, which can include sugar, caffeine or other substances. Street heroin is sometimes “cut” with strychnine1 or other poisons. The various additives do not fully dissolve, and when they are injected into the body, can clog the blood vessels that lead to the lungs, kidneys or brain. This itself can lead to infection or destruction of vital organs.          The user buying heroin on the street never knows the actual strength of the drug in that particular packet. Thus, users are constantly at risk of an overdose. Heroin can be injected, smoked or sniffed. The first time it is used, the drug creates a sensation of being high. A person can feel extroverted, able to communicate easily with others and may experience a sensation of heightened sexual performance—but not for long. Heroin is highly addictive and withdrawal extremely painful. The drug quickly breaks down the immune system, finally leaving one sickly, extremely thin and bony and, ultimately, dead.