simply RAW

Do I remember your smile, your laugh the way you would say Moooom!? Do I miss you teasing with me, with your brother, wrestling with your dad, loving me and just being here for me and with me everyday. I DO..... .I DO god believe me I DO, But the raw nightmare always sneaks in and tortures my mind.
 Random thoughts:
Why aren't you answering my texts? Why hasn't any of your friends and some of their parents heard from you or know where you are?  Seeing your brother at the top of the police station stairs crying as he told your dad that you were dead. your girlfriend crying on the steps. Your dad grabbing your brother and crying harder than I have EVER seen him cry before. Me falling to my knees screaming at the top of my lungs as a landscaper and library passer byers stare at me.  Being told no maam you cannot see your son, even if you went to the county coroners. They will only show you a picture. Why didn't someone call me come to me let me know you were DEAD. Why didn't we hear you were dead till 4pmish when you were found in the early morning?
"Well maam it wouldn't have made any difference...... it would not have brought him back!" WTF did you just say to me? The horror and of pictures in my head like a movie, hearing you were found in the chair where you sat the night before. Did you suffer? Were you aware of what was happening? Did you think I wish my mommy was here for me, thinking my mom could save me. Could you have been saved?  Did the fucking asshole who was there with you watch you struggle, turn blue, die? Did he think to call to save you or not wanting to call because he knew he would get into trouble? WHY did this happen? It's not fair. Coming home laying in the yard just crying not knowing what to do with myself. Me crying nonstop as your dad cry's with me and holds me so tight. We are lost we are hurt we are angry and so many horrible things we are now left to deal with. laying on the floor in a fetal position as I made your funeral boards. Being hugged by so many people that it blurs together. so many of your friends came to the house that night and gathered in your room all remembering and telling stories, parents of your friends coming to console us. things don't seem real but I am so numb and in a fog of evil.
            Being in the room at the funeral home, upstairs where they were prepping you for us to see you for the first time. The swishing sound of them probably embalming you that I hear below me as I sit writing your obituary, picking out flowers and a casket, thank you cards, thank you cards for you being dead? Seeing you for the first time in a hospital gown laying on a metal table covered in a quilt. Your brother falling to the floor and your uncle sitting next to you. You not being covered enough seeing the top of the Y cut from the autopsy with a bit of leaking blood under the gauze. Touching your cold face with no funny expressions, hard, cold and not being able to hug you, hug you for the last time. A time that should never of happened. NO! NO! I can't. Yelling TREVOR WHY DID YOU DO THIS?????????????????? OMG THIS CAN"T BE.......... PLEEEEEEEASE...... screaming other things I can't really remember, because I was so distraught. Laying over you with my head on your chest, Cupping your face, running my fingers over your soft lips, but lips that will never kiss my cheeks again, rubbing your hair back from your forehead crying harder than I have ever cried before. Me running my hands all the way down your legs feeling your toes, the toes that I counted when you were born.
             Visiting you the second time realizing there wasn't enough glue on one of your eyes freaking me the hell out. Your brother crying and laying over your chest talking to you, but knowing you can't hear. Running my fingers thru your hair and accidentally feeling where they had to cut your skull for toxicology. Thinking to my self, my baby is not whole, he's empty they have taken him apart. I CAN"T DO THIS!  I DON"T WANT TO DO THIS!  I SHOULDN"T HAVE TO DO THIS!
            Most the funeral being a blur because I was medicated. I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE NOT EVEN FOR A MOMENT. So many, So very many with up to 1000 people or more come to see you and tell us they are sorry. Being thankful and grateful for so many people who care and are there for us. Feeling so overwhelmed by all the wonderful stories and memories that were shared by many different people. Your dads song for you and your brothers song for you. Your dad getting up putting your football jersey on top of you as the song from your last night of football played. All of your friends sobbing, your football buddies/family surrounding your casket arms around each other saying our father prayer at the end of your service. My last moments with you, not wanting to leave. I would stay forever if I could. Your skin turning blue and blotchy from so many people and being so warm for 4 hours. Me crying saying please.................. just a few more minutes, just a few please.................. don't make me leave please. as Pete hugs me and leads me towards the door as I can't take my eyes off of you. Its killing me to leave knowing I will never be able to touch you again. this is it. I can't believe I have to do this. not wanting to go to bed although I am totally exhausted, not being able to sleep or eat because I am so sick to my stomach. EVERY day laying in your bed staring at the walls the trophies the things that belong to you. Sitting on your bench by your tree. looking at your ashes on the T.V beside your graduation picture. So many nightmares in my sleep besides the nightmare we live daily. So vivid sometimes it is like you are here yet to wake fully and know you aren't here, GONE. Your brother write his feelings on your Facebook missing you like nobody's business and holding it mostly inside because he doesn't want to upset us. Your dad cry because you aren't here to experience things with him to hang out with him to listen to your music together,talk to him for him to take care of and love.You had so much going for you and you were still going places. Your life full of happiness and promise. Some people understanding I can't be ok some people not understand a lick of what I am going thru. People saying things you don't want to hear but what are they supposed to say and they know nothing is going to make anything better.
                Everyday is a HUGE struggle. Getting up and also to go to bed knowing in the morning the same nightmare still exists. All and every thought, this going thru my mind constantly over and over. The sequence of events not always in order, but remembering the hell that WAS, ILL BE and IS.