Empty Celebrations

                         Days prior to today.................the looking forward to Black Friday sales, Traveling miles to destinations of fun in the sun or family, busy bustling of shopping with packed stores and malls, happy jolly Christmas music, Christmas parties, Santa visits, decorating, Christmas lights, setting up your tree placing the ornaments on and placing your family's special something at the top, getting haircuts and making sure you get into the salon, making cookies, big blow up characters, sending out cards to share their love and appreciation and searching for that special gift for that and those special loved ones..............
                      Today just another day? A day or eve to attend church for some it is a day to celebrate a higher being,  lighting a menorah, celebrating different beliefs, still a day to do last minute decorating, This day..... for some it is last minute shopping, A day that starts family preparing of dinners, drinks of cheer, fancy clothes, presents, happy music, good food, laughing, the giggles of children as they run around houses in anticipation of opening their presents, wrapping paper tossed across carpets around the world, going to bed with warm fuzzy feelings, and happiness, the feeling of tummies full, children's excitement to leave cookies for the big jolly man who will come down the chimney and maybe for some to wonder how he got in with no chimney, the difficulty of falling asleep because they can't wait to wake up to a floor of presents wrapped around the bottom of the tree.
                         For us................................. it is a Thursday............ It is a Day with a name................Yes we are truly and genuinely grateful and have love for everyone who has been there for us, the people who have loved us and continue to love us, think of us. Those who still continue to keep us close to them in their thoughts and prayers, that keep you close in their hearts to remember you and Speak your name with memories, stories, Loving you and missing you, some with smiles of having the honor of having known you and how you touched their lives, having you be a part of their lives, and some missing you shedding tears because there is still disbelief that you are not here. That Trevor space is null and void in a physical sense, a sense that should be, but is not.
                           For us it is a house with 2 laser lights outside, room's of No decorations...... No cards sent out, No cookies made, No tree with pretty lights, ornaments.
                        Today is a day I opened my eyes this morning knowing this was a special day of sorts, a day that we are supposed to be excited to spend time with family, for me to take hundreds of pictures of funny silly faces of our boys interacting with each other and those around them, for family pictures, pictures of the 4 of us that will never be again. It is a eve for our boys still at 19 and 20 to go to bed and wake up in the morning still excited to open their gifts. It is a day that I just wanted to pull the covers over my head, a day that I dread to celebrate without one of my children, a day that I could just lay motionless in the dark with tears steaming down my face, a day that I don't want to smile that I don't want to cry because it is not about me, I don't want those around me to feel sorry for me, to walk on eggshells, to worry about what to say, a day that tears started to immediately fall with a growing cry, and knowing I am alone in the house. A morning that I that my breath gets stuck because my lungs feel suppressed, my chest heavy with a sinking feeling, my stomach in knots. Today is sunny, but seems like a dark whirl wind of black, like my mind is inside a raging tornado, I am drowning in a tidal wave. I find the umph to get out of bed feeling like there is a force drawing me back., like there are cement bricks stuck in quicksand. my head hurts pressure if wanting to blow up, my whole body is just in pain.  As I open my bedroom door. I see u and proceed to cry harder and louder. 
                         Today is a day that I know your brother and dad are hurting, a day that I know they have the excruciating feeling of a pitch fork slowly being stuck in them and being twisted back and forth. A day I know my son is missing his brother something fierce, that he has a heart with no happiness, no desire to have gotten out of bed to go to work, that he has no desire to hang out with people, he is not excited to open gifts, eat dinner and be merry.
                     The only thing I know he is excited about is going for a tattoo of your actual writing, a little note that you wrote, he decided that it meant enough to print it on his body for all to see. Something he is proud of being able to have to treasure for the rest of his life.
                    Today is a day that I am so glad to have your dad and your brother to hang on tight to that I know the pain your father feels not having his best friend, one of 2 sons he hold so dear,  someone I know he was proud of, someone he could have to joked with, made faces with, His concert buddy, someone who understood things nobody else did, only things that the three of them would know or get the humor behind.
                     I am nothing, nothing of what I should be feeling if you were here. I feel like a hollow shell. I could write a book of every single nothing I am feeling, but I will just say that not just today, but everyday I miss you, I yearn to have you here, to hear your voice, to hear that laugh and the funny , loving things you would say, to have your smell your hugging me just feeling the connection we had, a mommy and her son the bond like no other, I wish every second of my life that I would just be able to look into your big brown eyes and tell you how much I  LOVE  YOU SO SO SO  MUCH. Writing these simple letters, words is not enough and doesn't even scratch the tiniest of surfaces of how much I LOVE AND MISS YOU. How my heart just hurts like its being torn out. Although you are here on our T.V. stand and I know you are not there, I will visit your plaque and talk to you. For what it is worth Trev I will kneel holding you not wanting it to be a cold container wishing it was you in the flesh I could squeeze. I believe you can hear me and I will sit on your bed and cry and tell you how much I love you, and everything else I can get out of my mouth in between trying to catch my breath.  You should be here with us with the 3 of us and it kills us all that we have that emptiness.                   I cherish every X-Mas with you but will cherish my last more than anything.

 

 

                                     

Reaching Out

                                      

Tomorrow your Dad and I are meeting with a median. I have had this planned for a couple weeks. At the beginning all I thought about was I wish it wasn't so far away. It seemed like it was scheduled eons away, even though it was only a couple weeks. I tried not to think about it too much, because it would just seem still too far away. I am looking forward to this so much. I think to myself, Now...... I don't want to expect anything.... that way if there is something from you I will feel like it was a success. Depending on what it is I will know you hear me, that your still out there somewhere. I know there may be a chance that you don't come through. In that case I will be sad, sadder than I am now????? I don't know if there is even a worse place to be. This sad goes right thru the bottom of the very bottom of the bucket, thru the core of the earth and swirl continuously in the never ending blackness that is space. 
                                                    In my mind I know you came through to Aim and I believe it was you, because there were things she said about you and from you that nobody would of known. Because I am not really religious and I don't really have beliefs of a higher being or place to hang out with ultimate beauty. I want to know you are still with me in some form, whatever that may be.
                                   My heart is in so much pain thinking about you not being here, not being with our family Xmas Eve, no gifts for you, then there is those lucky parents that still have their children...ALL OF THEM whether it be one or 10. They have a abundance of merry cheer, happiness with smiles, laughs, warm full hearts, and lots of HUGS AND KISSES full of love from their children and them knowing they love their parents and them knowing it is genuine unconditional love that the parents have for them. I am truly happy for those families but when I have been in a situation with discussions of buying gifts, getting ready for the holidays, How some of the kids are so picky and they don't know what to buy or if they will like what they were bought.  I think at least you can buy a gift and give it to them, see them light up. I so want that, I want it with all I am. With all my heart I know you knew you were loved unconditionally no matter what. I know you didn't mean for this to happen........ I know, but it doesn't help me, doesn't give me a sense of anything, no happiness, smiles, full heart, peace and especially the gentle soft kisses and tight hugs from you.
                                 I don't have a list of things I miss about you............
                            IT IS THE EVERYTHING YOU WERE THAT IS MISSED
  THE PART OF MY HEART THAT IS YOUR PLACE FEELS LIKE IT IS SHRIVELED UP LIKE A OLD APPLE.




I am so anxious but extremely excited my insides are so churned up. I am so open, she said you have to be and feel open, My heart open, my mind open, My whole soul is open to any and everything that she can pass to me from you. PLEEEEEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO COME TO ME AND YOUR DAD. Everyday that passes there are other memories, duties that call and distractions, but even with everything you are at the forefront of my mind.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH HOW I WISH WITH ALL OF ME THAT WISHES COULD COME TRUE, MAGIC WANDS WORKED AND GENIES EXSISTED.
THE LIFE YOUR BROTHER, YOUR DAD AND ME ARE LIVING DRAGS US DOWN LIKE CEMENT BOOTS, AND FEELS LIKE WE ARE BEING SUCKED DOWN BY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
I am extremely grateful that I have your brother and dad to cling tight to.

WHERE R U?????????

                           Every day closer to the holidays is getting harder and harder lately. I don't have any ambition or want to do any decorating. We put the new laser's in the big trees. The ones they say are for the lazy decorators. Your dad and I don't even care about decorations or a tree. Your brother even said why? who cares....who needs a tree..... I don't know if he is just saying it or if he really means it. I don't know if it will make a difference for our emotional states. I doubt it really.
 It has been 25 days since I had a dream with you with me, in it, or about you. I realize every time I dream I wake up screaming or crying, but I am missing you terribly. I have been yearning for a dream even for a short burst of you being near me. I have my memories of your smiles and face, but in my dreams it is more real and you are tangible in a way in my dreams. They say that it is visits when you dream about your loved ones that have past. WHY????? WHY haven't you been there???? WHY won't you come even when I beg you. I beg you everyday to please come to me. I want you to be in my dreams, even in my worst nightmares I think its you coming to me. I see you in the flesh, I hug you a lot and have talked to you and you me even more so in my dreams. Sad or not, upset or screaming.  If you are not visiting me are you hearing me when I am in your room?

OH HOW I WISH FROM THE DEEPEST PART OF MY WHOLE BEING THIS COULD SOMEHOW BE TRUE

                        I kneel at the side of your bed with my head on your pillow or just draped, limp, crying, still wondering why????? what made you do this, think it was ok, think you would be fine knowing what this epidemic is doing to people.... to IT HAS DONE TO US................  I Sit in my chair at night and out of nowhere will have tears streaming down my cheeks. A waterfall rushing faster than I am able to wipe so I just let it fall, I sit numb with no expression knowing nothing but I am sooooooooooooooooo very sad, more than sad, my head still in a fog wanting this to be so unreal. The part of my mind that is aware of what the truth is knows you can't come back. I KNOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I am so confused still, HOW COULD THIS BE? MY BABY, HOW COULD YOU BE GONE?  HOW CAN THIS BE THE REALITY OF OUR LIFE? WHY DID THIS TOUCH OUR LIVES?
          I have been physically sick for weeks now. I don't know if it is the exhaustion actually taking over, the strain on my emotions and my, mind, my body, if it has finally caught up and taking over. My health is different, I feel different more different that being just tired, deep breaths don't seem to release overwhelming feelings, they don't clear my mind, not that they did before but sometimes its like I ran miles and can't catch my breath, feel relaxed.
          I DREAD XMAS EVE, SITTING WITH THE REST OF OUR FAMILY, OPENING PRESENTS, EATING MISSING EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU MAKING FUNNY FACES, COMMENTS, SITTING WITH YOUR BROTHER TAKING PICTURES, THE FEELING OF JSUT LOVING YOU, LOVING US TOGETHER, LOVING SEEING YOU AND YOUR BROTHER LOVING EACH OTHER, YOU AND YOUR DAD AND YOUR ANTICS. I DREAD XMAS MORNING, THE EXCITEMENT YOU STILL HAD EVEN AT 19, THIS YEAR WOULD OF BEEN 20.
EVEN THE BRIGHTEST OF DAYS ARE DARK, NIGHTS ARE EVEN DARKER AND I AM JSUT TIRED OF MISS
 ING YOU. THE DEPTH OF MY PAIN IS JUST LIKE SUFFOCATING.

Rhea

                  Well your dad decided after on and off conversations that he wanted to get a dog. Of course every time he talked about it Ky was all jacked up. Numerous times dad was like well...... I was kidding or half thinking about it, but nooooo we aren't. The this past weekend your dad was sitting in his recliner while we were all watching T.V and showed me a pic of a bullmastiff. ??????????????? I looked at him like REALLY???? AGAIN????? He said I think we should really get one. I said " A WHAT???" your dad: a bull mastiff Me: What? Really? Ky snapped his head around and said what? What are you talking about??????. I said your dad wants to get a dog again. I really have been against it because putting Hampton down was very hard. I thought the hardest thing in my life BUT NOW I KNOW IT WAS NOT.....
                    I thought about it and although it will not bring you back or by any means fill the part of our hearts that are crushed. I did think though maybe it would be a good distraction. I don't mean to not think of you, because that could NEVER happen since you are in the forefront of my mind EVERY SECOND OF EVRY SECOND. We are all very excited though and you would really think she is the most adorable thing ever.  I know she will bring smiles to us and that is something we really need. There isn't a time that I don't smile and then think how can I????? You are dead, not here, gone forever, your voice absent, hugs and kisses a feeling that I will never have again, I am sad, broken, crushed, empty, so extremely sad that I sometimes don't know how I can even think or break a smile. 
                    Somehow getting this puppy reminds me of all the time I spent with Pepper every night. She was your baby, your pet, I agreed to let you get her and although I took her over caring for her, you were the reason I found love in a ball of prickly little sticks. It broke my heart when she died. I held her till she took her last breath just like Hampton that is why I questioned taking on another life that will eventually end.  I am weak though and love animals. If I could save every pour soul that needs a home I would. so January we will get the little pup we will call Rhea. Your brother picked the name. It is Greek and means mother of all gods.
                 
I always end with how much I miss you and love you and how I am lost and so is dad and Ky We cannot believe 3this is still happening, happened real. It sucks that's all I have to say. Suck with a CAPITAL S and UCK which stands for so much

St. Nick Sadness

                               Your brother spent his first St. Nick without you.  Every year I would buy you your solid Santa trying to find the biggest one, because I didn't do stockings anymore.  This year I was so preoccupied in the life we are living that I didn't think of it.  I mean I did think of it because of all the candy/misc in the stores, but it didn't seem like a priority.  That was wrong of me and it still should of been top priority for your brother, because your brother is still here. He likes his Santa's just as much as you if not more.  So it was the day after and Dad and I were shopping and I didn't find solid but hollow, so I bought your brother 2.  He was happy for that, but I still feel bad that I wasn't on top of it just for him.  I hadn't paid attention and noticed he started to eat his cause he would leave it on the counter kinda rewrapped in the foil. I thought to myself boy he ate that first one quick. Not thinking anymore of it I went on.

 The next time I went into your room..................... I sat down even before I could look at your pictures the tears started flowing. As I started talking to you I brought my head up and sitting on your desk was the 2nd Santa. I immediately broke down in a sob. So on your desk sits is a full Santa, and also the half of a solid chocolate rabbit that you had still. I initially had thrown it in a plastic bag with the actually garbage I was throwing away right after you died and I was being nosey going thru your room.
                         After Aim had the reading by the physic and the lady told her that you said not to change anything in your room, and something about Easter ( but she didn't know what that meant) I DID I took it out and that also stays on your desk.
                        I love how excited you both were that you never got dresses just thru on a robe and straight to the stockings. the stockings that Gramp Pete made for you were the size of you and your dad always would tell me "Ya know you don't have to fill them all the way" ya whatever. I miss filling the stockings with all the stuff I knew you would be so excited about and now, seeing you and your brother nawing on them.

Thanksgiving ... Wherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre is the happy?????

              Yesterday Thanksgiving was ultimately without the happy in front of it. I look back on yesterday and my heart feels just as empty. We went to our annual 9 pin bowling tap at Beloit lanes as we do every year.  Pete runs a big group and he thought it would be good to have our family and friends around us. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning I was hesitant . There was a pit in my stomach and I dreaded having to see or interact with people and smile knowing my heart was hurting with the most intense sadness. I think the drinks drowned the tears that could of flowed all day, but all the while in my mind you were there, seeing your face, wishing with my everything that I could hug you and tell you how thankful we are to have you. Not just because you are gone, but as I would express to you not just thanksgiving, but everyday of my life.  I made sure to let you know you were my world as your brother and your dad are. All day between the smiles laughs and every breath I took my heart felt the stabbing pains of not having you here.
             In between all the hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs and new memories being made was the biggest void because you weren't here to share it with us. You not here to join in the festivities with family and friends. I held it together most the day, silently wanting to scream, run screaming like you see crazy people do who are out of control. I didn't want to draw attention to myself by crying or shedding tears. I didn't want to make it seem like poor me, I didn't want to make it anything about me, I tried, tried so hard to keep it in, but in the end it was inevitable that my heart was the shattered mess I thought it would be. The thoughts that we there all day just brought me to an emotional mess at the end.

            Throughout the night I cried till I was tired and felt so exhausted. I couldn't stop yawning, then cried some more. I lay in your bed and try so VERY hard to feel happy thinking of you and all the memories, looking at your pictures loving you. It NEVER works, IT NEVER WORKS. I can't even keep myself from crying so hard my chest hurts. I tried so hard to keep my mind busy with online scrapbooking, Facebook etc.- Reading all the messages from some who wrote on your wall and on mine reminded me how much we are and you are loved still. It is a heartwarming feeling but the tears always return by the smallest of love that is shared. 
             I TRIED !!!!!!!!!!!!TO KEEP A POSITIVE MIND THINKING DAWN! YOU/WE ARE THANKFUL FOR SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES, THANKFUL FOR OUR HEALTH AND HEALTH OF LOVED ONES, HAVING EACH OTHER, HOW WE CAN STILL LOVE EACH OTHER MORE THAN EVER. APPRECIATEING HOW WE CAN HOLD EACH OTHER. HOW I HOPE THOSE AROUND ME TRUELY DO KNOW I DON'T JUST SAY IT, BUT FEEL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY/OUR HEARTS HOW THANKFUL WE REALLY ARE. HOW MUCH WE APPRECITE ALL THAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR US, HOW MUCH LOVE WE HAE BEEN SHOWN, HOW MUCH PEOPLE STILL DO FOR US. WITH THE HANDS ON, MESSAGES, CARDS, CALLS, WHAT THOUGHTS ARE GIVEN TO US AND SO MANY POEPLE PRAYING FOR OUR FAMILY.  WE ARE SO VERY THANKFUL EVEN THOUGH I FEEL I AM UNABLE TO REALLY RELAY IT ENOUGH.
           Even though I thought those things nothing seemed to be able to take that wretched pain away and in the end nope..... the tears streamed down my face. The heartache unbearable and that feeling of crawling in a hole returns with such a urgency.
           I am THANKFUL for so many things in life really I AM, but life without you, the sadness, the emptiness trumps the happiness I want to feel. IT JUST DOES!!!!!!!
I never imagined in my lifetime I would feel the daily emptiness, the extreme sadness that I do.
MISSING YOU IS THE MOST EXTREME FEELING EVER. I LOVE YOU.......................................................... SO MUCH IT HURTS EVERY INCH OF MY MIND, MY HEART, MY BEING.

No Tomorrows

                I haven't blogged in days. I haven't had time or made the time to sit down and actually get it out. After work I have been more depressed more of a WTF attitude if anything gets done. If I don't cry out loud , I cry inside from the end of my work day to the time I go to bed. I have never been so exhausted by doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I have aged 10 years in almost 5 months. I have been trying to get my business back to being somewhat organized. I have let paperwork, computer entries, curriculum, cleaning, storage just be a mess and its only getting worse. Nothing in my life is organized. I am usually and was a super organized person and I have just realized that whatever it is will get done at some point or another.
               I used to be the person who had to get it done yesterday, right then and there, had a list, a deadline for EVERYTHING. You read those little verses about how you should live, love and experience ever day because tomorrow may not come. NOW it is just that. The tomorrows never came for you and won't, but the days that I am left here with I don't feel like things are important.
            As I breakdown in the stream of tears that is nothing new to me. I can only think of all the tomorrows that should be, that should be as our family of 4. The tomorrows with you boys together, being friends, being together being happy, full of (still at your age) mischief, sarcasm and you and your brother having love for people and life in general.....,The tomorrows with your dad and both his boys hanging out, your friend, mentor and someone who can relate to things that only guys can. The tomorrows that I would be living, loving life to my fullest, enjoying every minute of everyday because I have the 3 most important pieces to my story of life.
             It's not anything that is new news to you, but the tomorrows with you will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER , EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  be again............... Yea Yea Yea I read and hear all the time about the tomorrows of getting to a better place, a time of more peace??????????? A time of a new different living, a feeling like I can enjoy life again,  new type of life, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I DON"T FEEL LIKE IT CAN EVER BE THAT. A time that we can celebrate you and your life.  
I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AND I CAN'T EVEN SAY HATE, CAUSE THE FEELING IS WAY MORE THAN THAT. WHATEVER IS WORSE THAT HATE AND WORSE THAN THE WORD THAT IS WORSE IS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT IT.  I will say that 99.9 percent of the time I breathe I am numb. I am glad that I can put on a face other than that of extreme torture.
      
I CAN'T SAY IT, THINK IT OR SCREAM IT LOUD ENOUGH TO WHOEVER WILL LISTEN OR JUST MYSELF, OVER AND OVER THAT LIFE IS NOT SOMETHING WE ARE LIVING, IT IS A SOMETHING MORE EMPTY THAN SPACE WITH NO STARS.
          I want to live with a type of life that you would want me to live, or something that I didn't feel like crawling into a hole and closing it for the rest of my life. Not to be in the horrible existence that is what my life has become. A life what seems like a better purpose, At this time my purpose is YOUR BROTHER AND DAD. They are the 2 of the 3 pieces left of the story of my life. They are the most important parts, the parts that make up my whole being. I don't, can't, and won't give into the thoughts of what is the purpose..... WHY? because I love you and them with everything I have and couldn't let them experience life without another piece of their lives.
             

A mind so FULL

                     My world is consumed of so many thoughts, feelings of pure emptiness, and STILL QUESTIONS..........................I KNOW QUESTIONS that will NEVER be answered. So why bother to dwell on them??????????? WHY? Because knowing nothing makes me feel more emptiness. would I not have it if I had those questions answered? Hmmmmmmmmm probably not... OK! NO, NO IT WOULDN'T.
I HATE - CAN'T STAND that My youngest baby is without his Partner in crime, the brother who filled his heart with sometimes anger and annoyance lol from antagonizing, teasing, but all done with so much love.. His heart is missing so much fun, laughter and life. His daddy is not only missing his son, but one who is a third of the musketeers, that is a  part of him, had so much in common with, the boy who he mentored, and 1 of my 2 who are his best friends.
                 My heart is just in such excruciating pain, unexplainable.... unexplainable to the people, people who have not experienced this never ending hole of hell. The feeling of ....maybe you could slam your head against a concrete wall nonstop and feel nothing. Our friends, family, acquaintances, people who don't really know us. They support, care and love me/us SO MUCH, but have no clue.... no clue of how this nonstop turmoil is affecting me/ us. Not just our hearts, but our souls, minds, bodies, health My whole existence.
                   I really do understand that our family, friends, supporters don't know what to say. I know, we know. I don't know what to say to you either. Sometimes things are said with good intentions to try to make us feel better, take away some of this pain. Sometimes at those times the feelings inside me are so mixed. In the mind is WHAAAAT did you just say?, NO NOT really... that is not it, you have no idea!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL. More things swirling around like I don't understand how I am feeling. YES I FEEL THE SAME AS ALWAYS EMPTY, SAD, MAD, SO MANY HORRIBEL FEELS AND MOST times I don't know. All these thoughts and more ALONG with.( I'm not really mad at you. Am I coming off like a bitch , Am I making a face like shut the fuck up? I am not meaning to if I am.... I am being selfish, I care about me, my Ky and Pete. I am horrible for sometimes feeling so upset inside like I could just scream ("Gooooooooooooooooood I know you mean well, I know I don't reply to messages sometimes, I know you want to help.. I do.
                      I know you say "Call me if there is anything you need Dawn!!!!....Night or Day, Anytime. Ill come to you if you need. Just let me know, you have to let me know.)  Would you do it? really know what to ask for? Would you know how? I am not being a bitch y any means. We are not askers normally so asking now is no different besides that we have so much support we don't know how to. I TRUELY and HONESTLY love and appreciate all of your love, concern and support, but this new life that has been given to me/us. This is something we didn't ask for or deserve. has not been something I have had before..........or want, Something that is not fair, not fun, not SUPPOSED TO BE, anything but just confusing, black, like in the middle of space with nothing to feel. Instead of the light carefree floating you are weighed down, heavy, a feeling of a semi on your chest.. 

                Me to Everyone:
        I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL , WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO SAY TO YOU, WHAT TO ASK FOR, FEEL BAD THAT I AM STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, WITH ALL THESE I DON'T KNOWSSSSS.  I KNOW I MAY SEEM UNGRATEFUL, DO I, I DON'T KNOW.   I AM NOT! I AM CONFUSED, AND TOTALLAY LOST, LOST WITHOUT A ROPE TO GRAB ONTO. IF I OFFEND I DON'T MEAN TO................
PLEEEEEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL, PLEASE DON'T STOP TALKING TO ME, DON'T STOP SENDING ME MESSAGES. I HEAR AND SEE IT ALL, BUT JUST DON'T KNOW AND NOBODY HAS THE ANSWER, THERE IS NO BOOK! NO TIME SPAN! NO F^&%$#% RULES TO FOLLOW...........................I DON'T KNOW THAT I COULD FOLLOW THEM IF THERE WERE.
ME, PETE AND KY DEFINATELY HAVE EACH OTHER AND THAT WILL STAY STRONG NO MATTER WHAT. WE DO NEED ALL OF YOU, WE KNOW WHY....JUST DON'T REALIZE WHEN OR WHAT FOR. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
PLEASE DON'T STOP TRYING LOVING ME/US JUST BEING IN OUR LIVES. EVEN IF IT IS SILENT.
I know I/we have so much out there. 
THE FOG IS SO THICK AND THE ONLY THING I KNOW AND AM SURE OF IS..... TREVOR IS GOOOOOOOOONE!  I CAN'T STAND THAT I HAVE TO THINK, KNOW AND FEEL THIS, WHATEVER THIS IS. I AM LIVING FOR MY HUSBAND AND SON AND THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE. THEY ARE MY HEART AND SOUL, MY REASONS FOR LIVING.

The loneliest place

                  This morning I woke up SCREAMING so loud and reached over to feel for your dad. I forgot he had to work for a few hours this morning. So he wasn't there to hold me, let me cry, my tears falling making a small puddle on his chest trying to console my emotional shell.  These times are the times that are my loneliest. I cried so hard and screamed so loud. After writing in the journal book . I got up I wasn't going to go back to sleep. I checked Fb, picked up my t-shirt blankey and laid in your bed. I cried to you, I talked to you, I screamed at you and about you and about this whole horrendous life you have left us. I was so extremely  upset. I must of cried myself to sleep, because By the time I woke up your dad was home.
I just want dreams to be dreams that I can at least like and not have to be distress everytime I wake up or have dreams with you and feel at peace or feel good that I was close to you. I don't though no matter how the dream is bad, good , neutral I wake screaming out of control.
the initial feeling of seeing you this morning I thought was going to be happy in the dream, but it ended in being distraught.
There was no real surroundings I just looked at you, I was close to you and I said Hiiiiii very softly.
It didn't look like a casket that you were in but it did have sides because my face was kinda inside something close to your face. The first time I said Hi you slowly opened your eyes where it seemed like they were focused on me, like a relief look on your face, but it turned so quickly, went from maybe me saying hiiiiiiiiiii loving you and you just looking at me butnot moving about 3 times as you opened and closed your eyes. Then your eyes rolled in the back of your head and I started screaming noooooo. NO NO NO its ok Hiiii Hiiiiiiiiii HIiiiiiiii baby Hiiiiiiiiii baby its momma, PLEEEEEASE momma is here. It got to the point of I was just saying It's Momma PLEEEEEEEEASE PLEEEEEEEEEEASE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
screaming just wanting you to open your eyes one more time I just want to see your beautiful brown eyes. As I was screaming relentlessly your face went from looking live, pink, soft alive, alive to pale then a dark grey with the same blotchiness on your cheeks that you had by the end of your funeral because there were so many people and it was warm for so many hours.
Grey blotchy and hard it ended up looking just like the last time I was able to see, touch, kiss you. YOU WERE DEAD! The whole time I was screaming the same words to you. That is when I woke up.
As I sit here typing and tears streaming down my face almost unable to hold in a full blown cry. I glance up to look at you, the platinum urn that you reside in. HATING  IT! HATING IT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF ME!

Therapy 101

Yesterday I started my therapy.......... Therapy hmmmmm ??????????? I didn't want to go in. dreading getting so upset, so I sat in the car in the parking lot for a few minutes more. I texted Pete and he texted me such loving support so I finally sucked it up and went in.
Filled out paper work after having to wait about 10-15 minutes for a person to even get me the stuff because she was out of the office and the nice little glass window was closed and locked.
AND..................... WEEELLLLL it went as a thought................
She asked tons of stupid history questions, some that didn't even make any sense in asking. She said very minimum and within the minimum was "Well you and I both know that you coming to me is not going to fix this or you?!"
I cried 59 minutes out of the 60 as she typed and stared and looked at me like everyone does when there are no words to say as they can only just watch me cry.
and then we set up 3 more appts????????????????????????????????

So lets recap.....My state of mind, feelings, thoughts, my broken heart EVERYTHING....
I know it was only one visit, but besides NOTHING being changed which I didn't expect. I  feel pretty much the same definitely NO better and maybe more shitty last night and today.

Random Thoughts

 

Saying this with a very strained exhausted voice in my head, tears running down my face.
I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Things I say to you that are not even out loud echo like the grand canyon in my mind.
I CONSTANTLY STILL JUST FEEL LIKE SCREAMING LIKE A MAD WOMAN.
I FEEL LIKE SMASHING THINGS AS I WALK THRU OUR HOUSE.
While im in your room I get so frustrated I would love to throw something or punch a hole in the wall.
Would I though? No because it might ruin something that belongs to you.
Should it matter you don't need anything anymore?????
I think about all the pictures and scrapbook layouts of you, all your projects, all of the art I kept, all your report cards, baby book, the whole rubber maid container JUST FOR YOU.
It was all saved and documented for you..... For you to reminisce and be able to look back at your life.
I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT ALL! I WANT YOU TO SHOW PEOPLE! YOUR WIFE< YOUR KIDS! I just want you to be able to choose who to show and to just have just because.
That can't and won't happen now.
Pictures we take as a family......... You are and will be missing. My heart breaks with so many hundreds, thousands, millions of endless things I think of, remember, wonder.
There isn't a second I don't think about what if someone could of saved you.
I CAN'T STAND TO EVEN HAVE A MIND ALOT OF TIMES, LIKE I WISH MY MIND WAS AS EMPTY AS MY HEART.
I should be happy tomorrow is Friday and I have most the day off.
My therapy starts tomorrow......
Worried I won't even like this person?
How is she gonna help me?????
Can't imagine what she is gonna say that will make any kind of difference, cope Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Cope ?????
You can't even try it out, there is no warranty and you can't just exchange easily.
I promised Pete at least 5 visits then we will see...
just the black hole life I live.

4Months of torturous days and nights. Still the wondering why? Why us? Why You? So many days I just want to lay in bed, in the dark and not move a muscle, just lay and cry all day.  Does it make me feel better about you being gone? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know we have so many friends and family who miss you and who truly do care about us and want us to be ok. This is so destructive , destructive to a body, soul, and mind. I woke up this morning crying, as I came out of my bedroom without even thinking I lifted you to me and held you tight crying, crying so hard it could of woke up the neighborhood if I let it actually come out of my mouth.   

    I HATE IT!!!!! I HATE THAT I CAN'T HUG YOU!!!!!!!!! YES I AM STUCK ON NOT EVER BEING ABLE TO TOUCH YOU AGAIN.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE IIIIIIIIT!

With Halloween tomorrow I think of all the Halloweens that you and your brother were together.